yesterday was the day.

ethan graduated from kindergarten. here he is getting his diploma. that's mr. paul (principal) and mrs. armstrong (his teacher).

what's up with the hat you ask? kid won't take it off. keeps the hair out of his eyes. why don't i get his hair cut you ask? oh....well....you see......the kid is stubborn. is refusing a hair cut. who is the mother you ask? and who is the child? hmmm. well...i would be the mother. just not wanting the meltdown of the century. so i waited it out. the good news? he is now ready for a hair cut. this past weekend he asked me if he could get a mohawk. a hawk? sure. just do me one favor. wait until after graduation. and he did. so in the next few days E will be sportin' a new do. the hat may be retired. MAY. we're not sure yet. he's very attached to it. he sleeps with it next to him in his bed. i'm guessing the hawk won't make the final cut. he may just go spikey. we'll see.

why isn't E dressed up and appropriately ready for prancing across the stage you ask? kid wanted to pick out his own clothes. i was torn about that. wanted him dressed up. but i have a thing about parents that dress up their kids and prance them all over the place. so i decided this. the kid has very limited power in his life. so i ultimately decided i was fine with him picking out his own clothes and him just not being dressed up. just not a battle worth fighting. this is E. i wasn't thrilled....but hey. if this is the least offensive choice he makes in his life i'd be ecstatic. i'm sure it won't be. but i'm trying to get used to the times when he will make choices i don't 100% agree with. i want to let him grow...to make some of his own choices...whether i like them or not. it's how he will grow. how he will become strong. how he will become who he will be.

today was the last day of school. seriously? am i ready for this? probably not. especially since tomorrow (our first day of no school) my sil asked me to watch her three youngest children. i kow i'm not ready for that. five kids. all day. on the first day of our summer? oy. don't get me wrong. i do love my nephews. i would just rather love them in shorter portions of time. ;) guess we'll be going to the park. not sure what else we'll be doing. guess i'll figure it out tomorrow.

i wish i had more....

i wish i had more sleep because i am freaking exhuasted.
i wish i had more time to scrap because i'm tired of scrapping only late late at night.
i wish i had a housekeeper because i am sick to freaking death of cleaning my house.
i wish i had more engery because....well.....i'm just tired of being so freaking tired.
i could go on. but i won't because the boys want to go out and ride bikes. in the freaking wind.

soaking up the sun.

doing some yardwork.
soaking up the sun.
jammin' to some beastie boys.
alexander is still sick.
E is still coughing (but getting better).
it's hot. freaking hot.
did not make it to the grocery store this morning.
guess we're going out for dinner.
need to scrap. bad. probably won't. no time. too much to do.
# of times i've applied sunscreen today? 3. i'll do it again after i feed the boys their lunch.
amount of joy i take while doing yardwork? 0. none. Z.E.R.O.
amount of joy i will take when the front yard doesn't look like crap? lots.
pulled weeds out of the backyard. i freaking hate yardwork. did i mention that?
good time last night with mary, liz and shelley. kids all played. good food. some wine.
off to make the lnchie munchie. boys are hot and hungry.

scrap the crap and move on.

the pages that i create all depend on my mood. how i'm feeling. what i feel like using. some days i create nothing but crap (like today). others? a LO just flows out. damn it i wish i knew the secret to making it just flow every time i sat down. yes. i've been trying to scrap a page for two days. and it ain't happening. so i set it aside. the last few LOs i've done have had no paint. that's fine. i can do no paint. sometimes i really love not using paint. but i'm starting to feel like i need to paint. it's like that little whatever it is inside my soul is screaming at me to let it free. i seem to go through cycles. a lot of paint. then i back off for a while. but i'm starting to feel drawn to the paint yet again. it's almost as if it is whispering in my ear. taunting me. maybe that's what my problem is. my being is shouting at me to paint and i am ignoring it. maybe i deserve the crappy LO i made today. lol...

i really think my pages are 100% influenced by how i'm feeling on any given day. it's because of this that i don't really think i have a 100% (or even 90%) recognizable style. i'm okay with that. i think. because i'm all about just letting it out. seeing what happens.

i feel jumbled inside. i think that is part of my problem yesterday. and today. i'm not seeing anything clearly. i'm going to try to clear my mind. and go and sit. and scrap. a masterpiece. ha. lol... maybe not a masterpiece. but something i like. at least a little.

you know what i say. scrap the crap. get it out. then let it flow and create something i love. now lets see if i can do it. i'm half way there already having scrapped the crap today.

why, what, when, where and who.

what makes me crazy?
rude people. seriusly. just makes me want to kick their ass. why do people have to be rude? something else that makes me crazy? employees in a store...sales clerk....whatever....when they treat you like you are inconveniencing them by coming to their store to buy things...like you're putting them out by making them work. uh..........'scuse me???? dude. you do NOT want to piss me off. ;)

who pushes my buttons?
dude. my kids. totally. hate it when they fight/bicker. seriously. i think i got skipped on the extra helping of patience. i need more.

where was i when i last lost my temper?
hmmm. can't remember. more than likely it was at home. and i had had enough of the boys fighting.....E picking on alexander. alexander getting angry at E. ~shudder~ seriously makes me shudder just thinking about when they fight. it's just too much. when they play together it's the best. but damn. when they fight...watch out!

when is my crazy time of day?
in the morning, trying to get E to school. i don't do mornings. nope. nope nope. not at all. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 'nuff said.

why do i blog?
somewhere to put my thoughts. other than bombarding james. poor guy has enough going on with him being my only outlet. my blog is just a place to go....to say things....to let things out. or not. somewhere for people i like to read a bit about me. somewhere to post pages i've done. dunno. no reason. lots of reasons. lol...

how do i chill?
i stay up late. the house is quiet. i scrap (and listen to my ipod or watch movies or tv shows on my ipod). sometimes i scrap and just enjoy the quiet. or i watch movies in the fam room curled up on the loveseat. i breathe. deeply. over and over. i try to quiet my mind before i go to bed.

now. if you think i've said 'dude' and 'seriously' enough....well....my job here is done. off to go watch deadliest catch. kicking james off the big tv and i'm takin' over.

and we're all back.

james is back. and safe.
barry is back. and safe.
they had an eventful trip. a very good trip.
lots of bad weather, skinny and scary yet exhilerating canyons, torrential downpours, a grass landing strip in the middle of nowhere, many unexpected events and much much more. through it all james kept in good contact. he walked five miles to find a phone one day because he didn't have cell coverage and didn't want me to worry. he even made it home a day earlier than expected. good thing it doesn't get dark in alaska right now. that way they could literally fly until 10:30 at night.

james surprised me and came up the campsite on sunday night. he got there at 11pm. he wasn't supposed to get home until monday (assuming all went well). he had been going since 5am that morning. he wanted to see his family. funny thing though....the boys had literally passed out (they were exhausted) and try as hard as he might, james could not wake the boys up for anything that night!! lol..... but they got to see his face first thing this morning and that made them very happy.

keeping the boys busy was a major help while james was away. they had fun camping, riding their bikes (though E took the biggest fall he's ever taken and has a huge scrape on his belly) and their scooters. i am the only sahm in the group. sometimes i feel a little out of place. i really have nothing to contribute....nothing to talk about...unless you want to hear about my boys fighting....how sick i am of vacuuming...and seriously...NO ONE wants to hear about that.....no exciting business trips to talk about (barbara just got back from hong kong). you know...so sometimes it's hard and i feel isolated and a little lonely even though i'm with a big group of people. ~sigh~ overall it was a good weekend. the boys loved swimming. now we are all home. and together. it's almost time for the boys to go to bed. and for us to sleep in our big comfy bed (with fresh sheets) woot!

