a letter.

14 months later, i want you to know i still miss you each and every day.
i am doing my absolute best with the boys.
some days i feel like a complete and total failure as a parent.
some days i don't.
E is constantly pushing me.
just when i don't think i can take any more, he either senses it...or i'm not even sure but he somehow magically snaps back into the adorable and caring little boy i know he can be.
today, for the FIRST time, he told me he was sorry for something he had done.
i almost felt like he understands that you HAVE to take responsibility for your actions.
not so sure though. because this has been a hard lesson for E. i've taught it over and over and over again. sometimes i have felt like i've been slamming my head against a wall, that he will never, ever get it. then...today...wham. maybe it's a first step. god i hope so. because he HAS to understand.
alexander, too, is trying to find his way.
form some independence.
which is sad for me.
it sort of shocks me, actually. i guess i should have expected it. i guess i wasn't prepared.
the boys miss you so much.
they talk about you, alexander more than ethan, though as more time passes E talks about you a bit more. when you first died, he totally and completely shut down. i see him, beginning to talk about certain memories he has of you, of us....it's a good thing. but i see it also makes him sad.
all of the decisions i have made, i have made with the boys' best interest in mind. their best interest and MY sanity.
i want you to know i love living in astoria.
i asked the boys the other night, each individually, if they like it here.
alexander does. he seems content.
ethan says he likes it, however, his answer was slightly reserved.
i think he misses you, and equates you to reno, and our old house and is still mad at me for taking him away from 'you', if that makes any sense.
a week or so ago the boys and i were sitting at the table.
alexander said to me, 'i want things back the way they were. i want daddy back. i want our house back. i want everything back the way it was.' it of course, made me really sad. becasue i feel guilty for uprooting them. i needed to do it. i couldn't live there anymore. but i know my decision was hard on them. for them. and they aren't over it.
i know that i am lucky.
lucky that i can have a house built for us.
i also feel the stress.
the stress of being a single parent.
of making every single decision for all of us.
once the virus attacked your heart, our lives changed. not to say i wouldn't do it all over again with you, because i would. i wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.
some days i think of you and am happy.
other days, i am sad beyond words. because i miss you and i'm not sure i can do this.
wait. that's not right. i know i can do this. i'm just not sure if i can do it well.
i worry, a lot, about fucking up the boys.
i miss having you here.
to talk to. with.
to tell me it's all going to be okay.
you filled in all those little gaps and spaces that needed filling.
i don't know how else to say it except you and i just went together.
we belonged together.
and my insomnia.....it's back.
when you died it came back with a mother fucking vengence.
it went away for a while.
but it's back.
i should find a new therapist dude.
i just haven't.
there are many things i should do.
and haven't.
on christmas day when i had to talk to that person, my body shook.
the entire time.
i did my part and let the boys talk to them.
i know i need to let my anger about this particular subject go.
but i'm not entirely there yet.
i want you to know that you had some good friends.
vish, for one.
a year later, he sent the boys something for christmas.
he did not forget that there are two little boys out there, missing their father.
and THAT is way way way beyond amazing.
and someone has been a secret santa to the boys. got something in the mail for them yesterday. no return address. but i have my suspicians about who it is.
some days feel normal.
others, well...they just don't.
i really truly do miss you more than i can say.
i haven't painted.
i want to.
i need to.
i may have to just fucking force it again.
i have to find a way to get over not wanting to paint when the boys are around.
because the boys are ALWAYS around.
unless they're in school (and that's a short period of time for zan).
i have to get over the mental block and just fucking blow through this shit.
i think now that more time has passed since you died, i am starting to process more.
it's come and gone for me.
i think that's the only way i've been able to function. when it gets to be too much my mind just shuts it down.
and lately, it's been letting more get through. not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.
i feel like crap, because i miss you, and i know many people expect me to be 'over' it and fine and perfectly happy at this point. but that's not how it works. for me anyway.
i think i am only allowed to process a bit at a time because if it were otherwise i really truly would just shut the fuck down. completely.
so maybe, when it all works its way to the top, just enough gets out. and then it starts all over again. i really do try hard, though, to make it all go away. because i want to feel normal again.
i love you.
and i miss you.
i am doing my best with our boys.

peace out, yo.

took callie for a walk at the beach yesterday.
more often than not, less is more.

jan sent me a card yesterday.
these are her words:

you're such a mixture.
cookie baker, mother, protector, rebel, artist, creator, dissatisfied seeker.

i won't post all of what she said. they are, after all, her words, not mine.
they are a personal exchange and i haven't asked her permission. i'm certain the part i posted she would be okay with.
but what she said to me?? she is right mother fucking on. she wants me to want to do things again. and sometimes i want to. sometimes i even do.
we all make choices then live with the consequences.
having an extremely difficult time with both of the boys right now.
usually it's just E.
i'm sort of shocked at the behavior i have seen out of alexander the last two days.
and i'm sad about it.
turns out, one of the hardest lessons for my boys to understand is taking responsibility for their actions. that was something james spent much time on with E. and he still doesn't get it.
i feel at a loss.
not sure what to do, exactly.
i need to find another therapist dude.
just haven't felt like it.

this year.

for santa:
sugar cookies, a glass of milk AND a poster made by E. he wanted santa to have something special.
for the reindeer:
leafy carrots and a bowl of water.
the roses were sent to me by my mom.
she is at my brother's this year for christmas.
perhaps missing all of us being together.
this year it is just me and the boys.
no family.
no friends.
just us.
the boys have been meticulously counting down the days until christmas. E drew a picture of a christmas tree AND a picture of me at the bottom. you can tell it's me. right? because of the spikey hair?!

today:
christmas eve walk on the beach with callie.
made and baked sugar cookies with the boys which they decorated.
bought carrots for the reindeer. (a must have according to E).
watched the video clip santa sent for each of the boys.
let me tell you.
E was one nervous little boy waiting to find out if he made the 'nice' list.
the kid was sweating.
he should have been.
tonight:
sitting by the lights of the trees.
watching a movie.
waiting for the boys to fall asleep.
so i can get the boys' santa gifts set up and in front of the real tree.
and fill our stockings.
if only i could take a hot bath. i so would.
going to bed early.
because you KNOW my early risers (how did that even happen when i am a night owl) will be up EXTRA early tomorrow.
sad? maybe, a bit.
it's different. not really good, or bad. just different.
i knew moving would force me to stand up, and handle what came along.
by myself.
it's a good thing.

an art journal page.

i haven't art journaled in 3 years.
until today.
took this photo with my iPhone in october.
i look like shit.
and it was shocking to me when i saw the photo.
i have admittedly abused my body over the last year.
not sleeping.
not eating right.
not eating at all.
or eating nothing but candy bars and drinking coke.
or the months that i drank red bull hardcore.
drinking more alcohol than i ever have before.
and the other things i've done.
that i don't care to mention.
i still abuse my body.
on a daily basis.
i am aware of it.
it doesn't seem to be something i can stop.
i know it's part of me dealing with james' death.
it's part of my i don't give a fuck attitude.
if it weren't for the boys i would have done way stupider things than just what i've done.
but i always remember.
i told james i would care for our boys.
raise them the way we intended.
it was nice to art journal.
page happened in 5 minutes.
it practically did itself.
wonder how long it will be before i art journal again.

things i like.

real tree that smells good.
















charlie brown tree.

i am over the christmas thing. the boys are not. so there ya have it. two trees. BOTH of which are in the small living room in the rental.

things i like:
sleeping.
coffee.
unexpected surprises.
nice people.
thoughtfulness.
the way it smells here.
boats.
people that make me laugh.
books (art, art history, boats and on and on).
letting go and being 'in' the moment.
if your life sucks, or parts of it anyway, let go and when good things happen...let 'em roll.
i especially like it when karma comes back around and bites someone in the ass. just sayin'. it's just.
my newest thing: obsession with home decorating mags.
i'm sure i'll be over it once i move into our house.
the signs of bonding i see between the boys.
yes, they fight. a lot.
but they do have their moments of kindness where the love shows through (though E would never admit it).
the freedom you get from shutting the shit down and walking away.
yes, it's there in the end. but you did get a nice little break. sweet.

