i painted this friday night while everyone was in bed. i like the impressionistic quality to this piece. i've sort of been stuck lately......not scrapping, doing 'some' painting....wanting to work in my art journal but not feeling it. i have a partially complete art journal page on my table right now.....who knows when i'll finish it.
i have no objectivity when it comes to my own work (this goes for scrapping as well as painting). yes...some pieces/pages i love more than others...and those seem to be the ones other peeps like...but that's not always the case. i'm finding it hard to stand alone....to believe that i'm actually good....to believe in myself......that i can do this. i seem to need affirmation. in all honesty i don't think i suck. i like what i create. but....there always seems to be a but....i'm just not sure. for anyone reading this....i'm not saying all of this so you'll tell me i'm good....i'm just working through my doubt....my insecurity....trying to decide if i want to try and do something with my paintings. it's one thing to make an art journal page or a painting for myself. it's quite another to actually take someone's money for your work.
i think part of my recent doubt comes from the fact that until fairly recently i hadn't painted actual 'pieces' since before ethan was born. of course i've done art journal pages...and scrappged pages....but those are different. for some reason i am filled with much more doubt than i was back then. wonder why that is. i look to james for his opinion....and he's been wrapped up in work...being sick....being exhausted....i don't really feel like i'm getting much feedback. and when i told my brother i sold a painting...he was fairly surprised. i was like...dude...i don't suck!!! lol.... maybe it's just hard for him to see me as anything other than his little sister..the stay at home mom...i'm not sure. but it was unsettling! lol... so if i'm going to do this, i really DO have to stand alone, tell myself i am good enough...and do this. just not sure i'm ready.
even my mom gives me the 'it's nice dear' comments (though she rarely sees my stuff). i'm just not sure she 'gets' it. gets MY style. she's never been one to jump up and down and scream over anything....i just think the peeps closest to me would be the ones rooting the most for me....the ones supporting me. it doesn't seem to be that way. i get more from (mostly) people i have never even met IRL and whom are seeing my work over a computer. things can look different in real life. in person. so once again...i have to rely on ME to decide if my stuff is good enough. if i can do this. and if i'm going to do it....HOW i'm going to do it. i get stuck on logistics. seriously. deep inside me....where i am 100% honest with myself.....i think i can do this. i'm afraid to say it out loud. i'm afraid to put myself out there. so i'm thinking.