hope you had a good memorial day weekend. i will say it was very strange to not be with james on our anniversary. thought about him a lot on saturday. just made me appreciate him that much more.

happy anniversary to me.

in two hours anyway. won't be on to post tomorrow. going camping. without james. boys will have fun with kathryn, mike, ash, em, nana, poppa, bill, barbara, zach, kaylee and kruger.

james did call today. two times. good to hear from him...to know he's safe. they did a lot of flying. hope to hear from him in the am before they take off.

so yeah. my anniversary is the 26th. it's interesting this year....not even being with james. he says he's having a good trip. that's good.

off to get the boys to bed. it's late. got my hair cut today. met shelley and jacob and rode bikes and scooters for a while. then we all went out for dinner. just got the boys out of the bath. they need sleep. and so do i. but i must pack the truck. still have things to do!

may 22, 2007.

that's the day ethan decided he was ready to ride without training wheels. totally cool. totally fun to watch. not sure what's more awesome than watching your child grow and WANT to do the things he once thought were waaaay too scary. best part? james was here for it. he was the one who took off the training wheels. he was the one who helped E...got him started...then let go.

i'm happy. but holy crap people. what's next? he just turned six. he's a terror on his razor. tearing it up. which is awesome. and now he's tearing it up on his bike. so cool.

E...i am very proud of you. my heart is seriously full of pride. i think i need some drugs. you know....the keep me from crying at the drop of a hat kind of drugs....i think i'm way too emotional over my kid riding his bike with no training wheels! lol...

ps. yes. he's not wearing a helmet. he was. he decided he was done...then alexander came out of the house and E was so excited he wanted to show his brother how he can ride his bike without training wheels. somehow the helmet didn't get put back on. NO need to call social services. ;) we're really good parents. really.

pss. the photo has not been edited. no photo editing software on my laptop and upstairs computer is not currently functioning...that's why the pic isn't the best quality.

james is going to alaska.

he leaves on thursday.
i told him to go. he wants to go. he IS going.
lets just say...new engine....trees...mountains.....no where to land if necessary.....well over 20 hours of flying time.....minimum of 4 days gone. more likely at least 5. maybe a week. one day to fly commercial there. one day to break in the new engine....then fly home. three days of straight flying.
so. the boys will be little shits while daddy is gone. what. my kids? really? nooooooo. um...yes. lol... they don't like it when james is out of town. they don't even know yet that he's leaving. not only that, he's driving to CA to pick up barry the night before. so they won't see him that night either. or the morning before he leaves. he leaves early. oh well. can't change it.
happens to be my anniversary weekend. one i will celebrate by myself. which is really okay. maybe this trip will be good for james. i hope.
mike said he'll be a surrogate dad to the boys while james is gone. lol... kathryn and mike still want me and the boys to come camping (even though james won't be there). just not sure i have the energy to plan it, pack it all up and actually go.
i need to take a breath. then i need to figure out which of the billion things i need to do i should do first.
i'm about to go on a serious get rid of crap binge. i can't take it anymore! too much stuff just sitting around with no place to go.
need to get some bins for the boys' winter clothes.
need to get the rest of E's summer clothes.
need to get some clothes for me. the four things that i have that fit...gets old wearing the same thing almost every day! i'm tired of big baggy clothes that just don't fit anymore!!!
need to get my car fixed. like bad bad. i'm afraid to drive it too far from home (like any further that E's school or walmart...how i hate walmart)......so that means no clothes shopping for me until my car is fixed. seriously. it's been getting worse. it's been going on for over two months! time to get it fixed!
guess i'll be driving the truck while james is gone.
i'm feeling overwhelmed. and not just a little. A LOT.
and i'm tired.
instead of scrapping yesterday i spent the day outside shoveling 2 inch rock. we put a riverbed in front of the grass. it looks good. but we still have much to do in the front. much repair from the creatures.
and james needs to set the sprinklers on automatic again before he leaves. i'm too retarded to figure out how to program them.
did i mention i'm tired? and overwhelmed? lol... yes. i think i did.
now i'm getting off the computer and i'm going to check one thing off my too-long to do list. and i'll do it with a child literally attached to my leg! lol.. alexander is tired today. long busy weekend. when he's tired he's clingy. i love it if i'm just sitting and cuddling with him. but if i'm trying to get stuff done...??? um...makes it just a bit harder. lol... hopefully the little man will have a good long nap today!
maybe i can make E lay down too...maybe i can take a nap. shhh. don't tell anyone. ;)

phew. the weekend is over.

it was a long hard one. and that is all i have to say about that!

know what's bothering me? okay...well...seriously...the list would be soooo long. in particular i am referring to the fact i can't post pics on my blog from my laptop. it's not because i don't have access to the all our pics. i do. what i don't have, however, is photo editing software on my laptop. and i do most of my blog entires from my laptop. that would be why there are rarely pics. i hope to one day change that...and be able to edit and then post pics from my laptop.

it's 1am. should i go to bed? should i go scrap more? yeah...just finished a page. not my favorite. by a long shot. oh well. they an't all be masterpieces (at least that's what i tell myself. :wink: i do have an early call. think i will go to bed now. tomorrow is another day. here's hoping it's much much better than today was.

oh...one good thing about today? got something done in the front yard. the riverbed is 90% done. that's a good thing. one section at a time....it's a slow process. but it will get done. eventually. and if the little creatures come back....the ones that destroyed our yard....digging little holes in and under our front lawn...eating the roots of all of our flowers.....i have this to say to them. watch your ass. i don't like doing yardwork. i'm watching for ya. don't wanna hurt ya, but i'm also not sharing my space with ya.

rambling nothings.

not having the best day ever.

finished up our t ball season. that's good. it was long. and don'tcha know it....today i had the most fun i've had at any of the games! it's because i left the dugout and coached first base and then coached the outfield when we were out. way way way better than just yelling at kids in the dugout, getting catcher gear on and off and getting the kids out and onto the field in batting order.

worried about james. working too much. soooo tired. sooooo stressed. he's not himself. all i can do is keep away. makes me sad.

we're off to kathryn and mike's shortly.

sometimes i just feel invisible. it's not the first time i've said this. i'm talking scrapping here. not about my personal life. and yeah. speaking of scrapping, sure wish i could do some when it wasn't 1 am. i'm so freaking tired. and i'm tired of being tired.

my day is NOT going how i envisioned. it's been a pretty sucky day actually. i'm not sure i'm in a good frame of mind to go to kathryn's. the boys will have fun. they'll play with ash and em which is good.

deadliest catch season 1 disc 1 arrived today. and i'm happy about it. is it sad i'm happy about it? when i don't feel like scrapping i like to watch a movie. that may be what i'm doing later tonight (depends on how late we stay at kathryn and mike's). though i do have a few scrapping deadlines i need to get on. so yeah. it'll be 1 am and i'll be at my desk. and tomorow i'll be even more tired than i am today!

humpf. i'm in some kind of mood today. guess i should go get our part of dinner ready to go. i'll try to keep my emotions in check tonight. if i don't they might all come rushing out. can't have that now can we.

me....busted?

last summer we went to our state fair with james' mom, his sister, her hubby and their four kids. it's an annual thing. the boys have absolutely the best time. so we go in. trish buys wrist bands for all the boys. james gets ours and puts them on E and alexander. well...E...being the freakish little dude he is, doesn't really like things on his wrist. gets that from me. things on his wrist absolutely cannot be tight. uh...james doesn't quite get that. he put the wrist band on too tight. so all night E pulls at it. finally he tore it off. james tied it back on. no prob...right? um...yeah..........no. this carny dude on one of the rides was being a hard ass......said E couldn't get on the ride because his wrist band had been torn off. the dude didn't think we paid our money. lets just say that didn't go over well with me. so without really thinking, i said (more to myself)....you tell that man i said to BITE ME. dudes. E went over there, got in line, got up to the dude, told him 'bite me' and got on the ride. OMG i about peed my pants!!!!!!!!! seriously i was laughing SO hard. hey. i never said i was mother of the year. and honestly? i still think that is a freaking funny story. okay...not the best lesson i could have taught my kid. but freakin' funny!

