pics from the weekend.

may 9-11 was the reno riverfest. reno has a white water kayak course (pretty much it runs right through the middle of downtown) and this weekend james and i went down to the river and took a couple of white water clinics. james likes to give me a lot of crap. so i gave him the finger. nicely, of course! lol.....

gearin' up. sure have to put a lot of crap on to get into cold rushing water. wet suit, booties, helmet (wouldn't wanna crack your head on a rock now wouldya), pfd, dry shirt, etc.!

my man. my main squeeze. he's the handomest. i so dig the hippy hair.

all in all it was a fun weekend. mother's day morning we took the boys down to the river and let 'em run wild for a while. then we got them some hot cocoa (because that water is friggin' cold) and took them to james' mom's house and came back for our clinic. i didn't take my camera. these three pics were taken with james' blackberry. not bad for a phone cam. after our two hour clinic we went back to james' mom's house for a little bbq. the boys were content playing in grandma's backyard. and boy were they wiped out when we got home (which was nice).

my reality check.

this is one of the bouquets of flowers i had waiting for my mom when she arrived (what was it....three weeks or so ago)? after she left i moved the arrangements downstairs and they lasted for another week. it was nice.

three quakes last night (not huge, but enough to wake us up, shake the house and scare the crap out of the dogs). luckily the boys went right back to sleep. but....it was one more night where my sleep was not peaceful. where i kept expecting to have to jump out of bed at any moment to get the boys and dogs. woke up feeling 100% completely exhausted. so did james. i mean like break down in tears for no good reason kind of exhausted. i'm really tired of feeling this way.

was supposed to meet my dad for lunch today. we agreed on 11:30. ran to costco (and hurry, hurry hurried) so we would be on time. 20 minutes after my dad was supposed to arrive i called him on his cell. he said he was 'running errands', and was completely on the other side of town (so about 30 minutes away). we waited. and waited. finally i ordered lunch for us (poor alexander had already been at the restaurant for 45 minutes). i finally called my dad back and told him we were leaving. we waited for one hour. and i will never do that again.

my dad and i don't have a great relationship. we see each other occasionally. i send him a card on his birthday and father's day, we email occasionally and we call it good. it is what it is. i have tried and tried to figure out a way to make things better. but have finally come to the realization that they just never will be better. he is who he is and i can't change that. we will never have what i consider a normal father/daughter relationship. that makes me sad, but it also frees me from spending so much energy being angry and hurt. i've just come to understand.....it is what it is.

my reality check is this. i sometimes try to imagine how i will feel when i find out that my dad has died. morbid, huh? i can probably never prepare myself for that news...but i do try to imagine how i will feel and what i will have wished i tried harder to do, to fix. i just think there comes a time when you have to let go. and i'm wondering if this is that time.

the thing that gets me the most is that alexander was expecting to have lunch with the grandpa. and that didn't happen. lesson learned i guess.

i will never understand what goes on inside his head. why he does what he does, acts the way he acts. he barely knows me. i mean, he knows me when i was itty bitty. but he doesn't know me as an adult. and he never will. he checked out when i was in the 6th grade. i have from time to time wondered how in the hell i came to be from the parents that i have. i just don't seem like either one of them. then i think wait a minute. i am more like my dad than i think. he doesn't seem able to function on certain emotional levels. and i often feel like i am socially retarded...don't do well in big crowds...suck at small talk....i'm basically a loner. which is scary. that i am so much like my dad. becasue if my relationship with my boys is anything like the relationship i have with my dad, or the relationship my dad has with my brother....just kill me now. i never want that for my boys.

and now i've gotten this out. i can move on. get over it. be done with it. at least for now.

off to work out.

couple of new paintings.

i recently opened an etsy shop. these two paintings have just been added to the shop. if you want to check it out, go here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5836515

STILL nauseous and dizzy.

purposely staying up late tonight. hoping that if i do i'll sleep through the night. we are all so exhausted. we've had earthquakes (big enough to shake the house) every night for the last four nights. like 2-3 a night. we NEED a break. we NEED sleep. so...my thinking is, if i'm tired enough...maybe i'll sleep through a smallish quake. or better yet, there won't be ANY quakes tonight! wouldn't that be nice! between the 60mph winds today, and the last quake only an hour ago?? seriously. enough already!

did this page today. just wanted to paint. trying to find my creative center again. just enjoying the process of creating, of letting some emotion onto the page.

and now i'm going to watch a movie.

i struggle with believing i am important. i know i am. that i am smart...and i'm going to say it here...for the first time ever...that i am an artist....BUT...being a sahm, i often feel that my days just don't matter, that what i do doesn't matter. yes, i take care of two children. but it often feels like i make no contribution to the world. sounds hokey. totally. but it is what it is. i am trying to place value on myself and trying really hard to be okay with placing value on myself. it's really hard for me to do.

