Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
me at cannon beach.
it was frickin freezing!!!!!
i was not adequately prepared for how cold it would be. and i should have been. i know what it's like at the northern oregon coast.
going to eat coffee ice cream with magic shell. i so shouldn't. but i so am.
going to watch a movie.
and then go to bed.
first quiet moment all day. holy crap.
took my mom to the airport. she is now on her way home.
so we see this chick with a tramp stamp. you know...a huge-ass tatoo sticking out of her thong and low rise jeans. my mom goes, 'oh look. slut butt.' omg. too fricking funny. so i tell her, no mom. it's called a tramp stamp. i love it. then i tell her i am getting a tatoo. not a tramp stamp...but something. just haven't decided what and where. i think it will be hidden. seen only when i am naked.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
back from our trip.
i always crash when i return from a trip.
this time is no different.
hating life right now.
i literally want to climb into bed, put my iPod on, jam the tunes so loud i can't hear anything else close my eyes and try to sleep.
i have a problem processing things. when i'm doing something, i do it. if it's complicated in any way, or i am low enegy (which i am.....the sleep deprivation thing sucks)..... i don't process any of it until days later. it's like my mind/body records the event and when i think about it....go over it in my mind.....that's when i can appreciate what i have done, and how i now feel after having done it. how i SHOULD have felt WHILE doing it.
when what i am doing is all consuming, intense....i can forget everything and just focus on that moment. those times are the fucking best. the moment takes you away from everything else and to you. to what you are all about. to what you are doing. right then. and that fucking rocks.
the day we left astoria (sunday), the weather was perfect. the boys and i took a final walk on the beach. me in a skirt and short sleeved shirt. it was awesome! the boys gave me a few minutes to just think. they picked up shells, rocks...sticks...you know...did boy stuff. and before we left...well...i just had to write a little something in the sand. so someone would know i was there.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
matt nathanson (at the point). holy crap he rocks. i am fucking in love with his voice. and his guitar playing.
taking walks on the beach.
freezing my ass off.
drinking hot hot coffee.
consuming large amounts of caffeine and candy and not enough real food.
acknowledging the huge hole (i mean really noticing) there is in my life from james not being in it any more. feeling homesick (for james, not for home). home sucks.
not feeling like we've found a place. yet.
though i did really love newport.
i am conflicted. whatever it is i am saying to myself....there are too many other noises and i can't clearly hear what i am saying. what it is that i want. where it is that i want to go.
been kind of sad on this trip. and i'm not sure why.
i really haven't had any time to just sit. and think. and i need that. i need that and about 20,000 hours of sleep.
boys are exhausted. they fell asleep in under 5 minutes tonight. and that never happens.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
little driving time (well....not a little)...more than a little. a lot.
and we're here!
jamming to tunes while i drive is so therapeutic for me. love love love that.
driving down highway 20 (heading west) and coming down the little hill....that's when you first see the ocean....smelling the air...SO good.
boys in the pool (me in the hot tub).
found somewhere to eat.
boys are getting ready for bed.
going to the beach.
driving. more. we'll end up where we end up.
the highlight of the trip? the three of us singing (loudly) to matt nathanson's 'come on get higher'. holy crap. my boys know the words to that song!! and...um....it's probably not the best song for them to know! heh. they were rockin' it though. omg it was great. i think i will remember that forever...the three of us singing, rocking out in the car. good stuff.
i would post photos if i could. but my laptop can't read my photocard (and i have yet to figure out why).
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 09, 2009
now that some time has passed, i know where i stand. and have a better idea of what i need to do and what we are going to do.
Monday, April 06, 2009
people think i am running away (by taking so many roadtrips). i'm not. i just can't sit around. doing nothing. every fucking weekend. the weekend was james' time with the boys. and we just cannot sit around doing nothing. so we go places. it's not about running away. it's about getting out. and living life. trying to re-form our family. trying to keep communication open between me and the boys. because i see E closing off. and that can't happen.