7 weird things.

only 7?

1. i like grape tomatoes but they must be sliced in half before i will eat them. i don't like the pop. it's something about the thick skin and the pop. i just don't like it. but i love them when they are sliced.

2. i only drink coffee when i can sit down and enjoy it. i don't like to be rushed or disturbed...coughETHANandALEXANDERcough...when i drink coffee. i think that is why i rarely make it at home. when i go to starbucks, i've usually just taken E to school and it's easier to not be disturbed by one than by two.

3. i don't like to sleep with socks on though i did almost this entire winter. i froze my ass off all winter. could NOT get warm enough. it was bizarre.

4. i have had the same book sitting on my nightstand for well over two years and have yet to finish it. i probably never will. guess it's not that good of a book.

5. the cupboards must be closed in my kitchen. unless you are getting a plate, glass or putting something away....close the freakin' cupboard. ask james. he'll tell you. i hate it when they are left open.

6. i sleep better when callie and oliver are in the bedroom with us. it's like a little ritual. they follow me around all day (when i am home). they lay on the floor under or near my desk at night when i scrap. or they hang with me in the fam room when i watch tv or a movie. when i'm ready for bed i ask them, 'who's ready for puppy night night' and they get up and follow me to our bedroom. and yes. i am serious. i really do this. lol...

7. my scrap desk.....it's MINE. no one....and i mean NO ONE better put ANYTHING on it. james actually isn't even allowed to sit there. seriously. i've got a thing about not having any place just for 'me' in this entire house. every space supposedly designated for me seems to somehow become overrun by others. so we bought the desk and now it's mine. MY space. should i seek professional help? at some point i plan on taking over the loft. it will become mine....MINE.......ALL MINE.... >insert evil laugh< here. ;)

home movies, huh?

nope. i got none. none of me as a child anyway. barely even have any pics of me as a child. you see, when my parents split (it wasn't pretty)...my mom went a bit off the deep end. it was at that time she kicked me out (and because i look like my dad no less)...it was shortly after this that she burned all our family pics. i am still to this day very sad about that. obviously photographs are a very important part of my life. one of the reasons i take so many i'm sure. i want my boys to have a history they can see, not just hear about.

okay...so...on to another story. we of course have taken many many digi clips of the boys. one day i am certain james will gather them and put them all onto one dvd (or whatever).....i always said (actually up until this year) on E's birthday i wanted to sit and watch all the video clips we have. take a trip down memory lane. we never seem to do it. why is that?

now....i leave you with this. once upon a time james asked kimberly to marry him. kimberly said yes. plans were made. it was important to kimberly to have her wedding video taped. here's the best part. are ya ready? the videographer............TURNED OFF THE VIDEO CAMERA. kimberly has NO wedding video. kimberly was very pissed. lol... yeah..haha...i can laugh now. seriously makes me sad. would have loved to watch our wedding. would have loved for our boys to one day see it. oh well, huh?! what can ya do?!

sheesh...i'm fully of happiness tonight. NOT! lol...sorry!

happy day you mother!

'my ten' was inspired by falyn cahall. the flower thing on 'i am' is a steal from em falconbridge.

hahaha...i think that's funny....happy day you mother!! that's a 'james' saying. having a nice day. pretty low on energy. james too. he took a nap today while E and i played (alexander was napping too). james got me super burrito for lunch. yummy. then we went out to eat for dinner. yeah...the diet thing? not so good today. back to it tomorrow full throttle.

the boys and james sang me the happy mother's day song. that was a riot. got some great cards from the boys and james. inside each was a starbucks card. funny james...lol....guess i should have enough starbucks cards to last a crouple of weeks, huh?! and ethan not only offered...but did the dishes from breakfast. seriously. all on his own. he said he wanted me to have a nice day so he wanted to do the dishes. isn't that the best ever?!

maybe a movie tonight. maybe scrapping. depends on what james does.

played yesterday at the online crop at scrapgal. here's a couple of the LOs i did. boys are brushing teeth and then it's time for story! later.

is it friday? already?

spent monday, tuesday and wednesday and thursday at the hospital. thought my dad would be released on wednesday but it didn' thappen. he's good and is now back at home. i spent a lot of time with him. james came home from work early to take care of the boys. two little boys...one small confined hospital room...uh...yeah. not happening. so today it's back to normal. which is nice. i will, however, call tomorrow to check on my dad and see how he's doing.

he's in the middle of building a house (doing much of the work himself). he's not supposed to do anything strenuous for 5-7 days, preferably two weeks. humpf. they apparently do not know my father. i am quite certain he's out doing something he shouldn't as i type this.

i think once E gets out of school for the summer we will take a day or two and go and see him.

this is how it went down.

my brother called. 'what's going on with LRB?' LRB is how we refer to our father.
'um. i dunno. what do you mean?'
his wife sent an email. i had yet to even tun on my laptop. i was trying to get the boys ready so we could take E to school.
did you get that? an email. she sent an email. to tell us that he had been life-flighted to the hospital. she didn't call. WTH? so i call the hospital. you see, my dad lives in CA but only about an hour and a half away from me even though we're in dif states. so one of the hospitals here was the closest big hospital.
so i call the hospital. nurse puts me through to LRB. he doesn't say much. i tell him i will come and see him after i take E to school.
turns out he had an ACS (short of a heart attack). they took him to the cath lab, injected the dye. he had blockage in one artery. they put a stent in. not even sure how you spell that and i'm not going to look it up.
so basially i spent my day at the hospital. his wife showed up (she is currently sleeping upstairs) and will go back and see him in the morning. he should be going home tomorrow.
if he's still at the hospital after i take E to school i will again go and see him.
we played cribbage. something he taught me. a way to pass the time. being in the hospital sucks.
what does all this mean? well.....
our relationship is far from perfect. but even so. he's still my dad. i'm not ready for him to go.
i actually know very little about his life. he knows very little about mine. but today we talked which was good.
it was nice to have that time before his wife showed up.
it's been sort of a surreal day. just not used to seeing my dad down.
saw a side of him i haven't seen in years. years people. not sure what to make of it. it's just been a wild day.

what did i do on NSD you ask?

i most certainly did not scrap. nope. here is what i DID do.
laundry
t ball
helped james work on our front yard retaining wall (oh..that was fun). NOT.
we went out to dinner. nice not to cook but hard hard to stay on track weight-wise.
some neighborhood kids were over (which E really loved).
uh...what else. oh. nothing. yeah. it wasn't very exciting!
but you know what?
there is something to be said for an ordinary nothing unexpected happened kind of day.
so it's all good.

my new do. take 2.

yes. i got my hair cut three weeks ago. but....uh....i wasn't happy with it. i liked that it was shorter. but it just wasn't quite right. so i took a chance. went to a totally new person. and she rocks. like holy freakin' crap rocks.
she said, 'do you know what you want?'
i said, 'no. not really. all i know is i'm not happy with how it is now. it's too long to be "short" hair. and i want short hair.
and she got it. and she fixed it. and i'm going back to her for my next cut. i may be hers forever. now we're talking color. woot. maybe. not so sure. i've had a partial weave before. but dude. i so wasn't happy with it. but i may let mindy convince me. she did rock the cut.

i'm answering these questions.

