Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
there are many ways i can mark the passage of time since james died. how many bags of dogfood i have bought. how many days it's been. how many weeks it's been. how many hours it's been. how many times i have cried. and crying sucks. but i prefer not to mark this particular passage of time. obviously i haven' mastered that yet. i don't want to remember the date. or time. of course i always will. but i don't want to.
alexander said this: i am forgetting his voice. which made my heart break. made my stomach hurt. my little boy...loving his daddy so much. and so aware of what he has lost.
if we have to accept the bad....why can't we accept the good too? i want to focus on the good that we have...and what we will do...where we will go...and what we will make happen.
it wasn't until alexander told me he is forgetting james' voice that i realized just how long it's been since i heard it myself. somtimes it still seems unreal. like this can't really have happened. other times...it feels very real.
getting through it. really truly not giving a crap what anyone thinks about what i say and what i do. doing what i want. caring for the boys. consuming caffeine. trying to keep myself from doing the things i should not do.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
decisions are made on instinct. without over-thinking.
most of the time anyway.
sometimes to my detriment.
can't stop myself.
never have been able to.
and i don't want to.
things need to be said.
life is too short. that much i have learned.
sometimes it's hard, but just say what you mean.
say what you want. in that split second of hesitation..make the decision. and do it.
still consuming large amounts of caffeine.
still jamming to tunes. non-stop.
taking each day as it comes.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
the waves are HUGE.
the ocean is violent.
the sound of the waves crashing....it was so loud...i love that sound. that and the sound a buoy makes. two of my favorite sounds.
i stood in the water as a wave crashed around me and the water rushing back to meet the next wave almost took me with it. and it was freaking awesome. it literally left me dizzy. watching the water rush up toward me, then back with such strength. it was wild. it was amazing.
went for a walk on the beach.
breathed. deep breaths. the kind that center you. if that makes any sense. it does to me.
i didn't cry. crying sucks. i sometimes think it is a waste of energy. i just let my mind wander aimlessly...sometimes thinking about james...me and james...sometimes thinking about absolutely trivial and useless things.
it is only now, that the boys are asleep...and i am not....this not being able to sleep thing sucks so much ass....seriously....
but it is now, that i am awake and the boys are not that i feel sad. i sort of feel like all my forward momentum stops late at night...i'm just sitting...not sleeping...and it sort of all catches up with me.
i'm tired of feeling sad. so effing tired of feeling sad. i am glad we came here. spending time at the beach...the ocean....it is so much better than sitting at home. we are out. doing things. living life...trying to find our way...as lame as that sounds. i so hate fluffy sentiment. it makes me go...ICK.
in the morning we're off to walk across the golden gate bridge.
and eat crab.
i hope i am showing the boys how to live with passion. to live fully. which isn't so easy right now (for me)....but i know it's what james would want. he would want the boys to be happy...he would expect me to right their world. as much as i can.
james was my balance. i miss that. i miss him righting me. making me see things from a different perspective...from a better perspective...he was so much nicer than i am. seriously.
now i'm off to watch a movie on my laptop then hopefully get some sleep.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
working on a painting of a boat...having trouble.....so i walked away for a couple days. i'll come back to it. i'll change one thing and the painting will all the sudden work. it'll come together. love when that happens. i hope it does.
working on another painting (similar to the one i posted yesterday) but in different colors. it's gray, black, white and yellow oxide (which is a mustard color). it's an actual stretched canvas and is 11x14. i'll have to take a photo when i'm done. to big and clunky to scan.
grooving to R.E.M. (low low low). diggin' it.
then it's back to spanish music for a while. then jack johnson again.
friend of mine sent me a little treat in the mail. christina, you effing rock.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
i want to let go of all of this sadness.
but i think i'm scared that if i do, it will be as if i am letting go of james and what our life meant together.
because i think my life will go in such a different direction now.
cannot get enough jack johnson.
the smell of gesso, canvas and paint....there is nothing like it.
still consuming massive amounts of caffeine.
and wanting to consume massive amounts of alcohol.
had a couple of hours to myself today. it was effing awesome. i painted (duh). i sat. and breathed. i listened to music. i ran some errands (bought a new paintbrush, some canvas and stretcher bars). my favoriate brush had a little accident the other night. i fucked around with sewing machine until i figured out what was wrong with it.
currently listening to sting (shape of my heart). it's mellow. full of feeling. i need that. for 5 minutes. then i'll be back to wanting it loud and rocking.
