Saturday, December 11, 2010

hipsta app. again.

hipsta app photo taken by E.
taken a couple of days ago.
i'm holding a note that says:
will i feel normal again. ever?
i mean what i say.
i say what i mean.
there is no i'm saying 'this' but really mean 'this'.
in the moment it just is what it is.
that is a good thing.
don't get wrapped up in what it means later.
just let it be in that moment, whatever it is.
i am angry at myself.
for putting myself out there.
in what i feel was a blatant way.
i should have just kept it in.
the thing i am most angry about right now?
what was taken from me when james died.
aside from the obvious, james...himself.
and that my boys lost their father.
that fills me with such sadness.
james had SO much to show them.
give them.
teach them.
so much love for them.
i have lost my love for many things.
my passion.
sometimes i hear the boys bickering.
and it is all i can do not to curl up in a ball and scream.

Friday, December 03, 2010


watching someone work their craft...whatever it might pure magic.
i sometimes watch people and wonder what it is they see.
you know, inside their head.
i wonder if things, life....everything....looks different to them.
do they interpret life differently than the rest of us?
how do they make it happen.
i sometimes wonder this about myself.
i finish a painting and for the life of me, can't recall how i did it.
it just, sort of....happens.
living in a sleepy coastal town?
THE best.
watching the fog lift, as you drive....or walk.....
take in the beauty.
an unexpected beautiful, sunny day?
appreciate every little bit of it.
i am once again reminded how fragile life is.
how easily it can slip away.
how easily, and quickly, bad things can happen.
tonight i am content to sit, by the light of the christmas trees, tucked safely inside my home.
i am also, once again, reminded of what really matters.
someone to share your life with.
all the LITTLE things.
the warmth of another human against you.
well, not just any human.
but one you care about.
strong arms around you.
needing to get back to that place where i can shut out the world.
and hopefully in the process, paint something that conveys passion. intensity. rawness. and beauty.
always beauty.