Thursday, October 06, 2011

three years later.

this is me. three years later.
three years ago, at this time, james was in the hospital and i was beginning to understand that he was not going to survive. in two days (three years ago) i will have made the decision to have james taken off of life support. had i known what was to come i'm not sure i could have handled it. sometimes, my mind wanders back to the moment when i told alexander his daddy died. to when i told ethan his daddy died. horrible moments. times i never wish to relive. so much has happened in three years. we road tripped. found a new place to live. sorted through 20 years of my life with james. packed it, sold it and/or gave it away. sold our house. the boys and i moved. had a small house built for us in our destination of choice. relocated the boys to new schools. moved to a place where i knew almost no one. i believe it true that you have a choice. you can either be happy. or sad. i make a conscience effort to choose happy. and i make that choice every single day. there are times, however, and perhaps always will be, when i miss james with every fiber of my being. i miss the 'us' we used to be. knowing he had my back. and i had his. knowing i had someone in this world that was just for me. our lives are good. the boys are doing well. i think james would be proud of us. i am giving myself permission, over the next couple of days, to be a little sad. to think about james. i think the thing that haunts me the most is my decision to take james off of life support. while logically i know it was the right thing to do, i still feel a huge amount of guilt from actually doing it. and i still think the hardest part about all of this has been watching my boys grow up without their father. it kills me when the boys look longingly at other families with a mother AND a father. when i am the only 'mom' at baseball, soccer, basketball, amidst all the fathers and their sons.... i am choosing to be happy. even when i have sad times. there are still nights i rock one or both of the boys to sleep because they are sad. they miss their father. but i am choosing to show the boys life can be good again. choosing to show them how to live with passion. i want them to find what they love in life. and do that thing. or things. i want them to appreciate each and every day. to take nothing for granted. i want them to find someone to share their lives with. becasue it is good. it is, the best stuff on the planet. i miss you, james. and i love you. i am sure that i always will. i am living a new life now, with new people in it. which is the way it has to be. i think you would be happy about that. because i know if i had been the one that died, i would have wanted that for you. with everything that i am. i still sometimes can't believe it's been three years. at other times, that life, you....us... seems like a lifetime ago..... just taking a few moments to remember........

16 comments:

Lisa Jane said...

Honest and beautiful. Tragedy has finally begun to show signs of healing. Moving forward with purpose and strength and courage. Continue to be brave, sweet girl. I promise it will bear the sweetest fruit you can imagine. Love and peace, Lisa

Mary said...

You are often in my thoughts... Moving forward is a good thing.... Finding happiness is a good thing ... Remembering good times is a good thing....

Chad and Amy said...

Beautiful my friend! But man! Way to bring out the ugly tears!
You're always in my thoughts and prayers and will be especially this weekend. HUGS!!!!!

Indiri @ Turning Stones said...

Some days it really doesn't seem like 3 years at all. I'm so happy for all of you that things are getting better and doing well. You are absolutely right that it's exactly what he would have wanted for you and the boys and it's good to hear you're getting it. I'll be sending many extra good thoughts your way this weekend. Hugs, Sara

Leah said...

you are beautiful! and amazing! and you know that I love you! mucho!

Carrie K said...

This made me grin big and cry silent tears...youre my hero beautiful girl...and the remembering and sad times are just a part (a neccessary part) of the healing...in my opinion...lol...of course...i might know nothing too :) love you...smooches :)

Dawn ~ BJSMomma said...

This is a beautiful post...and I really do think you are right...James would be so happy and PROUD of you. Thank you for sharing and for being "transparent"...it is a good thing!

Dawn

QuirkyGirl said...

I'm back...trying to be anyway...Findind it hard to adjust to another person. Finding it hard to focus. But here. Glad to read your words. Laughing at the irony of it all. I have the same weird ability...people will tell me the oddest most intimate details of their life. What I can't figure is why they want you to comfort THEM! good for you for seeking out another therapist...seems as if she wants you to be her's though...Is it okay if I say Craaaackpooot in singsong voice??? I've missed you...I need to say I'm sorry for dropping out...Insulating protects us but drops others. I don't know if I could've done it different. I think you understand this though.Keep on keepin on, Momma.
Rach

Anonymous said...

are you ok? miss your posts...

kiki said...

I lost my husband almost 5 years ago. We were together since I was 17, with a few years apart when I was in my 20's. We had 3 children. We were married 20 years and we lived together before that. His death was unexpected and sudden.I also ended life support. I knew it was the right thing to do. I have been strong for my children, always trying to set a good example. They are doing well. The pain of losing someone so dear never goes away. A song can bring me to tears. I cry when I'm alone. Everyone sees me as a strong person. I just happened to come upon your blog and felt as if you were writing it for me. Life can be difficult, but it is up to us whether or not we are happy. I am happy. I am thankful for all the goodness life has brought me. I have made some new friends and sometimes feel really happy. But those memories will always be with me and my husband will live forever in my heart and in our children. I wish you peace and happiness.

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