apparently....

apparently my way of dealing with things is to pretty much NOT deal with them.
i get a flip attitude.
an i don't give a fuck attitude.
i do whatever it is i want to do that makes me forget.
i realized today, when i was oh so angry with ethan, that this angry person is not who i want to be.
taking care of the boys is swallowing me up.
it is no secret i struggle with being a mother.
i struggle with the amount of time and energy it takes.
with the constant-ness of it.
is that even a word?
if it isn't, it should be.
sometimes it really feels like it sucks the life right out of me.
and before you go gettin all up in my face about i'm lucky to have kids and blah blah blah....
yeah. i get that.
part of me is all about it.
the other part of me....not so much.
i was talking to one of the dudes building our house the other day.
he has 5 kids.
he's been married for 26 years.
when he met his wife she was pregnant (not by him) at 16 years old.
he loved her.
and took on another man's child.
they built a life together and had children together.
i told him his was a pretty amazing story.
that there aren't a lot of men who would do that.
he looked at me and said, 'it wasn't the kid's fault'.
he raised that child as one of his own.
why am i telling you that story?
to remind myself.
it's not ethan's fault his father died.
it's not alexander's fault either.
and they deserve better than i have been giving them.
E yelled at me tonight, 'why don't you just kick me out?!'
i calmly told him i will never ever do that.
that i love him.
that i will always be here for him.
but he has to understand he cannot continue to push me.
being so angry and disrespectful.
today was not my best day.
along with all of this alexander had his christmas recital at school tonight.
i loved watching him up on stage.
but at the same time, it made me so so sad.
because james just ate that shit up.
he LOVED being there for the boys.
going to their school functions, games....and everything else.
so it was glaringly huge tonight to me, that james wasn't there to see alexander up on stage.
and, as i've said a million times before, that is the saddest part about james' death.
that my boys, at such a young age, have to grow up without their father.
i watched as they looked longingly at other 'families' with a mom and a dad.
i had to turn away and breathe.
and dude.
i am mother fucking sick of that shit.

i am a firm believer.

i am a firm believer in appreciating what you have, when/while you have it.
do what you want.
sometimes that's hard.
do it anyway.
i am a firm believer in karma.
what goes around comes around.
there are a lot of assholes in this world. just sayin.
treat people well.
we soak up the energy of those around us.
most of my emotion remains inside.
you won't see it on my face.
usually.
i laugh, and smile....
but the real emotion.....i prefer to keep it deep inside.
but sometimes emotion escapes.
mostly it's when i'm tired, frustrated....and i have just absolutely had fucking enough.
i still haven't learned how to answer the inevitable question.
and what does your husband do?
and....your husband...is....where?
no one expects you to say he's dead.
pretty much everyone assumes you're divorced.
clearly they don't know me very well.
i'm not a negative person.
i sometimes wish i was able to show more emotion on the outside, instead of just feeling it all on the inside and dealing with it 'later'.
it builds up.
and grabs hold of me at inopportune times.
which pisses me off.
death is a beautiful part of life?
i'm not buyin' it.
i am not over it.
sometimes it feels as if i am living my life with a great big hole in it.
i am afraid.
i am lucky and i fully realize this.
and i absolutely try to never take anything for granted.
i am hoping one day to get my shit together.
to be able to paint again.
to be be less afraid again.
and i am trying my mother fucking best not to be sad right now.
to make this a good christmas for the boys.
we (the three of us)....we are enough.
we are all we have.
and we are enough.
when i decided to move here, i knew it would go one of two ways.
either the boys and i will be super duper close...or....uh....yeah. we won't.
because they are all i have.
and i am all they have.

i never claimed to be a good mom.

for many years i did not want to have children.
james didn't either.
then, somehow, (and at the same time i might add), we both decided we wanted kids.
i am not your typical mom.
i hate playing games with my kids.
i am ferociously protective of my kids.
if i don't know you, do NOT fuck with my kids.
but there are things i have noticed that other moms love to do, that i do not.
whatever.
being a mother is a constant struggle for me.
on one hand, i love my boys more than anything.
on the other, for so many years, i put everything into them, being here for them.
and it sort of sucked the life out of me.
that was part of the reason for my trip to thailand.
to get away.
not be a mom.
to hang with my girl peeps.
to paint, create and make blissful art....
and then, of course, right before i was scheduled to leave, james died.
that, of course, changed my perspective on life.
all the things i 'thought' were making my life so difficult...yeah. whatever.
those things suddenly became no big deal.
my boys once again became 100% the focus of my life (they needed so so so so much from me after james died). and they still do.
so now....about a year later....i once again find myself struggling with being a mom and then still finding time to just be me.
finding time to focus on something else.
to seriously just NOT be a mom, worrying about two little boys.....making sure they have what they need. and let me tell you. they need a lot.
kids are constant non-stop never-ending care, love, support blah blah blah.
i am feeling a little burned out.
and i'm kinda pissed at myself because now i want a real tree.
but i really really really don't feel like buying one, dragging it home and decorating it.
but then i worry that maybe i'm taking away from the joy and happiness the boys feel over christmas.
can you say neurosis??
i am so damn tired.
so fucking low on energy.
so fucking sad sometimes.
really happy at other times.
i know, as a single mom, i will never ever find any kind of balance.
i guess i should just give in to that and let it roll.
maybe that will help my perspective!

my house.

we are still scheduled to move in mid-march. looking forward to it. having a really really hard time living in the rental house. partly because we are living half packed/half unpacked. can't make the rental 'ours' because, well...it's not ours.

making a hundred million trillion house decisions. it's overwhelming. i am not complaining. i realize i am lucky i can do this. i just never realized exactly how much i relied on james for these kinds of decisions.

put up a cheesy white christmas tree. wanted something different this year though it really made me miss the smell of a real tree. went all martha stewart on it. silver and turquoise blue ornaments. a silver fairy/angel on top. it will be a small christmas for us. a different christmas. since i moved away from everyone, no one is coming here and we aren't going anywhere. it will be hard for the boys (they are used to mass chaos) and being surrounded by family. but it is what it is. this time of year makes me miss james even more, if that's even possible.

appreciating where i live. loving it. not loving being a single parent. but whatever. don't have any choice in the matter. crabbing season opened here a few days ago. i went to the beach the other day and watched the sun set. today i ate crab until i could barely move. gotta love that.

sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked up. back to waking up at 3am. or 4am. or 5am. and waking up a hundred times a night. a bit of sleep is a rare commodity. something i am grateful for when it happens. i try really really hard not to take anything for granted. smells, the way something feels....an hour or two of sleep....how blue the sky is....the fact it hasn't rained in a week. i love the rain. but even so, have learned to appreciate the blue sky (much more than i ever did) before i moved here.

really looking forward to being in our own house again. to making it ours. i like going over there, and watching the progress. the boys do too. doing that has helped make it feel like home even before we've moved in.

back to the christmas thing. it just doesn't feel like christmas. mostly because i am over it. only doing it for the boys. i have 100% totally and completely lost my joy and happiness for this time of year (which is sad because it used to be my favorite time of the year). went and bought a wreath so i could have the smell of a tree. thought it would help. but...uh....yeah. no. didn't help. love the smell....but i still am just over the christmas thing. related to being in the rental, too, i think. it just doesn't feel like christmas because the rental just doesn't feel like home. hard to not love the house you're living in while at the same loving the place you live.

time warp.