this is the first page i have done in two months. it's pretty simple (which isn't necessarily a bad thing). i wanted the vibrant color of the cardstock, the yellow painted masking tape frame and inked up vibrant blue and brown pic to be the focal point. that and the emotion captured in the pic (and the words). i think me feeling unimportant is why it is SO important for me to do something with my art.

i'm a piece of art.

little drawing E made for me a few months ago. i just came across it. i think it's pretty cute.

trying hard not to barf. more quakes today. news conference yesterday suggested reno residents prepare for a big quake. hmmmm. feeling secure? not so much. poor oliver is going nuts. he won't leave my side (which i like)...but i feel bad for the scared pooch.

forced myself to work out today even though my energy level was next to zero. finally finding my way back to the workout routine (even though each day i have to FORCE myself to do it). today was the first time since before we went to austin that i didn't feel like i was gonna die.

going to janet and dan's tomorrow night for mexican night. margarits, i am sure, will be the highlight. how do i know this? we're bringing the tequila. that's how. i'm also baking brownies (and taking vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup for brownie sundaes) and i'm taking oatmeal butterscotch chip cookies. two very simple things but still hopefully delish.

i think yard work is in my future (for tomorrow). SUCK. i hate yard work.

have had next to no sleep. it's one thing or another. poor james...he's had even less. this work schedule thing is kicking his ass. he went in at 5am today and he's still there.

maybe going to force myself to scrap. to get over this lack of creativity thing. we'll see.

now it's time to wash two very dirty little boys.

last week kicked my ass.

last week?

oliver to the vet (which scared the crap out of him. i have the only dog who doesn't like a puppy ride). still don't know what's wrong with him.

the mess with my brother and his wife. seriously. makes my head spin.

E waking up in such pain. crying for 45 minutes. to the doctor the next morning. rushing around like a crazy person from dr. to pharmacy to school.

baking cookies for E to take to school.

baking a lopsided cake.

and then there was the other thing. the thing that made me scared, and sad, and many other things all at the same time. still not over that.....just being thankful for things the way they are....because right now it's all i can handle.

getting the house ready and all the right presents for E's bday.

still absolutely nothing making me feel creative. i WANT to scrap, paint, art journal, just sit there stupidly doing nothing because nothing seems to inspire me right now. so irritating.

whirlwind weekend. which was actually nice. so nice to spend time with MY family for a change. my mom sent me these flowers. she knew i didn't have a good week. wasn't that nice? it was just such a surprise.

i have been going to bed earlier and earlier every night. pretty soon i'll be going to bed right after the boys. makes for a less tired momma....maybe???but not really, i still feel absolutely freaking whiped out. like holy shit i am tired kind of wiped out. and also cranky because i feel so uncreative. what the F is up with that anyway?!!

i'm laughing to myself too. i was watching the housewives of new york city yesterday while james had the boys in the living room. he was like, WHAT are you watching?! he was disgusted. lol....too funny.

waiting for the washing machine dude to show up. more than likely he will show up when i leave (for 1/2 an hour) to get E from school. seriously. what do you want to bet that that's the way it goes down.

bday recap.

6:10 frickin am is what time these boys woke up! this is sawyer, kyler, E and riley. sawyer, riley and kyler are my bro's kids.

havin' fun at the bowling alley!


james and alexander watching his ball roll down the lane after james helped him. SO stinking cute!

the bday boy himself blowing out his THREE candles on his LOPSIDED cake with sawyer peeking his head in. thought i had 7 candles. guess not. oops. as for the lopsided cake? i love it. it is SO classic. this is a chocolate chocolate chip chocolate whipcream cake. i made it in a hurry. first layer should set before you put the second and third layers on. oops. heh. god how i love my kid. look at all this chocolate.

april 20, 2001

april 20, 2001. these are just a few of the things i remember from the day this amazing boy was born.

it snowed. in april. like a lot. i remember looking out the window of my hospital room and watching the big giant flakes fall out of the sky.

