Saturday, January 30, 2010

i should be in bed!

sometimes life comes at you hard and fast.
i need to slow things down.
have some time to think.
i need quiet.
alone time.
since i won't be getting that...gotta figure out how to sort through the shit in my head anyway.
the boys have both been sick.
for two weeks.
i now have what they have.
i need to address two issues.
two important issues.
i also need a shitload of sleep.
i am sure if i could sleep the other issues would be clearer.
i sometimes wonder why i do the fucking things i do.
against my better judgment, sometimes i do things.
and it's scary.
there are many powerful emotions.
lack of sleep does not help define what is true and what is not.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

therapist dude.

had a telephone appointment with therapist dude today.
he told me to let him know if i needed him.
so i did.
kind of hard to cram 4 months into 50 minutes.
it was intense.
phone conversations don't have quite the same impact.
but even so, therapist dude helped refocus me.
got asked out by a long haired hippy dude.
which made me throw up.
never, ever thought anyone would ask me out.
it blew my mind.
wasn't ready.
forced myself to go out with him anyway.
because i wanted to know what it would feel like.
how i would react.
of course i threw up after. a bunch of times.
but ultimately i couldn't do it.
something was not quite right there.
therapist dude agreed.
hippy dude was WAY intense.
came on hard and fast.
part of me wanted everything to be right.
because i miss having someone to share things with.
to talk to.
part of me was way not ready.
the boys have been pushing me. HARD.
BOTH of them.
which is unusual.
i usually deal with E's behavior and not alexander's too.
i'll deal with this fucken shit.
fucken roll with it.
figure it out.
and i will fucking enjoy every happy moment that comes my way in the meantime.
45 days until we are fucking in our new house.

Thursday, January 07, 2010


hated the place i lived.
so i moved.
adjusting, figuring things out.
and it's all good.

alexander and callie walking (to the rental) from the bus stop today

it's weird, and i'm not sure i can explain it exactly, but i feel my old life slipping away.
on one hand, that's very sad. it makes me feel like i am losing james all over again.
on the other hand, it's good. i came here for a new start. a fresh place.
but it's sortta freakin' me out.
because i feel like it's all happening so fast.
since moving i haven't really talked to anyone about james.
yes. i know. i need a new therapist dude.
i'll work on that.
life is happening here.
even though it scares the shit out of me, and i literally spent friday night throwing up because of how bad i felt, the guilt i felt at contemplating and taking action to have a life without james, i am forcing myself to do shit. to move forward. even though i don't want to. i know i have to. i have to back the shit with some action. i DO have to move on. to show the boys what there is in life. how to do this.
just wasn't expecting how hard that would be.
it's weird for me to say i don't want to move on.
because for the past few months all i have said is that i DO want to move on.
but now, now that i see a little bit of life opening up to me....fucking scares the shit out of me!
and now i'm not so sure i want to do this.
it's amazing that you can feel so many conflicting emotions at once.
i am excited.
a little bit happy.
missing james.
wanting to open myself up.
but scared to do it.
that takes me to a whole new place.
one that i'm not sure i'm ready for.
a whole lotta guilt with all this.