1) Do you have a tattoo? Where? Why? What does it look like?
nope. me no likey needles. but i'm contemplating a small (very small) diamond stud for my nose. yes. i'm serious. no. james doesn't know this yet. he doesn't read my blog often. it'll be a surprise IF i decide to do it. :wink:

2) Are you a "fly by the seat of your pants gal" or "a planner"? (Love me some Julia Roberts circa "Pretty Woman" vibe)
i dig that movie. ~sigh~ i want the 'romance' of that movie in my life.
on to the question. i am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person AND a bit of a planner. i like to do some things in advance. for other things...i hate having to be somewhere at a certain time/date. i don't like making plans...other times i do....i'm a woman in constant conflict! lol..

3) For one day.....and one day only. If you could do any thing, be any thing, say any thing.... with no consequences...what would that "thing" be?
in no particular order:
i would be filthy rich. i would go out and buy nice things. and a lot of 'em. yes. i'm materialistic. whatcha gonna do 'bout it. :wink: i really need clothes. bad. everything (except for the outfit my mom bought me last week) is four sizes too big. four.
i would eat whatever i wanted. omg that would be so awesome. seriously....that would be the best!
i would say exactly what is on my mind to a few people. coughMY FATHER/BROTHER/MOTHERcough. family. it's so complicated.
i would make james 100% healthy and better.
i would sleep.
i would paint (oil on canvas).
i would scrap.
i would travel the world. hey. no one said my answer had to be realistic.
i would beat the crap out of all the rude people that i encounter throughout my day. yes. i have issues with rude people.
i would meet claude monet. i would watch him paint.
i would just like the ability to go anywhere i want, spend as much as i want without even having to think about it.
i could go on. really. but i'm sure you're tired of reading.

things i know. take 2.

1. i will only like a food if it has sugar and lots of fat. ice cream, chocolate chip cookies, candy bars. see? it's true.

2. i am dog-ass tired and should go to bed before 1 am. sometimes 2 am. like last night. i am dragging!

3. raising kids is exhausting. seriously. and not just because i go to bed at 2 am and get up at 6. it just requires 100% constant effort, reinforcement, teaching, love...etc...

scrappage

after not feeling like scrapping in what seemed like forever, i was finally able to produce something for scrapgal's may newsletter. i wish i could get my scrap on whenever i felt the urge (not just late late at night when i should be sleeping)! dina puts together a most fabulous newsletter. there are many many talented women at scrapgal. stop by!

here's what i've decided.

i'm tired of sounding like a mom. 'you guys are gonna pick up those >insert whatever it happens to be here....toys...flashlights....other toys< before you go up to brush your teeth, right?' and i say it in such a 'mom' voice. um....what happened to kimberly. the person who wasn't a mother? the person who didn't use to constantly pick up after her family. the person who had an identity other than 'mom'. don't get me wrong. i love my kids and i love being a mom. but you know what? i need it to not be my entire identity. i need some part of me to be just 'me'. how do i make that happen? it's odd for me to say that. because i have such a ferocious love for my kids. but i have an equally ferocious appetite to still be just 'me'. weird. i must find balance. that's for sure.

the weekend.

it was filled with t ball, buying rocks (oh what fun...NOT), more t ball, grocery shopping, dealing with a seriously grouchy and exhausted six year old, oh..and don't forget the yard work. omg i hate yard work. some creatures destroyed our front yard last summer unbeknowst to us. we were so busy kayaking and camping we were never home. but the creatures are causing us much money in repair. lawn? completely destroyed. cranesbill? completely destroyed. james tore down the rock wall and dug down deeper. we took out maybe 8 bushes. some may be able to be saved. probably not. we will see. we're going to lay down the yard fabric, lay 2 inch river rock over it (james is making a river bed) for the ferocious run off we get in the winter. little creatures be forewarned. i am not a violent person. i don't even eat beef. hey. pet a cow...can't eat one. BUT. i.........have.........yet............to............pet.................a.................vole. so watch out you little $%$^!!!! i'm watching for you. don't make me hurt you. go quietly along your way. do not stop in my front yard again. i am now an angry woman who spent the weekend doing yard work. momma's not a happy girl.

most embarrassing moment?

seriously? i have so many to choose from. it's actually pretty sad. lol... these are the ones i'm willing to tell you about. yes. there are some i don't even let myself think about. it's that bad. lol...

about a year and a half ago james and i (and the boys) were at a restaurant eating dinner. the server asked me when the baby was due. yeah. um. i wasn't pregnant. and yes. she asked this in front of james. i could have died. i felt so humiliated. maybe i should thank that wretch of a person now. could be part of the motivation for me finally losing the extra weight. seriously though? um...you couldn't pay me enough to thank that person. never...NEVER ask a woman when is the baby due even if you know she is 100% outright about to give birth right in front of you.

lets see. another one? when james and i were dating (which we didn't do very long) before he asked me to marry him, one day we were at my mom's house. she was supposed to be gone. we were...uh...'borrowing' her hot tub. she saw we were there and came outside to 'chat'. we were naked. and she stayed. it was like...go away already! lol... i'm still to this day not sure if she knew we were naked or not. i hope not.

i could go on and on about high school embarrassing moments. the most devastating to me was during a routine at a basketball game. yes. i was in fact a cheerleader. and a bad one at that. probably the worse on the squad. lol... my dad (who NEVER took any interest in me in high school) came to watch me perform. he had never EVER come before. i lived on my own and it was bizarre that my dad came to a game. i was so nervous. i totally lost my rhythm and was off during the entire performance! yeah. could have died. did that in front of the entire school. oh the memories. don't you just love high school? NOT. lol...

there are more but i think i've shared enough humiliation to last a lifetime!

lets pretend it's april 20th.

i say this because that was ethan's birthday. a very special day. but. being as busy as i was, i did not have time to post anything special to my son on that day. so finally...i'm doing it today.

i took various pics of him throughout the day. his birthday was on a friday. his first birthday wish? breakfast at starbucks. that's my boy. hard to see because he was a nonstop blur of action but he's eating a cinnamon twist (to go along with his hot cocoa). the breakfasst of birthday boy champions.




















after starbucks it was off to raley's. i needed more butter to finish the swiss meringue buttercreme frosting for the cake. the boys LOVE the race car carts at raley's. it's almost worth the higher prices.














after starbucks, raley's and putting gas in my car it was off to school. fridays are my day to volunteer so on this day i brought my camera. i also brought chocolate covered rice krispy treats. dude. it was his birthday. it had to be celebrated. HAD to. lol... he was quite happy.



