i haven't blogged in two weeks?!
unheard of.
but i haven't felt like it.
seriously not sure where the last two weeks went.
yesterday was alexander's birthday.
he turned 6.
he said the only thing that could have made his day better is if his daddy was still alive.
i have had this feeling.
a bad feeling.
and it just won't go away.
i often felt this way over the 10 years james was sick.
it meant he was getting worse.
it meant something bad was going to happen.
yes. i really truly do trust my instincts.
so this way i've been feeling......
it makes me uneasy.
i'm not sure why i'm feeling this way.
could be the 'i fucking can't sleep' thing is back and maybe i'm just ultra sensitive to life.
or.....uh....yeah. that feeling, it just won't. go away.
i wake up a million fucking times.
AND...yeah....there's an and. AND...i wake up at 5am. no alarm required.
i just fucken wake up.
there are things i miss.
when i think about them i can't breathe.
if i don't think about them i am fine.

kindergarten art.

my first art lesson is now up on the wall outside alexander's classroom.
kid artwork is pure.
went in today for alexander's parent teacher conference.
it was my intent to leave james' death as much as possible, out of our new life.
that's an odd sentence, i know.
his death never goes completely away.
i am always trying to find balance between me moving on with my life, yet still actively helping the boys remember their father and what/who he was and what he would want for them.
so it was a bit of a surprise to me today when jennifer (alexander's teacher) told me that alexander told her yesterday that his dad died.
the subject came up becuse they were talking about some dad-related thing/project in class. alexander matter of factly told her that this did not apply to him because he doesn't have a dad. that a virus attacked his dad's heart and he died.
i thanked her for telling me what alexander said.
i asked her to let me know of any other things she might over hear/discussions alexander might have involving his father and his death.
i maintained my composure.
kept my voice even.
finished the conference.
the boys were with me, of course.
we got in the car and i drove to the river.
left the boys in the car (it was raining).
i walked.
i needed a moment.
i have said this all along.
the saddest part of james dying was the boys losing their father.
they are still so so so young.
what they have had to go through (and what they have lost) breaks my heart.
it's just not fair.
i will never ever understand it.

opoipo

alexander at the astoria coffee house.
a place i sometimes take the boys for a cookie and hot cocoa.
my dad had a heart attack and is in intensive care.
i am where i want to be (meaning astoria). i love it here.
but i do feel far away from everyone i know. duh. i am far away from everyone i know.
i miss having someone to take care of me.
not take care of me in the sense i can't do shit on my own.
that's not what i mean.
i mean.....someone who gives a crap if my day sucked.
someone to listen to me.
someone who will hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.
someone who just genuinely cares about me.
and gives a crap if i am upset about something.
someone who takes an interest in me.
what i think.
what i have to say.
i can do the single parent thing.
i've been doing it for a year.
but i've gotta say, the boys suck the life right out of me.
being a parent is demanding.
nonstop support.
answering nonstop questions.
easing their fears.
making sure they know how much you love them.
that you WILL be there for them.
because they are afraid you will leave them like their father did.
they go to YOU for everything. because you are all they have.
and i can't seem to figure out how to recharge myself.
having some weird-ass dreams about james.
WHEN i sleep.
go to bed exhausted.
wake up exhausted.
my frame of mine is better here. no doubt about that.
i knew i would be presented with new issues.
like the isolation thing.
the hurt i feel about losing my relationship with jan.
it's not the same. not even close.
today (and yesterday) my emotions are very close to the top.
so not where i want them.
this is the point where i get pissed off that this shit just never goes away.
and then i do things.
that i shouldn't do.
at least that's my tendency.
trying to maintain.
really really missing james.
a little pissed off.
there are good things out there in life.
i am not going to settle.
don't know what it is i want yet.
but i do fucking know i will not settle for less than what it is.
i will not apologize for who or what i am.

wtf.

blogger won't let me upload a photo. fuck.
over the last week or so i've noticed myself changing.
becoming afraid.
afraid to say what's on my mind.
afraid to do what i want. when i want. how i want.
wtf.
it's almost like i am afraid to become vested in this new place.
i feel excited (when up at the house, among other times).
i want to scream out the things that before all this crap happened, i would have had no problem doing.
but something is stopping me.
i fucking need therapist dude.
i am getting mother fucking pissed at not being able to paint.
being in the classroom today, generating excitement about painting, watching all those kids paint. it was pure.
i need that back.
what the fuck do i have to do to get it.

here ya go H!

photo taken 10.27.09.
i look tired.
oh. maybe that's because i am.
fucking tired.
sleep issues are semi back.
if they ever went away.
i am happy here.
well, i can be.
i'm actually a little afraid of being happy.
because i know the flip side of that.
i have tried damn hard not to let james' death make me afraid.
but it has.
every once in a while i start to feel good. a little bit happy.
and it scares the shit out of me.
not because i don't want to be happy. i do.
i guess because it reminds me of how i used to live life.
pretty much at full throttle.
it reminds me of what i used to have.
that i used to feel emotion sooo deeply.
i still feel emotion deeply, but it used to be happy emotion (for the most part).
but then that changed.
i've been trying to protect myself. and the boys.
i guess i'm not ready to stop doing that.

things i've noticed.

this is jason. my builder. he will also be my neighbor. see that house up in the top right corner? that's his house. i love jason's demeanor. he is chill. easy-going. he used to own a boat and crab fish. nice. i dig that shit. boats, any dude with a boat.....fishermen...,pretty much any fucken dude in the coast guard....don't know why i just eat that shit up.

spent about an hour with jason today up at the house. made some decisions about windows and other exterior wall issues. made some changes to the flooring downstairs. it was totally effin cool to see what they've done to the house in the last couple of days. when i go back tomorrow at 11am (another meeting with jason), the entire second level should have been framed. right fucken on.

i have noticed:
there are some huge ass spiders here. ICK. i hate spiders.
the principal of E's school stands outside EVERY SINGLE MORNING and greets the kids as they come off the buses and/or are dropped off by their parents. that's way cool. a principal that actually knows the kids, and they know him. concept. wasn't that way in reno.
coffee is big here. everyone drinks coffee! and not just in the morning but all fucken day long. guess i'll fit right in here.
it smells so good here. i want to fully appreciate that every fucking time i go outside. i never want to take that for granted.

the beach where the shipwreck is.....at first i wasn't that crazy about that beach. now? can't fucking get enough of it. i love it. still think i like the other beach in long beach (i think it's long beach)....it has so much character. but the shipwreck beach...i like it too.

getting ready to teach my first art lesson on thursday. holy crap. other than planning the occasional lame-o school party, i haven't 'officially' been in the classroom for 8 years now!! did i mention kindergarteners have the attention spans of ants? yeah. should be interesting. fun, i'm sure. but i'm not even sure, exactly, why i've been asked to do this. if i can get one kid to express himself/herself, to 'click' in some way with art....to remember something, ANYTHING about art in kindergarten, that will rock my world. i really really really want to touch these kids.....help them learn just one thing. all it takes is ONE thing to stick with them for a lifetime.

when you have a hangover, do not go to DMV.

been spending way more time at the beach than i should.
mostly to keep my sanity.
took callie (the dog) for her first time ever to the ocean this weekend.
she loved it.
the boys and i went for a long-ass walk on the beach on sunday.
callie came too.
nice break in the weather.
sundress over long sleeves, over jeans.
no jacket required.
perfect.
been trying for days to go to DMV to take my test so i can get my oregon driver's license and register my car.
today was not the day for that.
do NOT go to DMV to try to get your license when you have a hangover. just sayin.
woke up this morning (after not much sleep) and wasn't sure if i was still drunk or just mother fucking tired with a hangover.
spent some time with dale this morning.
he's the handyman that comes with the rental house.
that was nice.
he is now 'my' handyman (when we move into the new house) he will come and do whatever i need him to. lol...my mind is apparently in the gutter because that sounded dirty to me. ;-) okay...clearly i need to go to bed!!
talked to jan yesterday. a few times.
and today.
nice. and needed.
without her in my daily life i feel a huge void.
and that just sucks.
we are both having a hard time adjusting to not being close to each other.
it felt semi-normal talking to her today. like we weren't so far apart.
i need more of that.
going to be teaching a one hour art lesson in alexander's class once a week from now on.
should be interesting.
getting my shit together to start this week.
it's been so long since i taught i hope i can get it together.