39 hours of labor. no epidural.

switching from the bed to the rocking chair. then back to the bed. then back to the rocking chair. always with james right there putting ice in my mouth. i didn't even have to ask. just opened my mouth. my mouth had to be numb so i could focus on that and not the pain of the contractions.

watching james catch a catnap at 5am. he was exhausted. i went into the hospital at 9:00am on a wednesday morning. E was born two days later (on friday at ten minutes to midnight).

the first time E nursed. it was for exactly 8 minutes. why do i know that? my mind....i'm good with numbers....there was a clock on the wall across from me. i still remember it vividly. i had no idea what i was doing. but we did it.

the nurses changing shifts (again) and my original nurse being very surprised i was still there with a baby on the inside instead of the outside.

taking a bath at 1am on wednesday night in the birthing center. the contractions were so strong and the hot water felt soooo good. i stayed in the tub for two hours. it was a slice of heaven.

walking the hallways with james.

holding my yet unnamed baby in my arms. just looking at him.

ethan thomas reed being given his name only minutes before we left the hospital.

happy birthday E. i all kinds of love you.

~sigh~

definitely matisse inspired with a little baroque thrown in for good measure. did a painting similar to this one a month or so ago. trying to decide what i want to do with my art.

quick to lose my temper today. being mindful of that.

did NOT sleep well last night.

perhaps time to re-prioritize things?

needing to be able to create something with ease instead of struggling through it. the struggling part is because i am so tired. my mind really is like mush.

E is sick. fell asleep at school yesterday.

alexander is now sick.

hoping they are both better by next weekend. my mom is coming, and christine and the boys. looking forward to spending some time with MY family. it does not happen often. my mom does her best to come down three times a year, but they are always short short trips. she will be here for two days. better than nothing.

does YOUR butt smell like lemons?

is eating candy/chocolate for breakfast, lunch and dinner wrong? okay, i didn't really have any for breakfast but for lunch and dinner? yeah. i did.

plan to scrap this pic at some point. IF i ever feel creative again. i'm beginning to wonder if i ever will. i sit feeling nothing. no inspiration whatsoever inside me. ~sigh~ need a weekend at the beach. alcohol. sleep. scrapping/art journaling. no kids. no hubby. i love you dear, and boys...but seriously. i can't produce anything worth a crap right now!

according to alexander my butt smells like lemons. don't even ask. well, okay...this might require a bit of explanation. he's about butt-high....likes to hug me. must be the laundry detergent. or maybe the kid's just weird.

boys are in the bath right now. james is still at work. time to go wash hair and be mommy again. my stolen 5 minutes are over!

humpf. well that was a challenge if ever i've heard one!

so here ya go.

1. Where is your cell phone? bag.
2. Your significant other? james.
3. Your hair? short.
4. Your mother? crazy.
5. Your father? heh.
6. Your favorite thing? happiness.
7. Your dream last night? that i cut james' hair. and he was pissed!
8. Your favorite drink? water.
9. Your dream/goal? happiness, health and peace.
10. The room you’re in? family room.
11. Your ex? none!
12. Your fear? james dying. my kids dying.
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? living on the coast. painting. selling some art.
14. Where were you last night? at home enjoying margaritas and pot stickers.
15. What you’re not? good in big crowds of peeps.
16. Muffins? yum.
17. One of your wish list items? to travel. extensively. thailand. london. paris. mexico. pureto rico. caribbean. china. and many more.
18. Where you grew up? california.
19. The last thing you did? painted the baseboards in E's room. i'm waiting for it to dry so i can take the tape off and move 1/2 of his bedroom back to normal.
20. What are you wearing? painting clothes. i'm scary.
21. Your TV? late at night when everyone else is asleep.
22. Your pets? callie and oliver. best dogs ever! (except for brin. he was a great dog too)
23. Your computer? laptop.
24. Your life? complicated.
25. Your mood? even-keeled.
26. Missing someone? definitely.
27. Your car? Ford Explorer. love that it seats 7.
28. Something you’re not wearing? socks. or underwear. well.....you asked!
29 Favorite Store? depends on what i want to buy.
30. Your summer? Hot and long.
31. Like someone? Yes.
32. Your favorite color? all of them.
33. When is the last time you laughed? a few minutes ago.
34. Last time you cried? yesterday.
35. Who will/would re-post this? rachael? jen??

and yes, i know, they were supposed to be one-word answers. some were. best i could do!

it's a love hate thang.

expectations.
been thinking a lot about them lately.
love this color blue. love mixing colors to get one just how i want it.
love getting messy.
love that this page took 5 minutes.
because i had no expectations. i just sat and did it. not caring what the end result would be. that's how it should always be.


on to another subject. here is part of my laundry room. you get the general idea. mixed berry (lilac-y/purple) with red shelves. it's kind of retro. and i dig it. the painting is done. things are placed neatly back where they belong. unused items are gone. the room is done. which is nice. if i decide i don't like it later.....i'll paint it again. this is the first room you come into when entering the house from the garage. i'm considering painting the door red. it's currently white. i guess i like bold statements. but i think it might just give the room the extra boost i'm looking for. i would bet you won't find many purple and red laundry rooms. and i like that. so, it's a love/hate thing. you'll either love it....or hate it!

