Tuesday, March 31, 2009

without these things my life would be shit.

lol...okay, the title of my post totally makes me laugh out loud! i do not take myself seriously. you shouldn't either. if you can't use a fucking bad word now and then (or, in my case..often...ha)....well...fuck. get over it!
now....on with it! without these things/people my life would be shit (so giggling right now)....
jan. 'nuff said. okay, well, no. not really. not enough said. she rocks my fucking world. she is the most amazing person (right there along with james) that i have ever met. EVER. we spent some time together today. and it was good.
dan. my boys love him. he is good with them. i can never...EVER...thank him enough. rachael. she gives up her parents. for my boys. she is an amazing young woman.
tara whitney. she is genuine. real. amazing. she makes me smile. i am going back to her house to stay with her again. yes. i am.
cathy zielske's blog post about spices. are ya fucking kidding me? i laughed SO hard. scroll down to march 23rd. make sure you read the entire thing. come on. dick weed? holy crap. i love that so much. i about peed my pants. i am so glad i can laugh. through these last crappy 5 months...i can still laugh.
music. i still can't get enough.
being able to take a deep breath. i know i've mentioned this before. until you can't do it, you really don't miss it. but then you do.
being in the zone. painting.....and not thinking. so effing good.
now i'm of to watch slumdog.
and then hopefully (please please please) some sleep.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

things that make me happy.

watching the sun set on the beach.
pomegranate martinis.
the smell of the ocean.
being able to take a deep breath.
being wrapped up in a blanket on the beach.
hot hot hot coffee.
music. its ability to make me feel something.
been listening to audioslave.
something to look forward to.
not letting that something become all-consuming.
being open to life....trying new things....
learning new things about myself. and being down with whatever it is i have learned.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

a painting.

very impressionist 36x48 painting i did using 3 palatte knives and my all-time fave #10 brush. i so love getting lost in paint. jamming to tunes. i wish i could be in the zone all the freakin' time.

i like to think of myself as independent. but truth be told, i like to know i have some back up support. of some kind. gotta get over that. i may have made a wrong choice on that one.

i know myself well enough to know what will happen. just have to decide if i'm willing to live with the consequences.

nighttime is the worst. need to turn it around. focus. find a way to look forward to that time instead of trying to aimlessly find things and ways to fill that time...like wasting hours on the computer. i should paint. too bad i'm having to force that right now. or i would. i should sleep. yeah. no....that's not workin' either. read a book? um. that would require focus. so...yeah...no. lately i've been taking a lot of hot baths and watching movies while in the tub. but...well...it's the focus thing again. nothing seems to keep my interest. i need a change. oh. i know. drink a martini?! yes. that's it! we have a winner. ;)

tired of thinking, over-thinking and restraint. i just want to fucking be. and do what my instincts tell me to do. this questioning myself....fuck. it's exhausting. i just need to be. and do what feels instinctually right. the end.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

stream of consciousness.

jacked this photo from michelle.
it's a trip to see a photo taken by someone else.
the last three days....too many conflicting emotions at once.
holy crap.
having more trouble sleeping than normal. MORE trouble sleeping? are ya fucking kidding me?!
i want to be consumed.
by something. with something. by someone.
so that i forget everything else. and just be in THAT moment.
the urge...
whatever you want to call it is so strong.
still want to do things i shouldn't do. the part of me that never goes away.
feeling uneasy. pissed off. sad. hopeful.
drinking pomegranate martinis.
hoping i can get some fucking sleep tonight. i so need it.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

i have no idea who this dude is.

but he's a surfer. and that's all that matters. took this photo while hanging out at the beach with my thailand girls. it's one of my all-time fave photos. a dude. and his surfboard. the ocean. hello. what else is there?
i miss james.
i miss 'us'.
i miss touching him. him touching me. our everyday contact. hugs, kisses....exchanging looks....i miss the intimacy we had.
i always feel like crap when i get back from a roadtrip. the last two nights have sucked.
it's a true story that life goes on. it does. i am ready for that. i'm not quite sure how to put all this behind me, yet still keep james a part of the boys' lives. it's all very confusing.
i haven't had much alcohol lately.
i haven't had much caffeine lately. just enough to keep me from falling asleep while driving to/from L.A.
looking forward to a time when i can sleep. peaceful sleep. not the kind where i wake up 50 times a night and toss and turn.
looking forward to not feeling empty. to being excited about life.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

essentials for a roadtrip.