fuck you.

got my nose pierced a few weeks ago. photos courtesy of jan (using my iPhone). they stick this pipe thing inside your nose so the needle doesn't pierce more than what you want pierced.

the chick brought the needle through and i literally wanted to beat the crap out of her. it fucking hurt. only for about 60 seconds, or so, but during that minute or two, while she cleaned up the blood on the inside of my nose, and while she clipped and bent the end of the stud, it really fucking hurt. after she quit fucking with it, it pretty much quit hurting.

jan and i were going to get tattoos together. we used to walk together a lot. she's taller than me. a lot taller. so when we would walk i would walk on the sidewalk and she would walk in the street. so i was usually on the left of her. i was going to get a tat on my right arm that said 'fuck'. she was going to get a tat on her left arm that said 'you'. we found this very amusing. but hey. that's just us. of course, once i knew i was moving, it didn't really make sense anymore. no one would get it.

having a harder time than i thought i would adjusting to living here. a big part of it is leaving everyone i know. another big part of it is living in someone else's house (while our house is being built). i don't really feel truly 'at home' in the rental house. doing my best not to let the boys sense this is how i feel because i want them to feel 'at home'.

wasn't truly prepared for the amount of isolation i would feel. another part of me having a hard time adjusting, is alexander going to kindergarten. i am so used to having him home that it feels extra strange to have three hours without him in the morning. AND he's decided to ride the bus home. so trippy. instead of driving to pick him up i walk over and pick him up as he gets off the bus. school starts really damn early here too. and i am so NOT a morning person. all these little things...so it's taking me a bit to adjust. i do love it here.....the ocean, the smells, the sounds...all amazing. i just still sometimes can't believe we moved. once i decided where i wanted to live, it all happened pretty damn fast. that's just pretty much how i roll. decisions are made on instinct and once i make up my mind, i can make things happen. course didn't hurt to have direction from therapist dude. i miss him.

unpacked and organized the itty bitty loft today. found my roll of canvas, brushes, paint, gesso and stretcher bars. got my work table and easel set up. motivating to paint. unfortunately i think i'm going to have to once again try to force some inspiration. maybe once i start it'll just flow. it could happen.

parting words.

self-portrait taken with my iPhone while driving to astoria (on moving day).

every couple of days the boys and i go to the property and look and see what's been done on the house. we now have a foundation! sweet. better than that, no rain for a few days so the foundation can dry.

october 3rd is the day the blood clot went to james' brain and he ended up in the hospital. today, a year ago this morning, is the day james died. the day i had him taken off of life support. the day i discussed organ donation out in the hall. this post isn't about boo hoo, how sad. it's for me to acknowledge how far we have come in the past year. am i sad? you bet your fucking ass. but, as harsh as this sounds, instead of being nothing but sad today i am choosing to look forward. we no longer live in hell. we live in a beautiful place. i am AT the ocean. it smells good. the sounds are amazing. life goes on. it sucks. and it doesn't. i wish more than anything to have james back. but that will never happen. so i am figuring it out and showing the boys that we can do this while helping them remember their father, how much he loved them....and telling them what he would want for them. trying to help them become even anything remotely close to what he was. if i can do that, THAT will be amazing. because james was the best man i have EVER met.

therapist dude's parting words to me were, 'you can choose to be sad. you can choose to be happy. OR....you can choose to be mother fucking happy. i hope you choose the last one.' i have thought about what he said. i am choosing not to be sad. i still have deep, piercing make me want to vomit moments. i get through them and move on. i haven't quite gotten to 'happy' or 'mother fucking happy' but i'm working on it.

we're here!

this is where i live now.

took the boys to see the sea lions today after school.

after the truck was unloaded on sunday we took a break before unpacking and headed to the astoria column. look closely and you will see my brother, ethan and alexander running up to the column.

lots and lots and lots of driving. boys did well. dogs weren't happy. we were all tired. but overall the trip was good. things were ahead of schedule. the loading and unloading went well. my brother flew out on monday. it's just me and the boys. no jan. no therapist dude. but we're here. it's surreal.

got the boys registered in their schools and they have started. that's been the hardest part on E. not knowing anyone at school. having no one to play with at recess (for the 2 days he's gone to school now). alexander is uber happy because in astoria half day kindergartners get to eat lunch at school. it's a dream come true. he's SO tired of always waiting 2 years for everything E gets to do. so he was jacked up when he found out he didn't have to wait that long to get to eat lunch at school.

unpacking. but ONLY what we need for the next 6 months. went and checked the progress of the new house. more about that later. now i must get the little muffins ready for bed. in reno school started at 9:30am. here....it starts at 8 fucking 10 am!!!! that is just wrong. it's going to take some adjustment that is for damn sure. but it's all good. went to the beach this morning (in the rain). it's just all good.

one thing that i have been trying to ignore....i miss having someone to tell me it's all going to be okay. someone to hold me. to comfort me. i don't fall apart. i think partly because i can't. because i am it. the boys rely on me. i talk to them. i am honest with them. they have been overall really damn good about this entire move. i just wonder if i am pushing my feelings deep down and if that's ultimately going to be a bad thing. i wonder what would happen to me if i let all those feelings out. i wonder if there will ever by anyone in my life who would want to be there for me like that. i can't imagine it. and i don't often let myself think about it.

my last appointment with therapist dude.

therapist dude bought blue dot.
he asked me to hold it until our last session.
that was today.
he always comes outside to get me.
when i got out of my car today he saw me with a painting all wrapped up.
when he saw it he said, 'so this means you're moving to astoria on saturday.'
it was a hard appointment.
one in which i cried.
a lot.
i am sick to fucking death of crying.
therapist dude asked me to think about what i wanted to walk away from our sessions with.
i told him it's clarity, direction and a way to deal with the guilt i feel.
i get buried in the shit and can't see a way out.
i get stuck on one small thing and can't move forward.
at all.
he openly gave me direction.
made it seem easy to complete what once seemed impossible.
even though this move is something i want....
the last couple of weeks have been extremely mother fucking hard.
basically sorting through our life together and keeping very little.
saying goodbye to friends.
but mostly it's been the way i feel like i am leaving james.
it makes no sense.
it's just how it feels.
i feel like i have lost something else.
with therapist dude i could discuss anything. everything.
no judgment, just guidance.
he was a positive in my life.
it just felt like i was losing a friend today.
i do think our patient/therapist relationship is unlike any other he's had.
he cussed at me.
i cussed at him.
we laughed.
i cried.
he listened.
he offered guidance/suggestions and flat-out gave me direction.
all of which i needed.
and still do.
but now won't have.
things are going to be different for me.
some of the issues that have been difficult here will be less so there.
other, new issues will arise, i am sure.
we all know i'm freaked out at being 100% responsible for the boys.
afraid of fucking them up.
but moving was my choice.
i think i feel even more scared than before.
because i now have one less resource.
therapist dude asked me to promise him i will paint once we're settled.
he said i need it.
and if painting isn't enough, find a new therapist in astoria.
and keep looking until i find someone i am comfortable with.
someone who won't make me pay their full rate.
he said if they want me to pay the full rate then they aren't interested in helping me.
they are interested in money.
therapist dude said i paint my emotions whether i intend to or not.
he said if he opened up blue dot he could show that to me.
i told him to not open blue dot until i was gone.
i vividly remember what he said today.
with the neutered and domestic thing we try to make it, remember....life is still a wild fucking adventure.
don't try and change that.
therapist dude gave me his email address.
apparently that isn't normally done after termination of the client/patient relationship.
he wants me to tell him how i'm doing.
he said if i need him, if i need a 'tune up'...let him know.
he gave me a hug before i walked out the door.
i'm pretty sure that's against the rules too.
but like i said before, that's one of the things i love about him.
he just doesn't give a crap about the rules....
between being exhausted.
sorting and packing up our lives.
helping the boys deal with their fear, anxiety, sadness.
dealing with my own emotions about james.
my own self-doubt about the decisions i have made.
selling my house (that is a fucking insane process btw).
buying a new house.
the crash course in everything i've had to learn to do these things.
dealing with the unsolicited advice about what i am doing.
saying goodbye to friends.
dealing with intentions that were right but somewhere along the line went wrong....
it has been a wild fucking roller coaster ride the last few weeks.