my fave shoes.

this is me, standing in my kitchen, photographing my shoes. yes, i photographed my shoes! these are my favorite pair. black, sleek, with some stitching...pointy....does it get any better? now, on to something else and perhaps more interesting.

i don't submit regularly or often but sometimes i do. so it was a fun mail day today when i received my copies of scrapbook trends embellish idea book and goodie box. if you received the book (or bought it), check it. alexander is on page 133.

random things you may or may not want to know.

wishing i was here right now. instead of where i am. pic is from thanksgiving at caspar beach (2007). that's alexander in the background.

i love the smell of coffee. fresh roasted. fresh brewed. i just love the smell.

all i want to eat today is dark chocolate kisses, reese's peanut butter cups and caffeine free pepsi. i prefer caffeine free coke but we're all out. i've been craving soda (big time) lately.

i think i am so tired i can't sort things out. as much as i hate to do it, i'm going to go to bed early tonight. it doesn't do me any good to sit and stare at nothing while sitting at my scrap table or at a computer screen. that's not really productive, now is it.

i think denis leary has a sexy body. he's skinny but toned, muscular.

wishing i could figure out why i'm having such a difficult time with everything right now. maybe going to bed early will be good for me. i am always so damn tired. but HATE giving up my free time (which is only after the boys go to bed) to sleep. but i think if i don't do it i may never be able to produce another painting, LO or AJ page. i'm just too tired. my mind is mush.

my long haired boy.

a lot of parents don't like long hair on their kids/won't let them grow it long. me? i don't care. E is who he is and can express himself however he wants (as long as he's not in danger of hurting himself or anyone else and blah blah blah). i dig the long hair. and right now he does too. so it's all good.

why i love starbucks.

pic i took on easter. didn't take many pics at all that day but this is one.

today (3.25.08)was a hard day for alexander.

we had his four year well check appointment.

he got....count them......FIVE shots. omg. O.M.G it was hard to watch. after it was all over i took him to starbucks. of course he's a junkie like me. we went to the drive thru that's right by the pediatrician's office. he asked for hot cocoa. i got a non-fat decaf mocha misto, x-hot, no whip. my mom sent me a starbucks card for easter. i gave it to the dude but he somehow threw it away. so there we were....waiting for what seemed like forever (but in reality was probably 6 minutes), and he's periodically sticking his head out the window to explain....he ended up giving us our drinks for free and reloading a new card for me (he never found the old one). it was all good. a free drink? always a good one. lol.... i like that starbucks always takes care of the customer. i fully 100% appreciate that. i still have some of my mocha misto in the fridge for later. go me!

affirmation

i painted this friday night while everyone was in bed. i like the impressionistic quality to this piece. i've sort of been stuck lately......not scrapping, doing 'some' painting....wanting to work in my art journal but not feeling it. i have a partially complete art journal page on my table right now.....who knows when i'll finish it.

i have no objectivity when it comes to my own work (this goes for scrapping as well as painting). yes...some pieces/pages i love more than others...and those seem to be the ones other peeps like...but that's not always the case. i'm finding it hard to stand alone....to believe that i'm actually good....to believe in myself......that i can do this. i seem to need affirmation. in all honesty i don't think i suck. i like what i create. but....there always seems to be a but....i'm just not sure. for anyone reading this....i'm not saying all of this so you'll tell me i'm good....i'm just working through my doubt....my insecurity....trying to decide if i want to try and do something with my paintings. it's one thing to make an art journal page or a painting for myself. it's quite another to actually take someone's money for your work.

i think part of my recent doubt comes from the fact that until fairly recently i hadn't painted actual 'pieces' since before ethan was born. of course i've done art journal pages...and scrappged pages....but those are different. for some reason i am filled with much more doubt than i was back then. wonder why that is. i look to james for his opinion....and he's been wrapped up in work...being sick....being exhausted....i don't really feel like i'm getting much feedback. and when i told my brother i sold a painting...he was fairly surprised. i was like...dude...i don't suck!!! lol.... maybe it's just hard for him to see me as anything other than his little sister..the stay at home mom...i'm not sure. but it was unsettling! lol... so if i'm going to do this, i really DO have to stand alone, tell myself i am good enough...and do this. just not sure i'm ready.