directly after school it was off to red robin for lunch (second birthday request) with good friend jacob (and my good friend shelley, jacob's mom). james met us there. not the best pic, the glare from the outside was horrible. but hey. it's a pic. the event has been documented.














happen to love this shot of my now six year old. isn't he adorable? he is. and yes. i'm saying so myself. lol...














after red robbin we had a t ball game.



















guess who got the game ball. yup. the birthday boy. he was very happy. crappy shot. what can i say. it's hard to manage 14 kids and get a good shot at the same time.
















pretend there is a pic of ethan at ashley's party here. yes. i really have one but somehow deleted it and can't get it posted again in the right order. if i add it now it goes to the top and i'm really too lazy to go through and do all this again. so just pretend you see E standing in the middle of a bunch of children at ash's party.

after t ball we had a birthday party to go to. no. not ethan's. his friend ashley. her birthday is two days after E's and it turned out her party was on E's birthday this year. we were there late. like midnight late. the boys were exhausted but had fun. you can see E, holding the pink, yellow and light blue gift for ash. he was in line to give her the gift.

it was a very busy day. poor kid didn't even get to open a present on his birthday. we were that busy. when we got home from ash's party the boys went straight to bed.

ethan's birthday party pics (his party was on the 21st) are still on my cam. yeah. i'll download those soon. i haven't even looked at them yet. and i want to.

i'm pretty sure E had a good day. i know he did the next day. he opened his presents from us that morning. his grammy came later that day and then his actual birthday party. more about that later. the kid was funny. quite the little host.

i have a six year old. holy crap how did that happen.

oh yeah. did i mention i was in labor for 39 hours? 39. yes, it's his day. but it's also our memory. i will treasure april 20 2001 forever. it's such a special day to me. the day ethan was born.

things i know.

a watched pot never boils. well that's actually not true. a watched pot really does boil. i've tested that theory. maybe i should audition for myth busters.
it never fails. just when i want to choke the life right out of my children (no. i would NEVER really do that)....they stop fighting and are nice to each other. good thing too. for them. lol... :wink:
it never fails. james always seems to notice those new little dents and dings in my car. hey. someone should have told me they moved the garage wall closer to my car. yeah. that actually happened today. bummer, huh?! lol..... really. it's okay. i was going verrry slow. happened when i was pulling into the garage. i checked. my ride's okay. the wall? um. not so much. lol... itty bitty dent in the sheetrock. oh well. lol...

other things i know?
the phone always rings when i am in the shower. are there cameras in my house that i don't know about? how does everyone know when i'm in the shower?
it never fails. if there is chocolate in my house, i will eat it. un-huh (just picture me snappin' my fingers here girlfriend). you know.....the 'oh no you ditent' snap.
the last thing i know? eesh. i really don't know many things. lol... i must go and put my children to bed. weeeeeee! i was going to scrap. but instead i will be doing birthday party prep things. humpf. lol...

it's easter!

at least at our house. just downloaded the pics we took on easter day. here are just a few.

truth...or dare.

i'll take the dare. i'm a risk taker. though this one really isn't all that 'daring'. so no prob! lol.. the best gift i ever got? i have two answers to this one. one time (before kids...ahhh...yes...before kids)....james surprised me with a couple nights at a b & b in mendocino. it was totally spur of the moment (for my birthday). we just got in the car and took off. had an absolutely fabulous weekend. miss the days when we were more carefree. now it's not quite as easy to get in the car and go. too much 'kid' paraphanalia.

the other best gift that comes immediately to mind....when i receive money. sounds greedy, i know. but that way i can buy whatever it is i need at the time. my mom is notorious for giving me money for my birthday (and even sometimes at christmas) tucked away inside of a box. i usually buy scrapping supplies. sometimes i put the money into our account and use it to pay bills. sometimes i don't. sometimes i take us out to eat. just depends on what i'm after at the time.

james usually nails birthday gifts and christmas. so i always look forward to gifts from him. he knows me best. out of every single person in my life. he would never ever buy me a disney movie. thank god for that. i HATE disney movies. he would never buy me cutsie 'animal' things. dude. just because i love animals doesn't mean i want a bunch of cutsie animal crap all over my house! lol....hmmm.....i sound a bit pissed off. :wink: really i'm not.

coming down from the adreneline rush.

that's how i feel. with everything we had going on here....i finally just now feel like i am coming down from the adreneline rush. and i'm tired. so tired. i don't feel like scrapping. i sit. i produce nothing. i end up watching my ipod. i need to jazz things up. just don't have the energy. i should go to bed early. but i never do. it's a never-ending vicious cycle. ~sigh~ and it's about to get crazier. t ball game tomorrow (late one). t ball game on sat. sun i'm trying to hook up with a friend (she needs some TLC). i'm getting ready for E's party. menu planning, deciding what kind of cake (size, etc). whatever i make has to be easily transportable since his party is not at our house but instead at jump man jump. all the food items have to be cold (no way to keep anything hot at jump man jump). food has to be easily transportable too. i think i've got a pretty good menu planned. good stuff for the kids AND the adults. and something i will actually be able to eat. i'll just forego the cake/cupcakes. bummer. lol...

went and bought some things today. trying to get organized. i'm going to do a tall round cake (four layers). E wants chocolate. woot! that's my boy. i'm going to fondant the cake. hope it turns out. i'll also make cupcakes (some white) for the freaks of the world who don't like chocolate. surprised me when i ealized there are actually some people who don't like chocolate. freaks. :wink:

my mom flies in on the day of the party (21st). next friday we have a t ball game then immediately after a birthday party for E's little girlfriend ashley to go to. that day happens to be E's actual birthday (the 20th) then sat is his party. finally found a little something small for E for us to get him (along with the razor scooter). it's gonna be fun to watch him ride his scooter (and i may even ride it too). they're fun. next time i take the boys to the park i'll put alexander's bike in my car and E's scooter and off we'll go. i can sit and hang easily keeping them both in my sights and they can have 'some' freedom!

back to the party...hope i'm planning enough food. got another RSVP today. i'm bummed E's best friend jacob can't come (he has a farm game the night of the party). so to make up for it, shelley, jacob, james, alexander and i are going to take E out to lunch on his actual birthday. so E can have some special time with jacob.

now i should go finish up dinner. the boys are playing outside. they are insane. it's freezing cold. biting cold. brrrrrrrrrrrrrr. i'm warm inside. wearing my fleece jams. yes. i'm already in my jams. what does that tell you? lol....

what kimberly needs

sleep
a vacation
to be satisfied. things are good. why am i always searching for.....well....SOMETHING?!
more sleep. the kind where you stay up late, go to bed, don't wake up 8 zillion times during the night and get to sleep in in the morning until you're not tired anymore.....not when two adorable little boys stomping down the stairs.
okay...yeah..i know...not how this blog challenge is supposed to work. okay. here's what i found when i googled my name + needs.

apparently li'l kim needs to shut up. heh.
When she takes a picture, Kimberly needs to know exactly how much light will reach the film. i can always use photography tips.
Sally argues that Kimberly has been living a lie, so the truth may overwhelm her and make her even more insecure. it's like sally really knows me. lol.. am i living in a harlequin romance novel? and no. i have never really read one.
Silly Kimberly needs all five of her riders around her at all times! um...not even going to try and guess what this is about! lol.. but i sure could use five people around. my house needs to be cleaned. laundry needs to be done. this is always breakfast, lunch and dinner to be made. ~sigh~ hey. a girl can dream, right?!

