Saturday, September 17, 2011

a rough patch. and a little cosmic joke.

i made an appointment with a therapist, here in astoria.
because of late, i am finding it harder to be happy.
yesterday was my first appointment.
i find it, fitting, i suppose, that i made my therapist cry.
she cried. and then told me about her boyfriend.
who happens to have a heart condition.
and is only going to get worse, not better.
he happened to have had a stroke three days ago.
sound familiar?
why yes. yes it does.
it sounds like the last 10 years of my life.
did she cry because of what happened to her boyfriend?
did she cry because my story, about james, made her sad?
because my story did not end well and she fears her story will end the same?
who knows.
what is it about me that draws this out of people.
i support the people in my life.
and i support myself.
i have only myself to rely on.
does anyone see the cosmic joke??
that i went to a therapist to try and pull myself out of this hole i can't seem to get out of.
and instead of her helping me, i listened to HER tell me about HER boyfriend.
this therapist told me i was sent to her.
it must have been meant to happen.
why else would my husband have died of a heart condition and stroke.
since her boyfriend has a similar issue.
why else would her father's name be james.
when my husband's name was james.
why else would the therapist's father have died when she was six.
when my boys' lost their father at the ages of 4 and 7.
the therapist says it was meant to be.
i'm not so sure about that.
because i left there, yesterday, feeling WAY worse than i did before i went in.
is it because she/we dredged up all this james stuff?
is it because she asked how james died, and i told her?
the entire story.
how i took him off life support.
how i watched him turn purple. and blue. and then just stop gasping for breath.
how i held him until he died.
then gathered my things and walked out.
because i had to go tell my children that their father had died.
why do i feel so bad today??
why can't i get out of this bad place.
why can't i be more positive?
why can't i sleep.
i just sometimes long for what i no longer have.
can i have something else?
something similar, yet different but still complete?
who knows.
i just know i am in a bad place right now.
that i am oh so very tired.
that i am in charge of loving two little boys.
that i am in charge of raising them.
teaching them everything they need to know.
so i know i am in a bad place.
i recognize it.
now i can find a way out.
i keep being strong, not because i *am* strong.
but because i have no other choice.
every time i think i can't do this anymore, i do.
because i have no other choice.
i sometimes wonder if i will be eaten up by the guilt i feel at my boys having to grow up without their father.
i know i need to focus NOT on what we don't have.
but what we DO have.
if i can get all of this out, maybe i can let it go.
and focus and put my mind where it needs to be.