even my mom gives me the 'it's nice dear' comments (though she rarely sees my stuff). i'm just not sure she 'gets' it. gets MY style. she's never been one to jump up and down and scream over anything....i just think the peeps closest to me would be the ones rooting the most for me....the ones supporting me. it doesn't seem to be that way. i get more from (mostly) people i have never even met IRL and whom are seeing my work over a computer. things can look different in real life. in person. so once again...i have to rely on ME to decide if my stuff is good enough. if i can do this. and if i'm going to do it....HOW i'm going to do it. i get stuck on logistics. seriously. deep inside me....where i am 100% honest with myself.....i think i can do this. i'm afraid to say it out loud. i'm afraid to put myself out there. so i'm thinking.

the scoop.

i think i am socially retarded. i absolutely 100% cannot stand the politics of life. politics in scrapbooking. politics in even the most simple task (like taking and picking up your son from school). i mean seriously. what am i, in high school again? cliques of moms picking up their kids. i don't belong anywhere. and sometimes it makes me sad. so then i withdraw. i'm good at that.

i am afraid to show anyone the real me because often times the real me is frustrated, not positive....basically a real mess. and it seems when i let the real me surface....that's when things get messed up. i find it easier to keep to myself and write here, or work in my art journal than deal with real people. kind of scary actually. i'm not a hermit...not really...just sort of. in person i am extremely shy. like painfully shy. i think people are surprised by that the most when they meet me. they expect me to be mouthy....say exactly what's on my mind. and i do....AFTER i've had a few drinks. otherwise i'm pretty quiet. because really...i just don't think i'm equipped to deal with 'friends'. i get to a certain point with a 'friend' and then it's like i quit knowing how to function. i'm not sure how much 'me' to let my 'friend' see....how much is too much....what will and won't scare the person away. what i should and shouldn't say. seriously. i am socially retarded. and i am ALWAYS editing myself before i speak. and that is making me lose myself even more. if that's possible.

i need more control over my life.

i kind of dig this pic. it's blurry. but i don't care. i think i'll be scrapping it at some point. it kind of has a 'feel' to it and i connect with that. it's like by looking at this pic of myself as an outside observer.....by separating myself and being objective....it helps me to figure things out. if i felt like scrapping at all....or art journaling at all...i'd be all set. but i don't. maybe that's not true. i have been feeling the urge to work in my art journal but the problem is it's always when i can't. it's always when i absolutely can't scrap or be creative. which is the story of my life. i'm pretty damn tired of scrapping only when everyone is asleep. of 'stealing' time to be creative. it sure would be nice just to go scrap WHEN i feel creative. what a concept. i could go steal 15 minutes right now. james has the boys downstairs. but why bother. because in 15 minutes (which is just enough time for me to get all messy and have stuff everywhere)....i'd have to clean up brushes...and myself....and go read story. soon it's beddy-bye time for the boys. and james. who's sick. but by then the creative urge will have passed. so here i sit. not scrapping. not working in my art journal.

back from texas.

one of the things we did in texas (with my MIL, my BIL, his wife, their little boy brian, our nephew matthew, james, me E and alexander was go spelunking. when will asked if we wanted to go spelunking i was like....uh....what? never heard of it. i guess that's what it's called when you go mineral cave exploring. my MIL bought the boys these hard hats. they had lights on them. the caves were dark. very very dark. so here's a cheeze ball pic from our afternoon in the caves.

the trip home was a bit of a nightmare. it took us 16 hours to get home. 16 hours! from 7am to 10:30 pm. we were supposed to go from austin to vegas. change planes in vegas and fly home. but the plane in austin had engine probs so we had to get off. and then we had to wait a few hours for another plane to be flown in. we were about three hours late taking off. that made us miss our connecting flight in vegas. so then we were re-routed to oakland. the only thing they forgot to tell us was that the flight out of oakland to reno was at 9:30 pm. they expected us to wait 7 hours in the airport for that flight. there as no flipping way i was hanging in the airport for 7 hours with my kids. they were exhausted. we tried to get on stand-by for the next available flight out of oakland. they had only ONE seat. i tried to convince my MIL go to. or our nephew matthew (he's 17). they wanted to stay with us. we ended up renting a car and driving the rest of the way home. can you say southwest airline sucks??? i can.

i'm feeling a little on the blah'd side. not sure if it's because i'm tired. i don't feel like scrapping. and i don't really feel like painting. i'm finding it's kind of nice not to be so obsessive about something, at least for a bit.

now i need to go put more laundry in the dryer (but first take the load out that's already in there). i want to get E's jacket washed for school tomorrow.

more painting.

not sure you can really see the texture here, but trust me. it's there. nice, thick paint. love that. i made a cover for one of my art journals last week. it had flowers similar to these. two of them. it was simple yet had impact. it was my art journal cover that inspired me to paint this. this is not painted from a photograph. i just saw in my mind orange flowers in a pitcher and this is how it turned out. the flowers look a little redder than they really are. they have an orange hue to them IRL.