ps: not that he will see it, my nephew isn't allowed to read my blog because i cuss like a sailor...but anyway...happy birthday kyler! auntie loves you!!

the night didn't go exactly as planned.

i was trying so hard not to cry.
sitting in jan's car.
she went off on me.
telling me i won't look at this from anyone else's perspective.
i. can't. do. this. i tell her that.
there are still aspects of jan that i do not understand.
do not know.
i feel a lot of guilt.
i am making things more difficult for people.
taking some things away from the boys.
what opportunities am i opening up for them? that is unknown.
jan, gettin all up in my face.....it certainly gave me perspective.
also made the first half of our night together suck.
i shut down.
she is far more socially capable than i.
mediterranean for dinner.
then the hippy store.
still a lot of tension between us.
she doesn't seem to understand one of the things that makes me feel the worst.
the fact i am afraid our friendship won't survive the distance.
it certainly won't be the same.
she won't be right across the street any more.
no more 'just had to come over for a minute' convos that last an hour.
no more sharing our (almost) daily lives.
except by phone.
visits will be few.
have to be long weekends, over christmas break, or spring break.
i wasn't feelin it when thinking about the two of us going out.
i just had this feeling.
for the last couple of days i have felt like something bad was going to happen.
just felt 'off'.
i was so right.
the topic was not brought back up between the two of us.
it was just too raw.
my biggest fear is we won't survive the distance.
we will drift apart.
i want to be excited about moving.
our new location.
but i am afraid to be excited.
whether meaning to or not, the constant 'you're moving so far away', what are we going to do about christmas, how will the boys see each other....are you sure you have to do this....
it's all taking its toll.
i am already so full of self-doubt about this move, all the crap isn't helping.
i suck at the friend thing.
like holy shit kind of suck.
i usually just don't let people in.
jan.....i let her in. she did the same for me.
but this is like foreign fucking terriroty to me.
and i fuck things up.
i know if our roles were reversed, jan would not live her life for me.
she would do what she needed to do for herself, rachael and dan.
i am doing the same.
doing what i think is right for me. for the boys.
i am leaving her behind. her words.
when i first told her i was moving she was all, i will come and see you. yes. you know i will.
then it was..well....yeah...i'll come and see ya. sometimes.
now it's, hm.....can't make any promises.
whether it's right or not, it hurts me.
that she won't come no matter what.
maybe part of why i have been feeling like such shit lately is i feel like our time is limited.
and we are pulling away from each other before i'm actually gone so when saturday comes.....
both of us aren't crying.
i really don't let many people in.
it just never seems to end well.

what i will miss.

there is no excitement without risk.
i have a door from my bedroom out onto the patio in the back yard.
sometimes i go sit out there late at night.
IF the wind isn't blowing.
when it's a nice night, like tonight, i jam to tunes and sit.
i think.
sometimes i take a nice adult beverage with me.
sitting out on the patio late at night, superburrito (best fast food mexican i've ever had) and jan, dan and rachael are what i will miss about this place.
and that is it.
it is so hard to live my life exactly the way i want.
that responsibility/kids thing......
been feeling dizzy the last three days.
not nearly enough sleep.
too much stress. uh-huh.
but i am getting things done.
during my last appointment with therapist dude he taught me a new word. it's *no*.
i was like...dude...i know how to use the word no!!
he wasn't convinced.
he told me to go home and practice.
i told him no!
then i laughed.
and so did he.
packing up my painting stuff.
really made me miss painting.
how it feels to stretch canvas.
the smell of gesso and paint.
sure hope my desire to paint comes back full fucking force after the move.
holy crap i need that to happen!
time to get off the computer.
i should be packing.

10 days.

comfort and familiarity are nice.
but they aren't everything.
i want to be open to what is around me.
aware of it.
because i am scared of this move, i am likely to close myself off and live in a small portion of our new place.
hard to explain.
i will take the boys to school.
pick them up.
unpack.
take the boys and walk on the beach.
for a while, (maybe a long while), that will pretty much be my world.
i will be afraid to open myself up to anything more.
to meeting people.
uh..hello...fucking shyest person on the planet!
whose fucking brilliant idea was it to move where we will know almost no one!!!!
holy crap. i sometimes wonder what the hell i am doing.
maybe once i find a level of comfort in our new place that will change.
we will go exploring. literally.
but for me, personally, i am pretty sure i will be wrapped up tight.
i am aware of that.
and trying to force myself to be open to what is to come.
whatever that is.
this may seem dramatic, but over the last two weeks at times i feel exactly like i did when james first died.
i cry for no reason.
omfg i hate that!!!!
i feel an emptiness i can't even describe.
it makes me feel like the breath is being sucked out of me.
it makes my stomach hurt.
nothing makes me more angry.
i really don't understand it.
these horrible, intense, make me want to vomit feelings are coming back?! really?!
and then....they are gone.
and i can picture our new house, us living in astoria.
the boys and i, starting a new life.
i think it's the fact that james isn't going to be part of our astoria lives (i mean physically)....
he will never live there with us.
that makes me so sad.
how something i've wanted for so long can leave me with such conflicted feelings fucken pisses me off.
i don't want to live closed off.
i really do want to be open to what is to come.
to not settle....to not just get by.
i want to feel passionate about something....everything!
i want to wake up and feel fucking jacked up.
when someone makes you laugh, or does something kind, or unexpected, it leaves you feeling, hm....almost a little lighter. a little bit happy.
i want that in my life again.
but i also don't.
because if i experience it, i will want more.
and that really truly scares the crap out of me.
maybe i'm afraid to live all out, because i would be doing it without james.
and if i did that, and was the slightest bit happy, i'm not sure i could handle the guilt.
when i start to feel that way, i try to think how i would feel, what i would want for james, if i had been the one that died.
i would want him to be happy.
i'm not sure why i am having such a hard time with this.
logically i know that my being happy again doesn't mean i don't love james.
i fucking have issues.
i am sad (and actually dreading) the fact i see therapist dude only one more time before we go.
he helps me see things more clearly.
i need that.