los angeles: 334 miles. at this point i had already been driving for a couple hours. all in all...24 hours of driving in four days. covered about 1,200 miles. essentials for a roadtrip: sunflower seeds. sweettarts. caffeine. water. music. my iPod. my cell phone. my laptop.
our first stop, my friend misty's house. she has a pool. duh. it's about 6pm at this point. it's not hot. it's not even warm! but the kids didn't care. the boys stripped off their clothes and had a blast with misty's girls (payton and ellie).
the next morning we got up and drove. more. these women were the reason for my trip. this photo was taken by tara. so yeah, that's why it's good.
i love this photo. i, of course, was the last one heading back to the car (from the beach) on our way to dinner. thai of course! so i snapped this photo. love it.
after a leisurely morning at tara's, the boys and i got back in the car. and drove. more. eventually found a beach (that was my goal) and we got out and played. E (my little photog) took this shot of me and alexander. alexander and me? whatever.
E. ALWAYS in motion. look at the smile on his face!
alexander (at seal beach).
hmmm. yeah. a photo of my ass. it's as if james is still alive. james took photos of my ass. ALL the time. lol... so i guess E is taking after his daddy because he took this photo. and this is just SO wrong on SO many levels!! lol...
E also took this one.

i drove around for an hour and a half looking for a beach. yeah...me and driving in L.A.....um....HOLY CRAP. when i finally found a beach i was very happy. as we were getting out of the car alexander saw this house and said, "we should buy that house." he is very aware of what we are doing. roadtrips...always looking at places...houses...the right place to be (L.A. is not the place for us)...he's ready. and i am happy about that. sometimes he just seems so much older than 5. he is so very aware of what is going on around him.
these photos are very out of order. oh well. one of the things we (me, tara, em, dona, maren, kari, michelle) did was go get pedicres. dudes. i have never in my life (until this weekend) had a pedicure. so not my thing! but whatever. they all wanted to do it..so i did. all the girls were choosing their colors...pretty pink...nice bright happy red. me? purple. ha!!!!!!!! i dig it. this is the first time my toes have ever had polish. it was a trip.
alexander loves the ocean. and i am so so so happy about that.
the kid that NEVER sleeps in the car. he was finally SO exhausted even he couldn't fight it. this was on the long-ass drive home on monday. he slept for...no shit...15 minutes. then woke up. but he was so adorable how could i not take a photo (and yes..it was while i was driving)! lol..
the big one didn't sleep. what's a kid to do during all that driving? play his DS of course. so yeah..snapped this one while i was driving too! ha.

Monday, March 16, 2009

extraordinary people.

there are some people in life that not only touch your life, but change it. people that pick you up when you are down. people that make you see yourself differently. almost the way they see you. these people are extraordinary. tara (and you better believe jeff is in this category), emily....i have no words. i looked at these photos tonight when i got home and started crying. SO happy to have spent the weekend with you. michelle, kari, dona, april......each of you has touched my life. you are all amazing. AMAZING.
there are no words for this. i'm not even going to try.
tara....what you have done for me...shown me....i can NEVER adequately express my gratitude. ever.
michelle, my red bull-loving sassy bad-ass red head, you rock. i love your zest for life.
kari. such a surprise to see you! i totally wasn't expecting you to be there. so glad you were. you are delightful, truly beautiful and amazing. there is an inner peace about you. you are a gentle soul.
emily.....you are amazing. what you have done for me....i can never thank you enough. there just aren't words good enough...big enough....you are an amazing person with an amazing soul. your kindness has brought tears to my eyes so many times. you saw that for yourself this weekend.
dona, your smile. your laugh. omg they are THE best. you, my friend, are exceptional.