heading off to texas early in the morning for a little family business. back in a few days.

ps. patrice, do you like THESE flowers?

sometimes i paint from a photograph.

i sometimes paint from a photograph. i took this picture about 8 years ago when james and i went to mendocino, california....one of my fave places in the world.

if you look at my last post you will see this painting as a work in progress. it's now done. i thought it would be fun to show you the photograph i painted from and the actual painting. and...uh...keep in mind when you're looking....i'm a fan of impressionism, not realism. i like it to be recognizable yet slightly different if that makes any sense. and a piece like this looks best if looked at from a distance.

a work in progress

started this a couple of days ago. haven't really had the time to work on it much. one of my favorite parts about creating a painting? when you begin and there is absolutely nothing. then all the sudden...the painting just takes shape and you get a sense of what it is going to be. looove that. you're looking at a 'first sitting' of this painting. what i mean is, this is what i got done the very first time i worked on it. hope to finish it this weekend. heh. we'll see. weekends aren't usually filled with kid-free and creative time for me.

art journal page. journaling: moments of clarity. to have purpose. to feel passionate about something. 2.26.08

this original piece was done by henri matisse in 1906. i love matisse and when i saw this...well...once something gets inside my mind, i need to paint it to get it out. so this is my rendition of matisse's 'flowers in pitcher.' and now i can create something else.

i seem to be drawn to painting right now more than scrapping...art journaling more than scrapping. and that's okay. i'm good with that.

did this today.

don't let others define you. do not compare yourself to others. stand alone. believe in yourself. even when you question your artistic abilities. what you are searching for will not be found externally. it must come from within.

this is not my original art idea. it's my original art, but i was inspired by an itty bitty avatar on 2 peas (don't even know whose it was) that looked something like long green stems and flowers. i saw the avatar, liked it (a lot) then went immediately to my table and painted/made this art journal page. so i have no idea what it was exactly i was inspired by. a painting? a photograph? no clue. but thank you whomever you are and whatever it was. sat down and whipped this out. in about 5 minutes. i freaking love it when inspo hits and you can rock it out. part of the pleasure of this page was i didn't care exactly how it turned out. it just happened. without me fretting over any of it. i just did it. that, my friends, is pure.

note: it's not as white as it looks here. i painted off-white paint onto white cardstock but none of the white shows through. so it's red/orange flowers on off-white background. ~sigh~ looks so much better IRL.

this has happened two times now.

one night i woke up. had this dream i was screaming. like a primal scary scream. i wasn't screaming, just dreaming i was. it was weird. that was about 6 weeks ago.

yesterday, in the car with james and the boys (on the way to a birthday party), it happened again. that feeling like i was about to scream. that feeling in my chest like i had something inside that absolutely needed to get out. of course while i'm feeling this way i'm carrying on perfectly normal conversation with james. so weird.

i know what it is. i have a hard time recognizing what i am feeling, reacting to it, verbalizing it and dealing with it. sometimes everything just converges at once and i feel overwhelmed, over loaded. i manage to articulate at least some of what i am feeling. then it goes away. i feel better now that i've done this art journal page. so that's good.

my thoughts on control and boredom.

control
i admit it.
i like to have control of things.
i just do.
but i'm trying to let go. at least a little bit.
it's hard for me. but i'm trying.

boredom
i find myself easily bored.
looking for something exciting to happen in my life.
something fun. to shake up the monotony (sp?) of the everyday.
i so should not complain.
in a second things can change.
i am thankful for what we have, that things are the way they are.
but i really seem to struggle with the boredom thing.
and i'm wondering what i'm going to do with E all summer.
it takes a lot of energy to keep him engaged and the boys not fighting.
it means i will have less time/energy to devote to keeping myself sane and more time/energy devoted to keeping the boys entertained and happy all summer.
just thinking about it makes me tired.
maybe i am selfish. i must be.
i love my kids. but i do think it sometimes boring being a stay att home mom. i'm lucky. but bored too. kind of an odd combination i guess. but it is what it is.

some of this and some of that.

shopping for a new vacuum. our current one is so loud alexander runs and hides. my ears hurt...almost to the point i can't hear for a while after i'm done. it's sad.

i made myself work out today. even though i really really really did not want to. know how i motivated myself? i said, "this is what distinguishes those that really want to lose weight and those that just want to talk about losing weight." and i got my ass on that machine. and it sucked. but i did it. i have been so so so so so so tired the last three days. like falling asleep on my feet tired. even been going to bed earlier than normal. not much, but some. it's a start.

think alexander is getting sick again. poor little muffin. he seems to get hit by every cold that comes within a 100 foot radius.