11 days.

if i don't take photos, i forget.
where we've been.
what we've seen.
the boys' reactions to where we are.
i love this shot of E.
a kid, throwing a stick, there's just something carefree about that.
and that's what his life should be like at this age.
a few shots of the place we are moving to.
it's all strangely surreal to me.
it's like i won't believe it until i see it.
it somehow doesn't seem like it's really happening.
having told the boys' teachers that their last day will be the 25th, word is spreading.
apparently we are big news.
people need fucking lives.
people that i didn't think know who i am, know who i am.
and came up to me tonight at the spaghetti dinner (fund raiser for the boys' school).
apparently my reputation precedes me.
apparently someone's husband dying is still big news. this many months later?! really??!!
this shit is NOT following the boys to their new schools.
no one will know our circumstances.
we will be able to start fresh.
i am looking forward to that.
no one will walk up to me in the middle of alexander's classroom and tell me how sorry they are my husband died.
yes, i know he was trying to be polite.
but people don't get it.
that is a conversation to be had OUTSIDE the classroom in a private setting, not one where every kid (and parent) in the classroom can hear you.
school is supposed to be a 'safe' place for the boys.
not a place where they have to have their father's death put right back in their faces again.
so i didn't handle it well.
i looked at the dude and said, 'someone just kill me now', turned around and walked away.
he, of course, was floored. didn't understand my reaction.
therapist dude and i talked about this event.
he said, 'really? that's exactly what you said and did?'
uh...yeah.
people really don't get it (yes..i KNOW he was trying to be nice)...
but i don't want that shit brought to the school!!!
therapist dude laughed.
couldn't believe i actually said those words.
i told him, 'yeah, i know, i didn't handle it well.'
he said you know what?
you handled it fine.
you handled it how you handled it.
now move on.
feeling overwhelmed.
excited.
sad.
happy.
so so so much to do!!

every 6 years or so.

my best friend's name was darcy.
we grew up together.
we smuggled a cat into her mom's apartment (after her parents split up).
darce's mom was a softie and ginger (the cat) stayed.
darce (and her mom, susan) introduced me to hot chocolate pudding served over buiscuits.
i thought it sounded disgusting.
but it was SO good.
i snuck out of her house to hang with my boyfriend who was going off to bootcamp the next day.
we spent so many hours staying up all night, talking, laughing.
talking about everything. anything.
when we were in highschool (she was a year older than i), we were driving around in her yellow bug.
darcy ran a stop sign and we ran into another car.
i went through the windshield, was unconscious and was taken by ambulance to the hospital.
darcy was not injured (physically).
she was shaken. understandably so.
one of the people in the other car broke a leg.
the second person was uninjured.
we were young, and stupid. and had been drinking.
i ultimately ended up having plastic surgery on my face (the windshield thing)...
after the accident, my relationship with darcy changed.
i often wondered what happened.
what had i done.
our friendship basically ended (or so it seemed anyway).
until i heard that her mom died.
at this point she is living in georgia.
i am in, yes...sucky nevada.
james and i went to the funeral (which was in california).
darcy and i somewhat renewed our friendship.
she called me a while after that.
it was then that she told me she felt guilty (about the accident).
she just didn't know how to deal with it, and that's why we drifted apart.
she felt guilty.
it was like a lightbulb went off inside my head.
of course.
i told her it wasn't her fault!!
we talked about it for a long, long time.
then six years went by.
we didn't keep in touch.
then out of the blue she called me.
again, we got all caught up....said we'd stay in touch...and of course we didn't.
fast forward to tonight.
yes. i talked to darce.
she didn't know james died.
she didn't know we're moving to astoria.
but now she does.
she now knows my youngest son's name is alexander harrison danger reed.
i freakin love alexander's name. come on. danger??!! the kid digs it.
the sad thing is, i don't think darcy ever got over the guilt she felt about the accident.
but i never, EVER held it against her.
it was an accident!!!
we were both stupid, and drinking.
she was just the unfortunate one to be driving.
could just as easily have been me.
i hope it won't be another 6 years until we speak again.
she wants to see photos of me and the boys. the boys and i? whatever.
i want to see her now 14 year old daughter, jordan.
i think about darcy often and have over the years.
it was nice to talk to her.
since she doesn't facebook, or text message and rarely checks her email, i'm guessing it'll be another 6 years until we talk again.
i told her to get with the fucken times (come on, you thought there was going to be an entire post with NO bad language?) and FB, text and start using email!

pwdlwpdlwpdlwp

it's cloudy and cool.
my kind of weather.
two weeks from today i will be driving.
with 2 kids, 2 dogs and a lot of crap.
it's going to be strange living in someone else's house while our house is being built.
trying to ease the boys' fears about moving.
they are very concerned that we will be leaving without our furniture.
and the computer.
uh...have ya met me?
no fucking way i'll be w/o internet!
it's interesting what upsets them and what they don't seem terribly worried about.
E is not looking forward to being yanked out of 3rd grade.
i know he will be okay.
he will make new friends.
but i don't like that my decision is causing him stress.
next weekend (saturday) jan and i are hangin.
no kids (not even rachael).
we talked yesterday, both of us close to tears.
not sure wtf i'm gonna do without her.
been doing a lot of yoga.
to try and keep my heart from exploding.
E fell and hit his head.
ER instructed me to wake him up a bunch of times at night to make sure he would, in fact, wake up. and yeah, if he doesn't be sure and bring him in. ya think?!
had to do that when he was a baby (he hit his head then too).
that kind of shit is stressful.
looking forward to the move being done.
to getting settled into the rental house.
and watching the progress as our new house is being built.

nbvnbvcbvbxvb

another no photo post (which sucks).
not feeling artistic, or creative.
my closest friends are pulling away.
before i'm even gone.
makes me sad.
but it doesn't make me change my mind.
just makes me stronger in my resolve.
it reaffirms that i am doing the right thing for us.
that taking care of us...and us only...it is what i need to do.
i sing in the car. actually i rock out. and i don't care that people stare at me.
i don't do it for the attention. i would prefer people NOT stare at me. but whatever.
i do it because it is me.
i need music right now.
i am used to being the odd one out.
i prefer to do my own thing, not blend in with the crowd.
i don't go out of my way to be a freak (yeah, i know, you don't have to say anything to that)!!
apparently i'm a freak by nature. lol.. and i'm down with it.
i don't really care if i fit in.
i am trying to impart that to the boys.
it's a hard thing....kids naturally want to fit in.
i just want my kids to stand on their own.
to stand up for what they believe in (whatever that ends up being).
i am prearing myself.
to go to a new place.
where we know almost no one.
for what that will be like.
having no one to turn to.
might not even be able to call jan.
might just choose not to call her.
i think i have spent so much time hating it here i haven't really pictured in my mind what it will be like when i actually live somewhere where i don't hate it.
the move, selling my house, buying a new one...all the change that is about to take place...it is overwhelming.
dealing with my feelings about feeling like i'm leaving james....
yes, he will always be a part of me.
but this is harder than i thought it would be.
i am talking to the boys about it. a lot. every day.
the more we talk about it, the less scary it will be for them.
they know our plan, step by step.
yoga tonight.
and more ibuprofen.
then hopefully sleep (last night i barely slept at all and that just sucked)!

aoerpaqoeriawoeir

peoples' actions speak louder than words.
the amount of suckage i have dealth with in the last two days???!!!
holy shit.
but i am fucking walking away.
letting it go.
finally made a fucking decision about the house today.
holy shit wtf is wrong with me.
took me a freaking week to make this decision???
what the hell.
pretty damn tired of everyone giving me their two cents.
about every move i make.
didn't ask ya. so shut the hell up.
i am doing what i think is right for us. me. and the boys.
i don't need your analysis.
or opinion. unless of course i ask you for it.
i just keep saying the same thing.
i'm not gonna sit around here and bitch about being unhappy.
i am going to make some fucking changes.
if it works out? great.
if not? i'll fucking figure it out.
at the very least i will have done....something!! at least tried to change things!!
i can't make things better for everyone.
right now...i just don't have it in me.
i can take care of the boys. they come first.
the others??
you made choices.
now you have to live with them.
i cannot make it better for you.
and if i could?
i'm not even sure i want to.
because every time you were given the opportunity?
you failed us. james. the boys.
so now....you get to deal with it.
maybe in time i will want to make it better.
maybe in time i will try.
but not now.
am i a shitty person for that?
probably.
but it is what it is.
i am going to miss therapist dude.
he is my reality check.
puts me back in the right direction when i go off....
he makes me hear things.
like it's not my fault james died.
i am not sure i will ever get over the guilt of taking james off life support.
therapist dude says i need to find someone in astoria.
look until i find a good connection like he and i have.
he wants me to keep seeing someone.
yesterday was alexander's first day of kindergarten.
he was SO excited. and happy.
i was excited and happy for him.
that is all he saw.
he had no idea that inside i was sad.
because james wasn't there to see alexander go off to kindergarten.
you know...truly...since james died i HAVE put the boys first.
even before james died the boys came first...but now?? even more so.
i put aside my feelings, to take care of theirs.
there are people in our life that are not capable of doing that.
and that is sad.
while alexander and E were at school i took that opportunity to take some of james' clothes out of our closet and donate them. it needed to be done. realistically i can't pack all of james' things. i would like to, and the boys would like me to. but it's not realistic. so while they were gone, so they wouldn't be distressed, i took an entire car load of james' things to goodwill. i am not done.
i can honeslty say me not making them feel better about what they have done...it is the first time i have been like this. it is the first time i have been this strong in how i feel. i am not a mean person. but i am not over it. the fact they can't put their own emotions aside for the boys? that is just damn sad.
it's been an emotional few days which makes me crazy.
emotions suck. they are just so messy.
the closer i get to making this happen...i just have such mixed feelings.
happiness, excitement....but i also feel that sick to your stomach feeling. because even though i know it's crazy, i do feel like i am leaving james.

