Thursday, May 08, 2008

my reality check.

this is one of the bouquets of flowers i had waiting for my mom when she arrived (what was it....three weeks or so ago)? after she left i moved the arrangements downstairs and they lasted for another week. it was nice.

three quakes last night (not huge, but enough to wake us up, shake the house and scare the crap out of the dogs). luckily the boys went right back to sleep. was one more night where my sleep was not peaceful. where i kept expecting to have to jump out of bed at any moment to get the boys and dogs. woke up feeling 100% completely exhausted. so did james. i mean like break down in tears for no good reason kind of exhausted. i'm really tired of feeling this way.

was supposed to meet my dad for lunch today. we agreed on 11:30. ran to costco (and hurry, hurry hurried) so we would be on time. 20 minutes after my dad was supposed to arrive i called him on his cell. he said he was 'running errands', and was completely on the other side of town (so about 30 minutes away). we waited. and waited. finally i ordered lunch for us (poor alexander had already been at the restaurant for 45 minutes). i finally called my dad back and told him we were leaving. we waited for one hour. and i will never do that again.

my dad and i don't have a great relationship. we see each other occasionally. i send him a card on his birthday and father's day, we email occasionally and we call it good. it is what it is. i have tried and tried to figure out a way to make things better. but have finally come to the realization that they just never will be better. he is who he is and i can't change that. we will never have what i consider a normal father/daughter relationship. that makes me sad, but it also frees me from spending so much energy being angry and hurt. i've just come to is what it is.

my reality check is this. i sometimes try to imagine how i will feel when i find out that my dad has died. morbid, huh? i can probably never prepare myself for that news...but i do try to imagine how i will feel and what i will have wished i tried harder to do, to fix. i just think there comes a time when you have to let go. and i'm wondering if this is that time.

the thing that gets me the most is that alexander was expecting to have lunch with the grandpa. and that didn't happen. lesson learned i guess.

i will never understand what goes on inside his head. why he does what he does, acts the way he acts. he barely knows me. i mean, he knows me when i was itty bitty. but he doesn't know me as an adult. and he never will. he checked out when i was in the 6th grade. i have from time to time wondered how in the hell i came to be from the parents that i have. i just don't seem like either one of them. then i think wait a minute. i am more like my dad than i think. he doesn't seem able to function on certain emotional levels. and i often feel like i am socially retarded...don't do well in big crowds...suck at small talk....i'm basically a loner. which is scary. that i am so much like my dad. becasue if my relationship with my boys is anything like the relationship i have with my dad, or the relationship my dad has with my brother....just kill me now. i never want that for my boys.

and now i've gotten this out. i can move on. get over it. be done with it. at least for now.

off to work out.


Patrice~ said...

reality issues suck.
you're in touch.
he isn't.
your actions as you
raise and nurture your
boys will speak volumes
as to who you are.
your boys are destined
to be great and strong.
like their mother.
like their father.
like their parents together.
breathe. exhale. sit down.

Lea L. said...

I completely understand where you are coming from Kimberly. I only see my dad when there are big family functions that we both attend, and I prefer it that way. I am lucky because I have a wonderful step dad who has always been more like my real dad anyways. It isn't morbid to think about how you will feel when you find out they have passed. I think about it on occasion too. I really feel nothing for my I worry that I will seem callous and cold in my reaction. I worry that it will be expected of me to mourn, and be upset... when the truth is I have already mourned him in my own way, even though he is living.

Stuff like this is hard, but you have to do what is best for yourself and your family. You are taking control of that...which is to be commended. HUGS Kimberly!


~Amie~ said...

HUGS to you Kimberly!
You are a strong, wise chick! Hang in there.
If it makes you feel better, I think I could have written a LOT of your post about your father too. I'll be thinking of ya! Happy Mother's Day! :)

Anonymous said...

Hugs Kimberly!! I really don't know what to say!

You're really and strong woman! and I admire your honestly!

Regards, Gaby

Lisa said...

You know I think it is a HUGE thing for you to see some of your shared personality traits with your father.

But I also think that self realization is EXACTLY why you are NOT like him as a parent.

Nor will you ever be.

Your children are blessed with a mother who truly cares about them as individuals and isin't afraid to deal with the messy crappy part of this day to day stuff we call living.

I'm sorry Alexander was disaapointed.

But you know what, you've made the choice to mitigate that disappointment in the future. He's a strong kid and will bounce back just fine.

Just like his momma!