there is too much sadness in the world.

spent some time with a friend today...a friend who is very sad. i wish i could make her feel better. i really do.

instead of going to bed...or scrapping....i'm watching deadliest catch. i am so fascinated with this show. stems from my time living in fort bragg, of good times....of dating timothy, a guy who was in the coast guard. i have always loved boats....been fascinated by the ocean.....damn i miss the water. the beach. the smell. the mist. all of it.

my new do. (blog chall #12 is below this post)

short. sassy? james would say yes. lol... definitely different. and that can be a good thing. i'm just not sure if it is. yet. lol... it'll take me a few days to adjust.

in other news, FINALLY lost another pound. i'm down a total of 34. but it is so freaking slow now. so frustrating. but i'm sticking with it. i want to lose a minimum of 14 more. doesn't sound like much. but when you're losing one pound every three freaking weeks it sounds like a lifetime!!!

blog challenge #12

my name. hmmm. not very exciting. kimberly dawnay reed. i used to be kimberly dawnay beck. i said to myself, 'when i get married, i want a last name with more than one syllable.' humpf. lol... that didn't happen!

my mom liked the name megan. my dad didn't. they somehow compromised and named me kimberly. my dad made up my middle name. and that's that. see? not very exciting. not wild about 'kimberly' because everyone automatically calls me kim which i absolutely detest. lol.. i'm pretty sure you all know that. :wink: if i could have been named something else? no clue. i can tell you james' best friend scott...his last name is genevish. i did want his last name. lol.. not to marry 'him'...just really like his last name! lol... but hey. what can ya do. i fell for a reed. :wink:

the truth comes out.

i do in fact own a piper arrow. james and i, and my brother and his wife went in together and bought this plane several years ago. not the best pic. this is it during its yearly inspection by our AP (mechanic). i have other much better pics. just don't have any of 'em on the computer and i'm too lazy to go dig through all the pre-digital unorganized pics to get something better. what's my lie you ask? i don't fly it. i have flown it......i went to ground school and was in the process of getting my pilot's license. but i didn't finish. i may at some point, log the required hours, take my check ride and get my license. i may not. james is a pilot. my brother is a pilot. my dad is also a pilot. it's fun. it's the most amazing high when landing a small plane. i think that's the best part. also taking off...what a rush. that moment when you pull back....you're up in the air....that feeling of suspension....
















i did climb lovers leap and yes, i am afraid of heights. i'm glad i did it. i was not happy at the time...lol....i really am very afraid of heights.....but looking back i'm really glad i did it. have no pic for this one...again...too lazy to go dig through the pre-digital pics and scan something.

and yeah baby. i most definitely kissed a dolphin! i swam with the dolphins during our last trip to kona (hmm...two years ago this summer). it was something i always wanted to do. it was SO awesome!

make a liar out of me. go on. do it.

blog challenge #11. make three statements. two are true. one is not. can you guess which one isn't?

1. i own (and fly) a piper arrow (four-seater retract plane).
2. i have climbed lovers leap (a multi-pitch climb) yet i am afraid of heights.
3. i have kissed a dolphin right on the lips.

bad bad kimberly!

it's sunday. know how many times we went out to eat this weekend? three. that's a lot!! bad bad bad for my weight loss plan. bad. not even sure i want to get on the scale on wed!!! eeesh. we haven't gone out to eat that much in a long long time. we were feeling lazy. and i needed to go the store but didn't make it yet. we had a weekend full of t ball. opening ceremonies, a game and then practice. and we spent a bit of time down at the hospital with my father in law. he's still there. going on a week now.

ever have that feeling like you're forgetting something? that's how i feel right now. like i'm supposed to be somewhere else doing something else. like i'm supposed to go somewhere tomorrow but i can't remember where. hate that!

the wind was horrible here today. i hate wind. howling wind. hate hate hate it. it's still blowing out there right now. it was miserable at practice today. the kids did well....i'm surprised some of 'em didn't get picked up and literally blown away. hope the wind goes away and it gets a little warmer this week. one thing i'm looking forward to? when summer finally gets here i get to buy some new clothes. that actually fit. everything i own is now too big. all my jeans are held up by belts. when i undo the belt my jeans literally fall off. don't even have to unbutton or unzip them! hey. i'm not complaining. well...lol...i am...but you know. i would rather my pants fall off than be fat. need to remind myself of that next time i'm tempted to go sneak a bite of something i shouldn't have having.

now to get my big buns off my laptop and go and do something. boys are almost done with their bath.

a shout out to my girl shandy!

yeah. she's my girl. ;) lol.... shandy is one of the nicest people ever. she was kind enough to make my blog banner! woot! she rocks. she's a fab digi scrapper. she's a whiz on the computer. check out her blog here: http://johnandshandy.blogspot.com/
and her digi blog here: http://digitizedcreations.blogspot.com/
shandy sometimes has freebies on her digi blog. she's a generous person! shandy is swass. yeah baby. that's right. swass. lol..... shandy, make sure you tell john he really IS bringing back swass. lol... the two of you are some cool dudes. swass baby.

thank you shandy!!

i should be scrapping!

blog challenge #10: tell you about something i collect. honestly? i can think of only one thing i collect. christmas ornaments. whenever we travel we always seem to find a christmas store (and it's never christmas time). so we started buying an ornament from each place we travel to. i love christmas. and i love going into christmas stores. which is just odd because i hate to shop. it's kind of fun at chrismtas because when we decorate the tree we get to reminisce about our trips...what we did...where we were....what our lives were like at that time...this post would be much better with a pic or two but i don't have any pics of those specific ornaments (just our christmas trees in general). so instead i'll make you suffer through some random pics i came across tonight while i was looking for something else.

love me a b & w pic. this is alexander the last time we were in mendo (feb 2007). it blows me away because below i posted three pics of him when he was only three months old! seriously mind-tripping how much he has changed and how fast he is growing up.


























one of my fave pics of james and E. E is almost 3 here. first time we took him ice skating.

random nothings.

is it possible for my kids to literally drive me insane? i think it is. because they are. what am i going to do all summer when E is out of school? eeeeks. there won't be enough swimming lessons, soccer or other physical activities to keep him from going stir crazy therefore driving me absolutely over the edge! oy.

my father-in-law is in the hospital. no clue when he will get out. they don't even know what is wrong with him. well, they know some of the things (and they are being addressed and treated) but they think there is something underlying going on. that is what has them mystified.

E's first t ball game of the season is saturday. opening ceremonies are at 11:00 and then his game at 3:00. yippy for us. we get to go back twice. lol..

