Thursday, August 20, 2009

i. can't. sleep.

seriously on fucken overload people.
problems with jan.
E waking up at night again.
me not sleeping again.
trying to sell my house.
trying to buy another one.
not exactly bein' the brains of the family, i've had to rather quickly educate myself about many things.
my family....how complicated it all is, how many times i shake my head. like...seriously? really??!!
telling james' mom i put an offer in on a house.
she watched the boys while i went to bunko tonight.
i figured i better tell her before the boys did.
getting my house in 'selling' condition.
my brakes.
you know, fuck. i can go to a place and they can tell me any shit they want and i won't know any different. i don't like that. at all.
this crash course in all the shit that james used to take care of for me sucks. just sayin. ;-)
same thing with the sale agreement i signed.
and about 6 other documents i signed recently.
people could totally be fucking with me and i wouldn't know any different!
having a shitty support network.
an almost nonexistent support network.
being almost incapable of being a normal person....not knowing how to function in certain situations, say...uh...like the one that went down with jan tonight. i fucking suck at this shit.
i could not fucking do yoga tonight to save my fucking life.
i could not concentrate long enough to control my breathing.
instead my mind raced.
i am so all over the place.
totally can't sleep.
too bad i can't paint right now.
that would be some productive time. you know, since i'm not sleeping.
just put E back to bed.
nightmare. the kid is exhausted.
alexander literally running and jumping into my arms when i got home tonight (he should have been asleep). but he was so concerned that i wasn't coming home again he waited up for me...hoping i would.
the amount of worry and sadness my boys have in their lives...it just fucking kills me.
so yeah, just slightly stressed out about a few things.
never knowing how to answer the questions.
you know, 'oh. her husband died?? what happened???'
wanting to live my life not as someone's widow.
to not be seen as 'that oh, you poor dear' kind of person.
because that is so not me.
but i am always caught off guard when someone asks me about james.
when people used to ask me if i was ever going to have children, after about the 30 millionth time, i just started answering, 'no, i can't have children.' that shut people up. maybe i should come up with something along those lines. it's mean. but sure fucken shut people the hell up.
i have made quite a few decisions lately.
and i'm damn tired of being judged.
even by the one person i thought would never judge me.
seems to have an opinion about things.
makes me feel like i'm living under a microscope.
that my every move is being watched. judged.
and that sucks.
yes, i know this is a downer post.
i'm just gettin it out.
hoping it will just all go the fuck away.
when i finally get some sleep i will have a better perspective.
still getting used to doing everything without james.
it just seems strange to me.
maybe i'm having a little freak out, wondering if some of the big decisions i have made lately are right.
maybe i'ved moved on to the psychotic part of second guessing myself.
i really don't know if the decisions i've made are right or not.
the only thing i do know is i can't stay here.
and i won't know if i've made the right decision until it all actually goes down.
i tell myself, at least i'm making forward movement.
taking steps to make something happen.
if you're unhappy, fucken change things.
and that's what i'm doin'.
probably lots of typos tonight.
i've got my wrist braces on.
and i'm too lazy to go back and fix stuff.

4 comments:

lamarsd said...

You have the weight of the world on your shoulders... and you are feeling it. When we moved to Oregon we had to sell our house in California- just as the housing market tanked. It was stressful, as in sleepless nights, worry, and all that crud that eats at every waking moment and prevents the sleeping moments. We had to move, though, because our little on kept getting variations of heat-stroke due to the excessive heat in the Sacto Valley and the fact we had an old house without A/C.

Anyway... the stress builds as all the details involved in selling a house come in. It is a tough process, one that we hope to never go through again. You will get through this... just take it one step at a time.

It matters- what you want to do matters to you.. and you are the lead of your family. You were very honorable in telling James' mom that you are moving. The layers of pressure, responsibility, and fundamental decisions that rest of your shoulders are immense. It sounds exhausting... and something that causes insomnia (I also struggle with major insomnia!).

Girl... one step at at time... one foot in front of the other. Keep on moving forward.... keep your head up and aware of the people around you (it sounds like you are really do this already!!).

You are STRONG, SMART and CAPABLE! The boys are lucky to have this in their mom.


Eva in Eugene

QuirkyGirl said...

So I don't pull a lot of punches. I like it given to me straight, so that's how I give it. I'm thinkin' your the same kind of chick. A kindred spirit, so here goes.

Welcome to Single-Parenthood. It's a lovely land of self-doubt, second guessing, and the best part of all. Life in the fish bowl. You know that place where everyone is staring at you and telling you what THEY think about the decisions YOU make for YOU and the lives of YOUR kids. It can suck ass pretty bad.

Here's the thing though...YOU are the only one that can live your life. And in the end, right, wrong, or indifferent it's your call. They eventually get over it and no matter how crazy those decisions seem to you or others at the time they work. Don't let them trip you up about having to live for your kids. That's bullshit! The best things you can do for your kids is to teach them to LIVE life by showing them how you live yours.

Follow your gut, Mama. Your gut isn't going to steer you wrong. You know you and A and E better than any one else. Your guts going to tell you when someone is fucking with you. It's going to tell you when it's a bad idea. If it doesn't then go with it. You may have to backtrack or eat crow everyonce in awhile (which blows) but it's all apart of this crazy ride called livin'.

You got this. To quote L's favorite phrase: "Two tears in a bucket. Mother Fuck It!"

Doesn't that just say it all?

Rach

Violet said...

I feel your pain ont he repeated question thing.

I get sick of people asking me, after staring at my non existant leg, what happened. I could go into the long-ass story of cancer four times, blah blah blah... but, I've recently taken to telling people that it got bitten off by a shark. They uually look at me wide eyed and don't ask anymroe questions. Sometimes I tell especially rotten children that I didn't listen to my mother and I should have eaten more vegetables.

Is that wrong? Ha! I don't even care.


<3

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