Monday, October 29, 2007
remember the child we never got to hold. a page about something that happened about four years ago around this time of year. first page i've done about this. it was good to remember. but sad. very very sad. i think about this often. but it also helped me to forget (while i was submersed in making the page). i guess i needed to make it. in case you're wondering, the child in the photograph? that's ethan. he was almost a year and a half old. this photograph just really always makes me think about this because it happened close to halloween and E is in his lamb costume on halloween day of that year.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
life's been a little crazy the last couple of days. haven't been home much. everyone (except me of course) is now in bed and already asleep!
so here you have yesterday's page and today's uber quick page. tomorrow is the last day of page a day at scrapgal. a page a day is harsh for me. it's hard to fit in the time. i like to scrap when i feel creative....and it's hard to feel creative when trying to cram in time to scrap!
anyway....in other news..stephanie herbert....you rock. seriously. you are the sweetest person ever.
on a side note.....my dad and his wife were here to stay back in july i think it was. they brought thier dog tosha. that's fine. i love animals. but tosha is very old. and can't get around well. my dad took her upstairs with him when he went to bed. in the middle of the night she needed to go outside. so my dad picked her up and carried her down the stairs. only he tripped and fell. on tosha. needless to say it was a long night in which none of us got any sleep. tosha was hurt. she could not stand on her back right leg. in the morning my dad takes his wife to her dr appt (that's why they stayd with us). then they go home. i'm afraid to ask about tosha. well last weekend james ended up at my dad's house (in california) because he was working on the plane. the annual. he had dinner with my dad and his wife. when he got back i forgot to ask him if he saw tosha and how she was. well....i finally asked him. the news was not good. tosha never recovered from the fall and my dad had tosh put down. she was 14, having a hard time....and he had her put down. which breaks my heart. i'm not sure if this is rational or not, but i somehow feel responsible for tosha's death. i want to say demise here. not sure which word is less dramatic. i want the less dramatic word. anyway....my dad sent me an email (i hadn't talked to him since he was here...we don't speak often)....he wanted to know how i was. i answered. told him i'm fine, that james told me about tosha (and only because i asked)...and i told my dad how sorry i was. no response. not sure what that means. if anything. my dad is not the best (and that is an understatement) at communication (especially if it involves conveying any and i do mean any emotion).....
now. on to one more item. i have been tagged by rebecca. i would love to play along but for whatever reason i can't get to your blog!!! just wanted you to know i'm not ignoring you!
now i'm off to watch a movie and i may go to bed early. i am wiped out! and we have another jam-packed day tomorrow (we have family in town from austin)...so it's a good jam-packed......
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
day 2 of page a day at scrapgal. i used a pic of james on the tea cups with alexander (you can't see alexander). i was looking through pics and i liked the blury, crazy feel of this one. didn't scrap it as a disney pic. scrapped it as i always do, by how i feel. and this is how i feel today.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
the thing that i want to spend my time doing.
the thing that i could be so excited about i never would want to stop doing it.
maybe that's why i'm not teaching (aside from the fact i have two small children who require my attention).
i just think that perhaps i haven't discovered my passion (aside from scrapping).
Friday, October 19, 2007
tired of doing laundry.
tired of 'have to's and should's'.
tired of feeling bored.
i shouldn't feel bored. i'm a big girl. i know how to get out and do things. problem is, i just don't feel like getting out and doing...well....anything.
and not finding.
what am i searching for?
to not feel empty so often i guess. to not feel numb.
i shouldn't feel this way.
i have the best husband on the planet.
i have healthy children.
i have a home.
life is not horrible.
it's actually pretty darn good.
so what is wrong with me.
why am i not sleeping?
why do i rarely feel excited?
last time i was excited about something was our trip to dworld. five weeks ago.
oh wait. tuesday i was excited. when ethan's in-class writing assignment was actually ledgible. it was more than that. it was abso-freakin-lutely perfect. which is rare. very rare. handwriting is very hard for him. he excels at everything else...but this one task is hard for him. very hard.
but why do i feel so lost most of the time.
and lonely. today especially.
just basically losing my mind?
now i feel better.
i can breathe.
and i can figure out what to do with the next hour until alexander wakes up.
and we have to go get E.
and i have to take the brownies and cake to school for tonight's harvest fest.
and then take E to soccer.
then back to school for the festival.
dinner? yeah. i'll eat some tomorrow.
or maybe i'll have a candy bar after everyone goes to bed.
i think that's a pretty good dinner.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
it just felt like i never stopped.
got the things i needed to get done which is good.
now. to get the cake safely to school in the morning and not splattered all over the inside of the explorer.
and to get the brownies to school without mangling them. i never think in advance that i will need a box of some sort. go figure. me...not being fully prepared or forgetting something? unheard of. yeah...that's scarcasm.
i am very tired.