E turns 6 next month. we finally decided what we will do for his birthday. he wants to go to jump man jump. i have reserved (and paid for) the party. my mom flies in the day of the party. i need to plan the menu, figure out what to get him (we already got him a razor scooter) but want to get him something else too, send out the invites (but first E needs to decide whom from his class he wants to invite)......a surprisingly difficult task for a five-almost-six-year-old.

i still have noting creative flowing out of me. and it's seriously pissing me off. wth? well i know the cause...but come on.....things are calming down...why am i not able to reach in and pull out something absolutely fab?? humpf. i should go sit at my desk now. james is playing with the boys and i have about 15 free minutes. but instead, here i sit. lol... dinner cooked. dishes done. laundry folded.....alexander's bed made...he wet the bed last night :( oliver's ear cleaned...poor dog has yet another ear infection....alexander's clothes all clean and put away...dogs fed....maybe i should watch a movie tonight. try to quit forcing the creativity. it will return. at some point....

this is what i need.

sleep.
more sleep.
chocolate ice cream or a chocolate milk shake. a really good one.
permission (from myself) to eat like i used to. just for a day or two. but that ain't happening.
a break. from the mundane.
for the scale to say i lost weight when i get on on wednesday.
for my kids to quit being grouchy.
for E to get better (he's sick for the umteenth time since startking kindergarten).
for alexander to take a long nap today.
to get over this serious whatever it is. things are good and i just need to get over it.
for my car to be fixed (leaky/low tire and leak in the transmission seal).
for james to be rested. and well.
to feel like scrapping.


blog challenge #8: to use a blog entry and create a LO. no prob. was just thinking about doing that yesterday actually. there is one entry that pretty much sums things up. so. when i start to feel like scrapping again (i will...right?...feel like scrapping again?)...
then i'll do that LO.

i've got just the thing to cheer you up.

yes. this is my wedding. i love the dress. EXCEPT the big poofy shoulders. omg....what was i? a football player??? sheesh! lol..

i dated this guy who was in the coast guard. right before he left for bootcamp he took these 'sexy' pics of me to take with him. HAAAAAAAA! omg...the hair....the make up...the pink...i used to wear, get this...nothing but pink!!!


check me out yo! it's not so much the cheerleader outfit (yes i was in fact a cheerleader)...it's more the hair. can you see the side pony??? eeeeeeew!!














do you just love my peach colored dress??? GAG. actually all these pics together (dontcha just dig my hair)? can you say perm???? obviously i could. and yo. that is the dress my mom made me wear the second time she got married. yeah. thanks for that mom.

documenting my day.

woke up to alexander having wet the bed. :( poor little boy was very upset. so i'm washing everything! and i already had taken ethan's laundry downstairs. poor kid is almost out of clean clothes. then there's always dishes. made the boys waffles for breakfast. still haven't done the dishes. hey. i've got all day. i would take this kind of norm any time over the last few days so i'm not complaining. it's nice just to be even semi-normal. the pics look like crap...sorry about that. i normally edit everything. but alexander is using the computer upstairs and i don't have any photo editing software on my laptop. so...you get crappy pics! they weren't great to begin with. i'm sort of feeling lackluster and didn't want to sit there looking for the perfect shot of my 10 loads of laundry. lol... so it is what it is! i am going to go do stuff now. i have lots of 'stuff' i need to do!!

seriously??? seriously.

my mom calls. i'm being polite but not letting her in. why bother. so i'm about to hang up and she says, "you sound subdued." ya fucking think?!!!! seriously? this is what she says? i mean get a fucking clue. seriously.

just had to get that out. now i'm better.

i need sleep.

two days have passsed. two days. these days have been better than monday.

i have some projects i need to get done. problem is? i don't feel like doing them. i actually do not feel like scrapping. um...that's kind of a problem. so i'm going to sit at my desk tonight. and try to scrap. whatever comes out comes out. sometimes it takes me a page or two to get something i like. especially when i feel like this. which i have been feeling like for oh...i don't know...quite a while now. i just scrap through the crap. get it out. and eventually something strikes me and i can make something work. i did create this art journal page several days ago. i think it's appropriate. the journaling is long but really fits how i'm feeling.

create. not everything must be a masterpiece. the more you create the more your style will evolve, the more ideas you will have. it's okay not to absolutely love everything you make. create from what is within you. experiment...try new things. don't try so hard. let it go. don't stress and it will come to you. if you are struggling it's not right for you. it's all part of the learning and creative process. give yourself permission to let it come out. whatever it is. creativity may seem fleeting but it is always within you. the secret is knowing how to tap into it. play with an idea. if some of it works keep it. get rid of what doesn't. as long as you see something you like keep working it. when you don't, stop. don't force it. it is okay to take a break. long or short. my message is this: BE INSPIRED. create often and freely. be real. be true to yourself. believe in yourself. see the possibilities and then make them happen.

the page is based on a Natasha Wescoat painting and was in response to a challenge at scrapgal.

i can't seem to sleep through the night. or even barely at all for that matter. my sleep is not restful. it is restless. makes for long nights. guess i should go get some pics ready for scrapping. i have none at the moment ready for use. i guess that would be the first set in getting back into scrapping, eh?

and now i am home.

i'm pretty sure today has been the longest day of my life. at least in recent history. actually for the past few weeks my days have been full of long days. but today was....it was....almost other worldly. surreal. but now i am home. the boys are tucked in safe. they have their mommy back. grandma is back at home. isn't it strange how one day can feel like a week? or longer? i swear....the day isn't even quite over yet it feels like it happened a lifetime ago.

and so it is done.
the end of indecision.
the decision has been made.
it is the end of indecision and the beginning of living with the consequences, hoping the right choice has been made. because there is no going back.

today has just been the most incredibly difficult day. you can't even imagine.

while you can be a couple with someone, no matter what you are going through you ultimately end up going through it alone. at some point you are separated. yes...you come back together after it's done...but for that period....you are alone. one of you here and the other of you there. one experiencing one side and the other the other. each alone. did i mention that today has absolutely been one of the most suckiest horrible days of my life? well it was. and god how i tried to keep it away from the boys. to not let this touch them absolutely any more than it had to.

our lives have been forever changed today. for better? for worse? what more is to come our way? i don't even want to think about it. not today. i just can't.

i have never in my life ever felt so alone as i did today. i am independent. i do not like relying on anyone for anything. well...except for james for technical stuff. but come on. it's technical stuff and i suck at it. but for everything else? i am self-reliant. i've just had to become that. but sometimes i feel like it would be nice to have people there to help support me. i am sure to someone who doesn't really know me this post may seem dramatic. even cryptic. yes something is clearly happening here. and i'm not saying what. i'm just trying to work through all the craziness. to sort it out. it's hard.

ever wonder if you're strong enough for a situation? well if you ask me, there is no way to know until you're actually in a particular situation. you deal with what comes. when it's happening you do what you have to to get through it. you feel so much isolation, loneliness, helplessness, and many more emotions. you struggle to find your way out of the drowning sea of all that is coming at you. and you do. one way or the other you do. you have to.

i should be in bed. i am truly exhausted. i have never felt my body shake like i did today. seriously. and to know that it may not be over. but hoping that for now...at least for now....that it is. so that we have time to regroup before being hit with anything else.

i couldn't wait to get home and just hold my boys. i needed them tonight. and they needed me. they had a rough day too.