CANNOT get enough music.
so so so tired of feeling this way. just want it to go away.
trying to be thankful for every little bit of peace i feel, every deep breath i can take. for every single second i can laugh and/or smile...for every email i receive that helps me forget (at least for a few minutes).
Friday, January 09, 2009
Thursday, January 08, 2009
pomegranate martinis. yum. had a few at kathryn's 40th surprise bday party tonight. then tuffy (yes...that is his name, he was a firefighter) told me about red bull and vodka. holy shit. why didn't i try that sooner.
many people offered to drive me home. which was nice. so i didn't have to worry about how many drinks i had. sweet. it was, however, difficult to see many of the people i haven't seen since james' service. with everyone giving my questioning looks, coming up to 'hug' me...see if i'm okay. of course i'm okay. what the hell else am i gonna be. and people were watching me. i felt very on display. not everyone was...but some were. and the truth is...i really don't give a crap what people think. i just don't. it doesn't matter. i'll live my life how i want. admittedly, however, this is taking some getting used to after having been married for almost 18 years. i'm not quite sure how to explain it. it's just that i don't have anyone i have to discuss things with anymore....no one else to take into consideration (other than the boys). it's just so different now.
definitely still grooving on caffeine, sugar, no sleep and loud music (it's 12:30am and i'm not the slightest bit tired). kind of a bummer when the alcohol/caffeine buzz wears off...because yes...it IS wearing off....and yes people...it was nice while it lasted. kathryn had a photo of us (me, james and the boys) up on her wall that i hadn't seen before and it literally brought me to tears in an instant. and i am so sick of that shit. i want to move on with my life. i need to. i just want to wake up and for one day.....just one day...not to feel like complete and total crap.
someone said to me a few days ago, 'what do you want your life to be like'. and i've been thinking about that ever since. i want to live by the ocean. i want to paint (and make money doing it). i want to live somewhere the boys will be safe. i would like to not feel so empty and like there is something missing from my life.
i know the boys and i will be okay. because i will make us okay. we have this huge hole in our lives.....and nothing or no one will ever fill it up. it will be there always. but i don't think that means we can't go on...and change our lives. because that's what i think we need to do. when we move, i have no idea how different our lives will be, i just know they will be different. and i think that's a good thing.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
still going on caffeine, sugar and no sleep. i'm sort of tempted to see how long i can do it. seriously. how long can i go without proper nutrition or enough sleep. makes me laugh (in sort of a twisted...i think it's funny kind of way). but apparently i'm easily amused. maybe if i add copious amounts of alcohol into the mix i'll eventually fall asleep. it's definitely tempting. still listening to pandora every second i am awake. craving music that makes me feel something. and i'm lovin' it loud. my poor kids. ;) a lot of jack johnson, the wallflowers, chris isaak, throw in some spanish music....jesse cook (dance of spring), rodrigo y gabriela (juan loco) and of course, some gipsy kings. but really diggin' the jack johnson. and chris isaak. or did i mention that.
got my hair cut this morning (oh my effin hell it was too long). then spent the rest of the day working in the loft (on stuff i am slowly adding to my shop). house is a distaster and i don't care. we're actually out of food too. i have no clue what i'm feeding the boys tonight but i guess i'll figure it out soon enough.
Monday, January 05, 2009
Sunday, January 04, 2009
part of the harbor in brookings.
me and alexander.
overall the trip was good. it was needed. it has left me emotionally exhausted. but at least i did something. i mean...seriously...the range of emotions i have been through in the last four days is astounding. well...to me it is, anyway.