smores and jellyfish.

in case anyone doesn't get this, my scarcasm is my defense mechanism.
it is how i keep you out.
it is how i don't show you my true feelings.
it stems from a flip attitude.
if you care about nothing nothing can hurt you.
i am scarcastic by nature.
i would guess to some, it seems extreme.
i think people don't get it.
they think holy crap. wtf.
they see it as me being angry.
they don't understand it for what it truly is.
because of this i am often amused at people. by people.
their responses to things i say and things i do.
i laugh when things are funny.
that is pretty much the extent of emotion you will see from me.
when the fluffy make me gag emotion starts to come out i make it stop.
sometimes i am quiet.
i am always thinking.
i freak out if i don't have access to the internet (and some sort of news on a daily basis).
i giggle when i drink.
i am shy.
painfully shy.
but once i get to know you there is nothing i won't say or do.
i hate being in large groups of people.
when i am in a group of 4 or more i basically shut down.
i can't deal.
if i love you there is nothing i won't do for you.
i am not mean.
i try to be in tune to those around me.
to be kind. and caring.
polite.
so get a fucking grip people.
my scarcasm has been a big part of how i have dealt with james.
i am harder now.
yes, that is true.
which is sad, actually.
but i am also not hard.
if i ever let my guard down i know what would happen.
because i feel things so strongly.
i am afraid of what would happen to me if i let my guard down.
because of how i do things.
how i just jump in.
it's like this constant struggle.
me wanting to live all out.
but not being ready for that.

therapist dude made me laugh today.

E's first day of 3rd grade.
he was apprehensive.
he did not want to go.
but he did.
wearing his cons.
right on.
one of the hardest things is what has been taken from the boys.
james was not there today.
and E wanted him to be.
therapist dude told me i'm shitty at accepting a compliment.
uh...fucking duh!
then he laughed and said, 'you know, i don't cuss at all my patients.'
which made me laugh.
then he said, 'i'm going to pretend to be you. only i don't have a fucking sailor mouth so i'll leave out all the bad words.'
which made me laugh again.
he told me i am making things happen.
he says i make it look effortless and he is amazed by that.
that surprised me (the make it look effortless part).
because i feel like i don't know what the hell i am doing.
i am full of self-fucking doubt.
there is too much i don't know about selling a house.
buying a house.
having a house built...what i should and shouldn't do in that regard.
what's best for resale vs. what's best for our needs at this time.
he told me to try to see it from his perspective.
feeling guilt about moving is something i did not anticipate.
and it is totally pissing me off.
therapist dude says that guilt is unwarranted. misplaced. misguided.
he says i am dealing with the aftermath and doing what i think is best for me and the boys.
honestly (and i've been thinking a lot about this)....
i think i am afraid to not feel guilty.
because if i don't feel guilty it will be almost like admitting i am able to go on with my life.
maybe more that i WANT to go on with my life.
and i do.
i just really didn't anticipate how it would feel to do it.
it wasn't my choice....but i am now able to picture something without james.
that just makes me feel bad.
not much sleep in the last few days.
quick trip to astoria over the weekend.....
i'll talk more about that later.
right now i am tired.
and i'm going to bed soon.

can't stop listening to DMB.

there was something about james.
when i met him.
how we just went together.
belonged together.
we just sort of met, and never left each other.
i believe what james and i had, not many people find.
was it perfect? of course not.
but what we had, i really truly believe it's rare.
i still wonder if i will ever come out the other side of this.
i mean, i know i will....but will i ever be anything close to the person i used to be?
after i began to realize and understand what had actually happened.....
literally for weeks i was sick to my stomach. no. make that months. my body was cold.
i would throw up. my body would shake and shake....it is as close as i have ever come to complete and total breakdown.
that still happens to me.
there are still times when i am so sick to my stomach, that i can't eat. my body shakes and just won't stop.
there are other times.
when i feel like i'm beginning to figure some things out.
i begin to feel a little bit of excitement about a decision i've made.
about where we're going to live.
and yes, i know deep in my heart james would want me to be happy.
he would want me to move.
that's not the issue.
the issue is the guilt i am beginning to feel about moving on with my life.
moving on just doesn't feel right.
i have a huge mother fucking hole in my life.
i think unless you have experienced what i have (and am lucky to have had in my life), then you can't truly understand what i have lost.
even though james was sick for 10 years, we were still us. we lived our lives the way we wanted. except for the physical stuff james couldn't do (fly, climb, hike)....
during that 10 years our lives changed yet i still understood how lucky i was.
i can't imagine not having met james and having him in my life.
i have not stopped loving james. that will never happen.
a few months after he died i did things.
things i shouldn't have done.
and felt no guilt over them.
it was me blindly trying not to feel so empty.
trying to focus on something...anything...else.
so why is it now i feel so much guilt about trying to move on with my life.
that is something i SHOULD be doing.
something to discuss with theraist dude i am sure.
i spend so much time trying NOT to think about james, sometimes when i do let myself think about him, it's almost shocking. it feels overwhelming. and that is a minor fucking understatement.
i think therapist dude was right.
the more action i take to make changes, to buy a new house, to sell our house, to actually move...the more guilt and strong emotions i am feeling. yay. (yeah...scarcasm).
i just want to feel a little bit of happy.
so why is it now, when i'm doing things that i 'should' be doing...like trying to move on with my life and figure out how to live it without james...why is it now i am starting to feel so much guilt.
that is not something i anticipated happening.

asdeopoerakldfka;d

i have a thing for lighthouses.
like i have a thing for boats.
like i have a thing for the ocean.
this is north head lighthouse.
and it's beautiful.
6 more days and E begins 3rd grade.
2 weeks from today alexander begins kindergarten.
i wasn't sure i could survive the summer.
but i did.
the offer i put in on the new construction house has been accepted.
i'm flying back this weekend to meet with the builder and actually look at the property and some other houses he's built....basically to work out the details of our deal and make sure i like what i see.
estimated completion date is march 15th.
if my house sells sooner, rather than later, i'll rent a house in our new location until the new house is done.
trying to be true to who i am, what i want, and what is good for the boys.
if i am making a mistake, well.....i'll figure it out.
but at least i won't have just sat here....complaining...being unhappy.....doing nothing about it.
therapist dude said my episode on the beach was me dealing with some of my grief.
he said it's me, figuring out how to live without james.
feeling guilty about what i'm doing, feeling like i'm betraying james by trying to be happy.
by actually moving.
it's just something i've thought about for so long.
it seems almost surreal that it's actually happening.
therapist dude said to me, right in my face, i am doing nothing wrong.
james would want me to do this.
he asked me if james spoke to me on the beach.
i was like...uh...are you a crazy fucking person?
he said, kimberly, you know in your heart what james wants for you.
so tell me.
because he spoke to you on the beach.
he spoke through you, as you were walking that same path back and forth for two hours.
i don't like crying because it's a loss of control.
therapist dude says i keep things deep down, that i don't often let myself express emotion.
and when i do i see it as a sign of weakness.
he may be right. i do see crying as a sign of weakness (in me only)....NOT in other people.
in other people, i see it for what it is.
i feel strong emotion (all the fucking time), just rarely express it, especially when i'm around others.
you could look at me and have absolutely no idea i'm screaming on the inside.
or that i'm choking back emotion.
what you will see is someone smiling, being polite....breathing...pushing it all down...away....
how is it possible to feel excited AND so sad about something is beyond me.
but that's how i feel about moving.
excited to be leaving here.
but sad too, because this is the place we shared with james.
and dude.
i never EVER thought in a million years i would say i am sad about leaving here.
because yes. i hate it that much.
i feel like i am abandoning james.
therapist dude says that i am not.
i know i am not. that is stupid.
but emotions have a way of screwing up the logic.
therapist dude said to expect more freak outs as the move progresses.
oh. yay.
i told him i'm opting for the get drunk and forget all the shit plan.