.....crazy talk......

this LO was for my challenge at ScrapGal yesterday.
the challenge was to use gel medium on a LO OR make journaling the focal point of a LO. i did a LO for both but only feel like posting this one. the LO is meant to be simple with mellow colors (love that 7 Gs pp). really wanted the focus to be on the journaling but i do love the semi-muted color the pp gives the page.

the day is not playing out how i imagined it would heh. there's a surprise. today was to be my sleep in day. i'm tired. and it's my own fault. the only time i have to just be, or to create, is late at night when everyone is asleep. so i stay up late every single night. well i can feel myself dragging. more than usual. so james was going to take the boys out this morning. um....didn't quite work out. lol... alexander is not feeling well so he's clinging to me. with a death grip. so james and E are off hunting for rocks. let the back yard landscaping season begin. omg how i hate working in the back yard. so anyway...i was going to go get some groceries. we're out of food. but alexander is being so difficult i don't even think i will venture out of the house!!!

so instead i will post a LO, take a shower and try to get some things done around here i guess. whatever i do i will just try to keep myself busy. need to do that to get through the next few days.

today is my mom's birthday. happy birthday mom. if you weren't on the coast enjoying a quick weekend getaway i would call you. maybe i'll have the boys sing you happy birthday and leave that message for you for when you get back. you need a cell phone.

people say they will be there and help you when you need it but when it comes right down to it, they just don't. you ultimately end up handling things totally on your own. they are busy with their own lives and though their intentions might be good when it comes down to it it just doesn't happen. they think they've volunteered. gave it a galant effort. so it's all good. well i'm not so sure about that.

on one hand if i forget about what is happening life can seem normal. but if i even let myself think even for a second it's almost too much to handle. overload. so now i'm going to get off the computer and go do something. something to keep my mind busy.

dude. nice hair.

did this today in about 10 minutes. totally jen harrison inspired. doh. it's bam pop. but i wanted to do something totally out of character for me. this is clean. there is no paint. but i dig it. i actually really like me some bam pop. i should use it more. btw, that's ethan when he was about three and a half. omg he was SO cute. now he's handsome. at five (he'll be six next month) now he looks so grown up. i love this pic. so totally ethan.

i'm trying to get my groove back on. i can't scrap worth a crap lately!! i know it has to do with what's going on here (take a deep breath) but $#%& it's pissing me off!!!! lol....

okay. now on to shandy's challenge (#4). what do i do when i don't think anyone is watching? hmmm. that's a tough one. pick my nose? um...no. lol..... actually i look at myself in the mirror. not because i think i'm beautiful. i look at me and try to see myself the way other people see me. sometimes when i look in the mirror i see someone who is sad. sometimes i see someone who is happy. sometimes i see someone who looks old and i say to myself, holy crap! who is that?! sometimes i see someone who is tired. no make that always. and instead of going to bed now i'm going to go watch the holiday. woot. and eat popcorn with nothing on it. i've got snack fever SO bad today. didn't help that i took the boys to krispy kreme this morning. they so needed to get out. i didn't even eat a donut. but boy did i want one! anyway...off for my movie!

where does the time go?

i blink and two days have gone by. yet they seem like such long days. how does that work anyway?

shandy has taken over the blog challenge at scrapgal (http://www.scrapgal.com/). if i wasn't so lazy i would make that link look better. her question today is 'was there ever a fad i had to be a part of'. i would say in high school that was a big deal to me. but as i've gotten older i just don't care. i'm pretty much a loner. and i pretty much don't care what people think. i'm not anit-social, just do my own thing. sometimes people see that as being too out of the norm. sometimes i think people receive me as being anti-social, but i'm not. shy...yes. anti-social...no. ~raises eyebrows and rolls eyes~ i really do just do my own thing. it's better that way.

i've been neglecting my blog.

doesn't seem like there is enough time in the day. sometimes i just don't make it here. i'm semi taking part in a blog challenge at scrapgal. yesterday's prompt (hence the semi taking part part)...10 things that make me happy. these are in no particular order.

1. sleep (good uninterrupted don't wake up once during the night kind of sleep)
2. scrapping. a GOOD got it goin' on kind of scrap.
3. chocolate
4. my husband and children
5. the ocean
6. travel
7. good friends
8. painting (oil on canvas)
9. cuddles, belly, lovey and kisses
10. freedom (the ability to go and do things)...it becomes more difficult once you have children

i've been thinking.

it's when things get crazy that we appreciate the mundane in our lives. life is fleeting. it takes a second......less than a second.......to change our lives forever. i am fully aware of this. and i fully appreciate that today was a normal day. no unexpected things happened. there is much to be said for this.

now, given what i just said, i seem to find myself in a sort of funk. yes. again. i can't even scrap. and it sucks ass. i'm just not feelin' it.

one thing i wish for? to stay up as late as i want and to sleep in as late as i want. but that will never happen. that's just not my life right now. i'm just pretty darn tired of feeling like i'm always running out of time. no time to scrap (unless the kids are in bed...unless the things i 'must' do are done). i'm always just fitting things in. makes it hard to be truly free and creative. at least if you ask me. which no one did. but suffer. lol.. it's my blog.

let me just say again how much i do appreciate that nothing bad happened today. i really do. i just wish i could hope for a little bit more than that in my life. some pure joy. some exhileration. some....well...something more. i am not trying to be ungrateful. i appreciate what i have and i appreciate every day that is not filled with fear and worry. i just one day hope to have more than that in any given day.

down 33 lbs.

progress is sooooooooooooooooooooooo slow. i'm doing my best to be patient. down a total of 33 lbs. woot! only prob is...it now takes two weeks to lose what i used to be able to lose in one! SO frustrating!!! i must stick with it. i must stick with it. i must stick with it. think that'll help??? lol...

i'm an idiot.

i really am an idiot. i actually thought my mom might offer to help me with something. something i once offered to help her with. well i was wrong. instead i got the 'it's all about me' thing. why is it that everything i talk to her about ends up ultimately being about her, how she's already gone through that and this happend and that happened...and blah fucking blah. should i be surprised? absolutely not. just wishful thinking on my part that it might be different this time. oh well. lesson learned i guess. do not call my mom for support. it ain't gonna happen.

just turned off A Good Year. can you say boring??? omg. seriously. total bummer too. i needed a movie to take my mind away. so much for that. i could scrap. but i feel too tired. i just wanted to zone and forget. to not think. guess i'll go to bed. i do have an early 6:30 am wake up call. every single morning. but hey. i shouldn't complain. james gets up at 5:30. off to bed. hopefully the man turned on my heating pad so my little feet don't freeze. when is summer coming? so i can complain about being hot. you know...never happy....

the surreal life.

no. not the television show. my real life. that's how i've felt today. it's been one of those days that just doesn't seem real. but it is.

you know the one thing (only one? who am i kidding) that freaks me out? that i am the adult. that whatever is going on in my life, i still must be the mother to two little boys. that no matter how crappy, tired, scared or whatever i happen to feel i still have to function and care for my children. are you serious? wow. um. just how do i do that? AND not lose my patience. that's the really hard part.

3 current LOs.

did these 3 LOs for the ScrapGal march newsletter.

'free spirit' was done to go along with my article (a technique-driven blurb) about how to sand, paint and journal right on a pic. not an original idea but one that hadn't been done (at least to my knowledge) in the SG newsletter. the LO has no patterned paper or cardstock.

'savor the beauty' is one of my fave pics from our trip to mendo. there is something about a black and white pic. especially one of the ocean. i dig how i photoshopped the pic. good deep contrast.

'savor every moment' is also a pic i took while in mendocino. it's actually a pretty good pic of the boys. love it. anyway, these three LOs were fun. i especially love 'savor the beauty'. there is something about the yellow color (james calls it the mustard page) with the black and white pic and the black swirly stamps (which are rhonna farrer stamps btw).

and why in the hell my LOs look like crap on blogger i'll never understand. is it photobucket? is it blogger? whatever it is it pisses me off. lol... ~sigh~ if i wasn't such a computer retard my LOs would post right.

so this is where i sit on a friday night. the boys are having a treat (they are watching spongebob) with james. i think i'll watch a flick tonight. or scrap. got new goodies from scrapgal today. woot!! happy weekend.