we'll see how ethan is today. the last two nights he's had to go to bed early for bad behavior. hoping today is better.

making quesadillas for dinner. with guacamole. i'm having fat free tortillas and fat free cheese. yum. yeah....not so much. but i will splurge and have some guacamole (avocadoes, while good for you are not good in the points dept).

it's windy and sucky outside. ick. so glad i put gas in my car yesterday so i'm not out in the wind doing it today.

spent all freaking morning shopping for groceries. many of which are still sitting on the counter. yeah. i should get on that. i've got 20 minutes until alexander gets up at which time we have to go pick up E.

i have a lot to say.

but none of which i will say.
because i'm in a mood. lol.... i'm disgruntled. good damn thing i don't work for the post office.
i will say this:
i feel like eating ice cream. but i won't. i would hate to ruin that 40 minutes of sheer torture on the machine. did i mention i hate exercise?
now i'm going to watch deadliest catch. i dig that show. gotta love netflix.
still waiting for the rest of big love. i dig that show too.

a couple of recent LOs. i think they speak for themselves.

i wish i liked exercise.

but the cold hard truth of the matter? i just don't. i hate it. unless you count me riding E's scooter in the summer while he's on his bike exercise. then i think it's okay. i need to figure out some kind of exercise regime. so today i got on the machine. i stayed on for one minute longer than i said i would. hey. i just told you i hate exercise. but i did it. i did what i said i was going to do. tomorrow i'll stay on for two minutes longer.

i've heard you're supposed to feel great after a workout. um. so not true. i'm still as tired as i was before i started. oh. i see. i'm supposed to exercise for more than 1 day? what the hell.

i jammed out to some tunes on my iPod. helped make it bearable. i won't think about doing it again tomorrow..........until tomorrow. maybe that way i'll actually do it again tomorrow.

i wish little oliver could still go on puppy walks with me. i miss our daily puppy walk. at least during the summer oliver can walk to the mailbox with me, he can hang out in the front yard some and take itty bitty puppy walks. i'm looking forward to that this summer.

playing with my new cam.

i was at a stoplight and the message on the billboard caught my eye: you have enough to worry about.

after i dropped E off at school today i actually drove around looking for cool photo op spots. these are just a couple of what i found.

oh come on. if you were four you'd wear snow boots with your shorts and short sleeved shirt too. wouldn't you.

something about this one....i just like it.

just because.

friedrich nietzsche quote i love:

the individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. if you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. but no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

just felt like painting and slapping a pic down.

needed to create something today.

journaling:
feeling exhausted. unmotivated. like i have no direction. bored? struggling to find my way with E. questioning myself. wondering....what's it gonna take to make these feelings go away. feeling overwhelmed. tired of the same thing every day yet happy to be able to stay home with the boys. looking for something. a little break from the same thing each and every day. feeling lucky. lucky to have james. and healthy children. what will it take to make this unsettled feeling go away? tired of just getting by. of just maintaining. tired of having no energy. tired of not sleeping, waking up 50 times a night. constantly strugggling and not sure how to find a way out. but i know i will.

perspective.

when life happens things get put into perspective. i'm going to focus on that during the upcoming year. in celebration of this fact i made this page. if you want to know more about this page go here.

i feel like i need some direction.

maybe i should have chosen direction as my word for 2008 instead of perspective. oh well. perspective is just as important if not more so i suppose. i'm feeling tired. and unmotivated. it's cold....like freaking cold, windy and snowing. i'm drinking what's left of my tall non-fat mocha misto x hot no whip while alexander watches yo gabba gabba.

i should be folding laundry, washing more laundry, unloading the dishwasher (cleaning up the breakfast mess), dusting (i didn't get to it yesterday), cleaning the stairs, vacuuming upstairs (haven't vacuumed the boys rooms since we took down their trees). how bad is that. there are needles on their floors. yeah. mother of the year.

what i really feel like doing is art journaling/scrapping. i feel paralyzed and afraid to make something because it must meet this standard or that standard. so instead of worrying about what product is used, or what i'm scrapping for, i just want to go make something. no rules. no worry. no 'anything' it must have or not have. what i create might be crap but at least it will be something and it might help me get passed this whatever it is that i feel like is blocking my creativity.

i must admit that i enjoy it when people see my work and they like it. given that i'm as far from a traditional scrapper as you can get, some people just don't like my stuff. and that's okay. i don't scrap for anyone but myself. i scrap to create. to remember. to document our lives. we matter. i want my children to have what i do not, and that is photographs and memories from their childhood. from time to time i just need to remind myself why i am doing this. nice comments are icing on the cake....they make me feel good....but whether there are nice comments or not does not change the quality of my pages. need to get over the praise-hoe thing, eh?

getting off the computer now...going to fold laundry and start more. instead of complaining about lack of motivation i guess i'll get off my ass and do something.

this is what we did yesterday morning.

alexander and rachel on their way down, E on his way back up.

a perfect sunny day. what better way to spend your morning? meet up with neighbors and sled. nothing better.