today i....

fired a realtor.
hired a new one.
put 10,000 gallons of eye drops in my eyes.
allergies suck.
broke my glasses.
pissed off pretty much everyone who wasn't already pissed at me.
helped jan.
it's a nice change from her constantly helping me.
got angry with james' mom.
i just shake my head on that one.
it is mind blowingly unbelievable.
got my house ready to show in the morning.
made airline reservations.
made car rental reservations.
laughed my ass off while jan and i were trying to put up shelves in her garage.
put strain on a friendship (i'm not talkin about my friendship with jan here).
and i'm not sure the friendship is strong enough to take it.
got angry about all the judgment coming my way about the move.
the more i think about it, the angrier get.
but i'm going to let that shit go.
i am doing what i think is right for me. and for the boys. period. the end.
it's scary fucken shit...moving somewhere where i know almost no one.
where i will have no support/help.
where i am responsible for everything!
my dislike of where i currently live outweighs the fear.
apparently.
because i am motivating.
actually doin this.
why does friendship have to be so difficult.
why can't it just...be.
let it fucken be and go with it.
just fucking let it roll.
i can't pretend to be something that i am not.
someone i am not.
i just can't.
you either like it...or not.
i don't have to fucking answer to anyone.
so why do i feel i fucken have to explain myself TO everyone.
wtf.
it pisses me off that people are trying to crush the little bit of happy i feel about moving.
there is a lot to this.
fear, anxiety, happiness, hope, sadness...did i mention fear?
i'm pretty scared at what it will be like once we're there.
what if i am just as miserable there as i am here.
then what.
will i ever be open to starting again?
even the thought of that feels like a betrayal to james.
i have thought about this. for hours. and hours.
if i had been the one that died, i would 100% with all my heart want james to find hapiness again. if that meant moving somewhere else....
eventually finding someone else to love...
but i can't even fathom that.
what i just typed literally brought tears to my eyes.
and we all know i fucken hate to cry.
am sick of that shit.
when will it all just go away?!
will i ever not feel guilty about feeling a little bit of happy?
still feeling way fucking on overload.
but i'm about to go give it up.
time for yoga.
a peaceful mind.
quiet breathing.
some killer poses.

i. can't. sleep.

seriously on fucken overload people.
problems with jan.
E waking up at night again.
me not sleeping again.
trying to sell my house.
trying to buy another one.
not exactly bein' the brains of the family, i've had to rather quickly educate myself about many things.
my family....how complicated it all is, how many times i shake my head. like...seriously? really??!!
telling james' mom i put an offer in on a house.
she watched the boys while i went to bunko tonight.
i figured i better tell her before the boys did.
getting my house in 'selling' condition.
my brakes.
you know, fuck. i can go to a place and they can tell me any shit they want and i won't know any different. i don't like that. at all.
this crash course in all the shit that james used to take care of for me sucks. just sayin. ;-)
same thing with the sale agreement i signed.
and about 6 other documents i signed recently.
people could totally be fucking with me and i wouldn't know any different!
having a shitty support network.
an almost nonexistent support network.
being almost incapable of being a normal person....not knowing how to function in certain situations, say...uh...like the one that went down with jan tonight. i fucking suck at this shit.
i could not fucking do yoga tonight to save my fucking life.
i could not concentrate long enough to control my breathing.
instead my mind raced.
i am so all over the place.
totally can't sleep.
too bad i can't paint right now.
that would be some productive time. you know, since i'm not sleeping.
just put E back to bed.
nightmare. the kid is exhausted.
alexander literally running and jumping into my arms when i got home tonight (he should have been asleep). but he was so concerned that i wasn't coming home again he waited up for me...hoping i would.
the amount of worry and sadness my boys have in their lives...it just fucking kills me.
so yeah, just slightly stressed out about a few things.
never knowing how to answer the questions.
you know, 'oh. her husband died?? what happened???'
wanting to live my life not as someone's widow.
to not be seen as 'that oh, you poor dear' kind of person.
because that is so not me.
but i am always caught off guard when someone asks me about james.
when people used to ask me if i was ever going to have children, after about the 30 millionth time, i just started answering, 'no, i can't have children.' that shut people up. maybe i should come up with something along those lines. it's mean. but sure fucken shut people the hell up.
i have made quite a few decisions lately.
and i'm damn tired of being judged.
even by the one person i thought would never judge me.
seems to have an opinion about things.
makes me feel like i'm living under a microscope.
that my every move is being watched. judged.
and that sucks.
yes, i know this is a downer post.
i'm just gettin it out.
hoping it will just all go the fuck away.
when i finally get some sleep i will have a better perspective.
still getting used to doing everything without james.
it just seems strange to me.
maybe i'm having a little freak out, wondering if some of the big decisions i have made lately are right.
maybe i'ved moved on to the psychotic part of second guessing myself.
i really don't know if the decisions i've made are right or not.
the only thing i do know is i can't stay here.
and i won't know if i've made the right decision until it all actually goes down.
i tell myself, at least i'm making forward movement.
taking steps to make something happen.
if you're unhappy, fucken change things.
and that's what i'm doin'.
probably lots of typos tonight.
i've got my wrist braces on.
and i'm too lazy to go back and fix stuff.

the only dog on the planet that doesn't like puppy rides!

it's been a crazy week.
i am pissed off.
i think i'm irritated because i miss james.
and still love him.
here's what it is i think.
i fucken do things on impulse.
totally fucken stupid things.
then think, later...wtf.
why did i do that.
because yeah, the other day i did something totally stupid.
something i can't take back.
and i'll be fucken paying for that one for a while.
FUCK.
why do i fucken do this impulsive shit?!
my trip to astoria made me realize once again, what is missing from my life.
it made me miss james all over again.
and that really does piss me off.
you can live your life, not need affection, sex, intimacy (some of the things i really miss with james)....
but then...something happens...
someone brushes your hand lightly.....
does something unexpected....nothing major, just shares something with you.
and it comes rushing back to you.
with a fucking vengeance that makes you crazy.
makes you miss what you had.
makes you want what's being offered.
in that moment.
you can think no further ahead than that.
you thought you were fine without it.
but then you realize.
you're really not.
at least not all the time.
THAT is what is pissing me off.

i have made some huge decisions this week.

financial decisions.

buying a house.

selling a house.

all things i would have relied on james for.

i'm all or nothing.

i basically shut that shit down when james died.

but now, 10 months later....

i really miss it. him.

it fucking pisses me off.

i don't think i can be satisfied with putting all my energy toward the boys.

i need more than that.

that much i know for sure.

what will my life be like after we move?

no fucken clue.

will i be totally and completely happy?

uh...no.

will i be living in a place i don't hate?

yes.

and that's a start.

and about as far as i can see into the future.