Thursday, October 06, 2011

three years later.

this is me. three years later.
three years ago, at this time, james was in the hospital and i was beginning to understand that he was not going to survive. in two days (three years ago) i will have made the decision to have james taken off of life support. had i known what was to come i'm not sure i could have handled it. sometimes, my mind wanders back to the moment when i told alexander his daddy died. to when i told ethan his daddy died. horrible moments. times i never wish to relive. so much has happened in three years. we road tripped. found a new place to live. sorted through 20 years of my life with james. packed it, sold it and/or gave it away. sold our house. the boys and i moved. had a small house built for us in our destination of choice. relocated the boys to new schools. moved to a place where i knew almost no one. i believe it true that you have a choice. you can either be happy. or sad. i make a conscience effort to choose happy. and i make that choice every single day. there are times, however, and perhaps always will be, when i miss james with every fiber of my being. i miss the 'us' we used to be. knowing he had my back. and i had his. knowing i had someone in this world that was just for me. our lives are good. the boys are doing well. i think james would be proud of us. i am giving myself permission, over the next couple of days, to be a little sad. to think about james. i think the thing that haunts me the most is my decision to take james off of life support. while logically i know it was the right thing to do, i still feel a huge amount of guilt from actually doing it. and i still think the hardest part about all of this has been watching my boys grow up without their father. it kills me when the boys look longingly at other families with a mother AND a father. when i am the only 'mom' at baseball, soccer, basketball, amidst all the fathers and their sons.... i am choosing to be happy. even when i have sad times. there are still nights i rock one or both of the boys to sleep because they are sad. they miss their father. but i am choosing to show the boys life can be good again. choosing to show them how to live with passion. i want them to find what they love in life. and do that thing. or things. i want them to appreciate each and every day. to take nothing for granted. i want them to find someone to share their lives with. becasue it is good. it is, the best stuff on the planet. i miss you, james. and i love you. i am sure that i always will. i am living a new life now, with new people in it. which is the way it has to be. i think you would be happy about that. because i know if i had been the one that died, i would have wanted that for you. with everything that i am. i still sometimes can't believe it's been three years. at other times, that life, seems like a lifetime ago..... just taking a few moments to remember........