truly amazing women. each and every one.

i love how all of our shadows surround em in this photo. such an overwhelming weekend. so much emotion. so many laughs. so so wonderful. i thank each and every one of you.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

i love a good black and white photo.

i have a thing for lighthouses. always have. i love it when they have their original shit. i seem to like old buildings. old houses. i love what a lighthouse represents. and all that goes with it.
i have such eclectic taste in music. been lisening to the beastie boys (the mix up). i dig it.
last night E woke up. had a nightmare. so i was up with him for quite a while. hope he sleeps through tonight. the poor kid is exhausted.
music is loud. and non-stop.
diggin' my new phone. and the fact that i fucking got the SIM card out of my old phone and into my new phone all by myself. fuck you at&t. i'm just sayin'.
going to beat the living shit out of my sewing machine tomorrow if it gives me ANY problems. holy crap.
need to paint. and not my mother fucking bedroom. some art. but it's not happening. so totally not feelin' it. fucking-a. and i'm totally laughing. could this post have any more bad language in it?! ha!!!!!!!!!
i can out-wait, out-last and maintain as long as i need to. and that's what i'm doin'.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

things i am addicted to.

photo E took. more santa cruz pics. i took a freakin' lot of 'em.
bad ass coffee? i dig it.

santa cruz had a nice feel. i liked it.


so cute. how could i not take his photo.

a couple more photos E took.

love E in the foreground and alexander in the background.
things i am addicted to:
taking photos. duh.
chocolate. 70% cocoa. i am all over it.
soda...coke...my weakess. well...one of 'em, anyway.
my desktop.
my laptop.
my cell phone.
text messaging.
instant messaging.
staying up late.
the smell of paint, gesso and canvas.

Monday, March 09, 2009

random photo.

random photo from the weekend. went to see my friend krueger. so this is krueger, his daughter kaysea, alexander, E and warner!
things on my mind:
i am fucking tired.
anger. people who pretend to care but really don't? they suck. people who let you down. time after time. it is out of pure respect for james that i deal with them at ALL. cuz dude. i so want to tell them to fuck off.
emptiness. its just been one of those days. so hoping tomorrow will be better. i know it will!
wanting to get passed it all.
wanting to wake up and feel happy. and excited about life again. not like i'm about to throw up at any given minute. which is how i feel right now.
if a person can be both emotionally and physically exhausted, i think i am there.
wondering if i will ever be able to jump in freely again. without reservation. afraid to let myself do that. and that sucks.
so so so tired of restraint. restraint and me? so do not belong together.

Monday, March 02, 2009

roadtrip to santa cruz.

needed to get out of town for the weekend so i loaded the boys and some crap into the car and we drove to santa cruz. i love the look on alexander's face.
we went to the beach both days. sunday it rained. but we didn't care. it was coming down. it wasn't my intention to hang out long (since it was raining)...but the boys were diggin' it. alexander took off his pants and shirt (i love the freedom) it was awesome.

i enjoyed the rain. watching the boys. and just being at the beach.
on saturday we hung out at the boardwalk. and if you go to a boardwalk, or a pier you must eat a pretzel. that's just a given.

ethan at the boardwalk.

we did a little walking around. no. wait. the boys RAN. i walked. love the photo. it so captures them.
E asked me if he could take some photos with my 'big' cam. i took a chance and gave it to him. SO glad he didn't drop it. so this photo was taken by E.
i so think of tara when i see this. the blue wall? come on. love this photo of the boys.

as i always do, i took a random shot. this is of course the boardwalk.

it was raining. and they didn't care. and neither did i. wearing his shoes, and everythig else...into the water E went. up to his frickin' waste. he was soaked. and it was awesome. alexander seems to be my little exhibitionist. hmm. wonder where he gets that from.
and of course what's any roadtrip without a photo taken while driving. that just really helps capture the trip for me.

hookin' up with dona on sunday was the icing on the cake. dona has the most amazing laugh and smile. it was delightful.