time warp.

i haven't blogged in two weeks?!
unheard of.
but i haven't felt like it.
seriously not sure where the last two weeks went.
yesterday was alexander's birthday.
he turned 6.
he said the only thing that could have made his day better is if his daddy was still alive.
i have had this feeling.
a bad feeling.
and it just won't go away.
i often felt this way over the 10 years james was sick.
it meant he was getting worse.
it meant something bad was going to happen.
yes. i really truly do trust my instincts.
so this way i've been feeling......
it makes me uneasy.
i'm not sure why i'm feeling this way.
could be the 'i fucking can't sleep' thing is back and maybe i'm just ultra sensitive to life.
or.....uh....yeah. that feeling, it just won't. go away.
i wake up a million fucking times.
AND...yeah....there's an and. AND...i wake up at 5am. no alarm required.
i just fucken wake up.
there are things i miss.
when i think about them i can't breathe.
if i don't think about them i am fine.

kindergarten art.

my first art lesson is now up on the wall outside alexander's classroom.
kid artwork is pure.
went in today for alexander's parent teacher conference.
it was my intent to leave james' death as much as possible, out of our new life.
that's an odd sentence, i know.
his death never goes completely away.
i am always trying to find balance between me moving on with my life, yet still actively helping the boys remember their father and what/who he was and what he would want for them.
so it was a bit of a surprise to me today when jennifer (alexander's teacher) told me that alexander told her yesterday that his dad died.
the subject came up becuse they were talking about some dad-related thing/project in class. alexander matter of factly told her that this did not apply to him because he doesn't have a dad. that a virus attacked his dad's heart and he died.
i thanked her for telling me what alexander said.
i asked her to let me know of any other things she might over hear/discussions alexander might have involving his father and his death.
i maintained my composure.
kept my voice even.
finished the conference.
the boys were with me, of course.
we got in the car and i drove to the river.
left the boys in the car (it was raining).
i walked.
i needed a moment.
i have said this all along.
the saddest part of james dying was the boys losing their father.
they are still so so so young.
what they have had to go through (and what they have lost) breaks my heart.
it's just not fair.
i will never ever understand it.

opoipo

alexander at the astoria coffee house.
a place i sometimes take the boys for a cookie and hot cocoa.
my dad had a heart attack and is in intensive care.
i am where i want to be (meaning astoria). i love it here.
but i do feel far away from everyone i know. duh. i am far away from everyone i know.
i miss having someone to take care of me.
not take care of me in the sense i can't do shit on my own.
that's not what i mean.
i mean.....someone who gives a crap if my day sucked.
someone to listen to me.
someone who will hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.
someone who just genuinely cares about me.
and gives a crap if i am upset about something.
someone who takes an interest in me.
what i think.
what i have to say.
i can do the single parent thing.
i've been doing it for a year.
but i've gotta say, the boys suck the life right out of me.
being a parent is demanding.
nonstop support.
answering nonstop questions.
easing their fears.
making sure they know how much you love them.
that you WILL be there for them.
because they are afraid you will leave them like their father did.
they go to YOU for everything. because you are all they have.
and i can't seem to figure out how to recharge myself.
having some weird-ass dreams about james.
WHEN i sleep.
go to bed exhausted.
wake up exhausted.
my frame of mine is better here. no doubt about that.
i knew i would be presented with new issues.
like the isolation thing.
the hurt i feel about losing my relationship with jan.
it's not the same. not even close.
today (and yesterday) my emotions are very close to the top.
so not where i want them.
this is the point where i get pissed off that this shit just never goes away.
and then i do things.
that i shouldn't do.
at least that's my tendency.
trying to maintain.
really really missing james.
a little pissed off.
there are good things out there in life.
i am not going to settle.
don't know what it is i want yet.
but i do fucking know i will not settle for less than what it is.
i will not apologize for who or what i am.

wtf.

blogger won't let me upload a photo. fuck.
over the last week or so i've noticed myself changing.
becoming afraid.
afraid to say what's on my mind.
afraid to do what i want. when i want. how i want.
wtf.
it's almost like i am afraid to become vested in this new place.
i feel excited (when up at the house, among other times).
i want to scream out the things that before all this crap happened, i would have had no problem doing.
but something is stopping me.
i fucking need therapist dude.
i am getting mother fucking pissed at not being able to paint.
being in the classroom today, generating excitement about painting, watching all those kids paint. it was pure.
i need that back.
what the fuck do i have to do to get it.