and had a huge mess in the kitchen. which is now mostly cleaned up.
the boys were on meltdown mode tonight. not enough rest i guess. they are now tucked safely into their beds.
got all of the supplies i need to make the goody bags for E's october party (on the 31st). i have everything to go into them. i have everything i need to make the witch cupcakes. and the supplies for the scary ghost garland and bat garland. now just need to cut out 10 ghosts and 10 bats per child. that is 140 ghosts and 140 bats. now that's gonna take me forever. why am i sitting here and not cutting out ghosts and bats???!!! got googly eyes (240 of 'em) today). that's a lot of googly eyes. but the ghost garland and bat garland will really be cute and something i think the kids will have fun making. i would love it if E brought that home to me. which he will, of course...but i meant even if i wasn't the one in charge of the project.
going to unwind now. briefly i hope. because i really really am wiped out. and need to sleep. if only i could sleep without waking up a million bazillion times......
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
instead of chatty chattin' about what's happenng (or not happening) in my life i'll just post a LO i did today.
yes. it's a 12 x 12.
hey. i used to do them all the time.
yes. my LO has more than one pic on it.
what can i say, i'm a multi-faceted scrapper. HAAA! that's good for a giggle.
this is actually the first soccer page i've ever done. the first 'sports' kind of page for that matter. i wanted a bunch of dif pics depicting dif times in the game all on the same page.
at this particular game it rained during the last half. like really rained. for nevada that's rare. i loved it. the kids were soaked. parents were soaked. and it was fun.i wrote 'killer instinct' out onto a piece of light blue cardstock using a black sharpie. then i just cut out the letters. i wanted that bit of blue behind the black but on top of the white. there isn't even any patterned paper on this. only a MME flower. i wanted a really basic page. i wanted the pics and design of the pics to stand out and help make the LO. of course i can't complete a LO these days without some messy paint.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
and i have been failing.
he gets up and is grouchy. mean and rude to me. mean and rude to alexander.
yet he's an angel at school. go figure.
i know he's good at school because i get a citizenship report (both social and academic).
when i pick him up from school...30 seconds later...and i'm not kidding....he is rude and mean to me.
i have tried different approaches. tried ignoring this behavior. nothing seems to work.
on saturday during E's soccer game, he was ignoring the ball (which was coming right to him), and he was ignoring his coach. so i tried to get him to pay attention. his reaction? he turned around, raised his arms (and fists) at me and shook them. then he yelled at me. oh yeah. that was lovely. nothing like every parent on the field watching and then staring at me. i was coming close to my breaking point. my mother in law as at the game. james was out of town for the day....and linda (my mil) could see it in my face and hear it in my voice that i needed a break. so she took E. she was going to have two of his cousins already so she said one more would not be a problem.
of course he was good for her.
sunday rolls around. and ethan was good. all day.
and today...when i picked him up from school...he was good. NO attitude. not even when we were doing homework.
if only i could figure it out.
i could save my sanity.
i have been talking to ethan.
telling him i won't be upset if he doesn't get perfect grades on his school work. he seems very worried about that.
i tell him he can come to me with anything.
i want to have that kind of relationship with him. it's so very very important to me.
the one thing that can take me to my breaking point faster than anything...well, not really that fast....it takes a while....but it is the one thing that gets to me.....is his never-ending attitude.
sitting on the loveseat while james plays a game with the boys. i'm drinking an extra hot mocha (thanks james)...still feeling achy with a sore throat. though i definitely feel better today than i did yesterday. hoping i feel 100% tomorrow.
so ethan is sitting at the bar tonight eating ice cream.
E: do you have a boyfriend? girls have boyfriends.
me: yes. i have a boyfriend. daddy.
E: no, he's your husband.
me: well, he was my boyfriend first. now he is my husband. E, do you have a girlfriend?
E: yes. a million of 'em. i'll tell you three.
me: (laughing softly)....okay, who are they?
E: taylor, ashley and em.
cute convo. but seriously? first grade and we're already talking girlfriends??? which leads me to tell you how old i was when i first kissed a boy. second grade people. and the lucky guy's name was bruce. no clue what his last name is...lol....but he was a blonde with freckles. that, i can remember.
Friday, October 12, 2007
made this LO for galblog. it's scrapgal's design inspiration blog. new posts every M, W and F. check it out, yo.
made this page on wednesday (10.10). it's messy, lots of paint and ramblings about how difficult ethan has been lately. his constatant attitude is draining me.
you can sort of see 'black lines' around the outside of this one (below). yeah. you know the ones...they define your page online but don't really exist on the page itself. so just pretend. looking at white on white does NOT do the LO justice. it's simple. so absolutely simple. but sometimes, after making a lot of messy pages i surprise even myself and whip out a simple/clean page. same pic. one LO messy with paint, one clean.
now i'm off to go check on alexander.