E taking the penguin way down.

it became known as the body bag. 'nuff said. wait. not 'nuff said. who was it that talked me into going down on a garbage bag instead of an actual sled??? thanks jan. yes, that's me flying by alexander and his little friend juliette.

okay.....whatever....i wanted to upload a pic of james speeding down the hill but blogger refuses to let me add one more photo! and i need to go do other things now. >insert truly pissed off glare here<

first LOs of 2008.

these are my two LOs for scrapgal for january. yep. still stuck on white cardstock. it had been a while since i scrapped. i feel rusty. as i sit here and type my boys are using my scrap table and are eh hem..."scrapping". oy. what a mess i will have when they are done. upswing? they are playing nicely together. it won't last. with that said, tiem to get off the 'puter.

i have learned many things.

the beginning of 2008 brings me out of the haze and craziness that was december. i love christmas, and the hustle and bustle and family time. i wouldn't trade it for the world. yet it leaves me exhausted.

christmas this year was different. and that's not a bad thing. it was just different.
christmas eve with james' family at our house.
christmas morning with james' family at our house.
christmas dinner with james' family at our house.
my mom flying in, staying one night then me driving her to my brother's house and staying one night there.
my mom and i not being together at christmas.
my mom coming to our house the day after christmas and spending the night. we had that and it was good. i am grateful for everything we had this christmas.

i really do consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet.
my kids are healthy (knock on wood).
james is a hunka hunka burnin' love with long sexy locks and is doing well health-wise. (again, knock on wood).
we have so many things. my new camera. james' new flat screen plasma. our washer is on its last legs but hey. if it works that just means i'm doing laundry and who wants to do that.
i am thankful for the time i have with my mom.

for 2008 i'm all about perspective. i hope to keep everything in perspective and just be grateful for every single thing i have and every single person in my life. that's how i am starting out 2008.

ground hog day?

i feel like today, i did exadtly what i did yesterday. gee. wonder why. oh wait. i know. because i did do exactly what i did yesterday.
get up. check.
make breakfast for the boys. check.
take a shower. check.
yell at boys to get ready for school. check.
take E to school. check.
clean microwave. check.
clean oven. check.
sweet kitchen/dining. check.
unload dishwasher. check.
put away 8 billion play doh tools and cans of play doh. check.
wash alexander's laundry. check.
wash some of james' and my laundry. check.
clean front of stainless steel fridge. check.
dust family room and living room. check.
pick up E from school. check.
pass out some of the spiced candied pecans i made for people at E's school. check.
vacuum stairs. check.
vacuum upstairs. check.
make sample ornaments for E's class. check.
cut out and assemble all materials for said ornaments (needed for thursday's party). check.
help E with homework. check.
go outside and bring in 5...yes i sais 5 big boxes from UPS. check. thanks mom. and bob and elizabeth.
make dinner? hmm. need to get on that. no clue what we'll have. better figure it out. it's 5:45.

feels like i had a busy day.

wake up. check. but trust me i so did not want to get out of bed today.
make breakfast for boys. check.
shower. check.
yell at boys so they get dressed, brush their teeth, and finish getting ready for school.
take E to school. check.
talk to his teacher about the christmas party i am planning for his class. check.
go buy couple more gifts. check.
buy everything i need for ornaments at E's party. check.
buy everything i need for making and decorating 15 gingerbread houses. check.
tear apart E's bed and wash everything. check.
put E's bed back together. check.
feed alexander and me some lunchie munchie. check.
tear apart our bed and was everything. check.
put our bed back together. check.
clean boys' bathroom. check. it was so gross. i'm such a bad mom.
wash all the towels in boys' bathroom. check.
pick up E from school. check.
talk to his teacher again. check.
go to REI to buy gift. check. yay. one of the hardest peeps to buy for is now taken care of.
make dinner. check.
start more regular laundry, i.e., not bedding or towels. check.
unload dishwasher and do breakfast dishes. check.
vacuum downstairs. check. note to self. buy new vacuum. our sucks ass. well...it doesn't really suck. that's the problem.
go to target. NO check. waiting for james to get home so i can leave the little angels here. what. why was i gone for five hours???? lol...hmmm....i got lost. yeah. that's it.
wrap remaining items (will do tonight after munchkins are in bed).
now off to finish and serve up dinner. check.