here ya go H!

photo taken 10.27.09.
i look tired.
oh. maybe that's because i am.
fucking tired.
sleep issues are semi back.
if they ever went away.
i am happy here.
well, i can be.
i'm actually a little afraid of being happy.
because i know the flip side of that.
i have tried damn hard not to let james' death make me afraid.
but it has.
every once in a while i start to feel good. a little bit happy.
and it scares the shit out of me.
not because i don't want to be happy. i do.
i guess because it reminds me of how i used to live life.
pretty much at full throttle.
it reminds me of what i used to have.
that i used to feel emotion sooo deeply.
i still feel emotion deeply, but it used to be happy emotion (for the most part).
but then that changed.
i've been trying to protect myself. and the boys.
i guess i'm not ready to stop doing that.

things i've noticed.

this is jason. my builder. he will also be my neighbor. see that house up in the top right corner? that's his house. i love jason's demeanor. he is chill. easy-going. he used to own a boat and crab fish. nice. i dig that shit. boats, any dude with a boat.....fishermen...,pretty much any fucken dude in the coast guard....don't know why i just eat that shit up.

spent about an hour with jason today up at the house. made some decisions about windows and other exterior wall issues. made some changes to the flooring downstairs. it was totally effin cool to see what they've done to the house in the last couple of days. when i go back tomorrow at 11am (another meeting with jason), the entire second level should have been framed. right fucken on.

i have noticed:
there are some huge ass spiders here. ICK. i hate spiders.
the principal of E's school stands outside EVERY SINGLE MORNING and greets the kids as they come off the buses and/or are dropped off by their parents. that's way cool. a principal that actually knows the kids, and they know him. concept. wasn't that way in reno.
coffee is big here. everyone drinks coffee! and not just in the morning but all fucken day long. guess i'll fit right in here.
it smells so good here. i want to fully appreciate that every fucking time i go outside. i never want to take that for granted.

the beach where the shipwreck is.....at first i wasn't that crazy about that beach. now? can't fucking get enough of it. i love it. still think i like the other beach in long beach (i think it's long beach)....it has so much character. but the shipwreck beach...i like it too.

getting ready to teach my first art lesson on thursday. holy crap. other than planning the occasional lame-o school party, i haven't 'officially' been in the classroom for 8 years now!! did i mention kindergarteners have the attention spans of ants? yeah. should be interesting. fun, i'm sure. but i'm not even sure, exactly, why i've been asked to do this. if i can get one kid to express himself/herself, to 'click' in some way with art....to remember something, ANYTHING about art in kindergarten, that will rock my world. i really really really want to touch these kids.....help them learn just one thing. all it takes is ONE thing to stick with them for a lifetime.

when you have a hangover, do not go to DMV.

been spending way more time at the beach than i should.
mostly to keep my sanity.
took callie (the dog) for her first time ever to the ocean this weekend.
she loved it.
the boys and i went for a long-ass walk on the beach on sunday.
callie came too.
nice break in the weather.
sundress over long sleeves, over jeans.
no jacket required.
perfect.
been trying for days to go to DMV to take my test so i can get my oregon driver's license and register my car.
today was not the day for that.
do NOT go to DMV to try to get your license when you have a hangover. just sayin.
woke up this morning (after not much sleep) and wasn't sure if i was still drunk or just mother fucking tired with a hangover.
spent some time with dale this morning.
he's the handyman that comes with the rental house.
that was nice.
he is now 'my' handyman (when we move into the new house) he will come and do whatever i need him to. lol...my mind is apparently in the gutter because that sounded dirty to me. ;-) okay...clearly i need to go to bed!!
talked to jan yesterday. a few times.
and today.
nice. and needed.
without her in my daily life i feel a huge void.
and that just sucks.
we are both having a hard time adjusting to not being close to each other.
it felt semi-normal talking to her today. like we weren't so far apart.
i need more of that.
going to be teaching a one hour art lesson in alexander's class once a week from now on.
should be interesting.
getting my shit together to start this week.
it's been so long since i taught i hope i can get it together.