seriously on fucken overload people.
problems with jan.
E waking up at night again.
me not sleeping again.
trying to sell my house.
trying to buy another one.
not exactly bein' the brains of the family, i've had to rather quickly educate myself about many things.
my family....how complicated it all is, how many times i shake my head. like...seriously? really??!!
telling james' mom i put an offer in on a house.
she watched the boys while i went to bunko tonight.
i figured i better tell her before the boys did.
getting my house in 'selling' condition.
you know, fuck. i can go to a place and they can tell me any shit they want and i won't know any different. i don't like that. at all.
this crash course in all the shit that james used to take care of for me sucks. just sayin. ;-)
same thing with the sale agreement i signed.
and about 6 other documents i signed recently.
people could totally be fucking with me and i wouldn't know any different!
having a shitty support network.
an almost nonexistent support network.
being almost incapable of being a normal person....not knowing how to function in certain situations, say...uh...like the one that went down with jan tonight. i fucking suck at this shit.
i could not fucking do yoga tonight to save my fucking life.
i could not concentrate long enough to control my breathing.
instead my mind raced.
i am so all over the place.
totally can't sleep.
too bad i can't paint right now.
that would be some productive time. you know, since i'm not sleeping.
just put E back to bed.
nightmare. the kid is exhausted.
alexander literally running and jumping into my arms when i got home tonight (he should have been asleep). but he was so concerned that i wasn't coming home again he waited up for me...hoping i would.
the amount of worry and sadness my boys have in their lives...it just fucking kills me.
so yeah, just slightly stressed out about a few things.
never knowing how to answer the questions.
you know, 'oh. her husband died?? what happened???'
wanting to live my life not as someone's widow.
to not be seen as 'that oh, you poor dear' kind of person.
because that is so not me.
but i am always caught off guard when someone asks me about james.
when people used to ask me if i was ever going to have children, after about the 30 millionth time, i just started answering, 'no, i can't have children.' that shut people up. maybe i should come up with something along those lines. it's mean. but sure fucken shut people the hell up.
i have made quite a few decisions lately.
and i'm damn tired of being judged.
even by the one person i thought would never judge me.
seems to have an opinion about things.
makes me feel like i'm living under a microscope.
that my every move is being watched. judged.
and that sucks.
yes, i know this is a downer post.
i'm just gettin it out.
hoping it will just all go the fuck away.
when i finally get some sleep i will have a better perspective.
still getting used to doing everything without james.
it just seems strange to me.
maybe i'm having a little freak out, wondering if some of the big decisions i have made lately are right.
maybe i'ved moved on to the psychotic part of second guessing myself.
i really don't know if the decisions i've made are right or not.
the only thing i do know is i can't stay here.
and i won't know if i've made the right decision until it all actually goes down.
i tell myself, at least i'm making forward movement.
taking steps to make something happen.
if you're unhappy, fucken change things.
and that's what i'm doin'.
probably lots of typos tonight.
i've got my wrist braces on.
and i'm too lazy to go back and fix stuff.