the tree in ethan's room. white lights, silver bells and red bows. yes. i started decorating for christmas before thanksgiving. i just felt like it and i figured i better take advantage of that feeling while it was there. james and i bought these little fake trees for the boys at the end of last year. i thought about james, of course, as i always do....while the boys and i decorated their trees.
i love christmas. i love the decorations. the christmas music. doing something for someone else that you think they might really love. this time of year is just magical. well, it always has been. and i'm trying not to let that all go away this year. i want the boys to enjoy the magic of santa, of this time of year. of being with family. of doing things for others. i want them to remember back on these years as magical and special. they love having a tree in their rooms. i always did when i was little and i'm glad they love it too.
christine was here with her boys for a few days. she took ethan to school yesterday morning and took her boys with her and alexander too. that meant i had a bit of free time. for the first time since james died. i wasn't sure what to do. take a nap? sit and stare blankly doing nothing? paint? make more phone calls (to find insurance that doesn't suck ass and cost a million trillion dollars a month)? what? what exactly should i do? i went christmas shopping. for the boys. i went to starbucks (thank you chuckers for that...so much!!).
it was both fun, and....well, it was sad. i decided to look for stocking stuffers for the boys. which was something james and i always did together. and of course i found myself wandering through target looking for something for james. then i sort of came out of my daze and realized i wouldn't be buying anything for james. and i lost it (for a minute). right in the middle of target. which was unusual for me. i tend to keep it together when i'm around people and cry only when i'm by myself. and i'm sure the people in target were thinking, "okay, what is wrong with THIS crazy lady?!" but i don't care.
i pulled myself together, fully realizing this christmas will be hard, and sad...but also full of joyous moments. i still want to be able to enjoy finding just the right thing for the boys. i hate shopping. EXCEPT at christmas time. i love poking around, looking for just the right thing for someone. so i'm going to do my best to enjoy and soak up every single happy moment that comes my way with this christmas season. i'm going to do my best to make this christmas the best it can be for the boys. i want magic in their lives.
i was thinking, as i walked into target yesterday, that no one would know my husband died last month just by looking at me, or talking to me. when someone says hi, i say hi back. i smile. i'm polite. and it's sort of surreal because on the inside i feel so completely different. it's hard to reconcile how i feel on the inside with how i act on the outside.
with thanksgiving just two days away, i wanted to take a moment to reflect. i am lucky. i have ethan. and alexander. i lost james, yes. it is the hardest thing i've ever gone through in my life. it scares me, that the boys will grow up without james. that i am wholly responsible for them. i had 18 years with james. and now i have the opportunity to turn this tragedy into something that's meaningful. to show the boys, give meaning to james' death. i have the opportunity to really change things. where we live. what i do for a living. how we actually live our lives. why would i want to change things you ask? if life with james was so great? well....because life without james is so different. that's why. and it's just me. me and the boys. so now we have to do what's best for the three of us. so i'm working on figuring out what that's going to be.