Tuesday, September 22, 2009

my last appointment with therapist dude.

therapist dude bought blue dot.
he asked me to hold it until our last session.
that was today.
he always comes outside to get me.
when i got out of my car today he saw me with a painting all wrapped up.
when he saw it he said, 'so this means you're moving to astoria on saturday.'
it was a hard appointment.
one in which i cried.
a lot.
i am sick to fucking death of crying.
therapist dude asked me to think about what i wanted to walk away from our sessions with.
i told him it's clarity, direction and a way to deal with the guilt i feel.
i get buried in the shit and can't see a way out.
i get stuck on one small thing and can't move forward.
at all.
he openly gave me direction.
made it seem easy to complete what once seemed impossible.
even though this move is something i want....
the last couple of weeks have been extremely mother fucking hard.
basically sorting through our life together and keeping very little.
saying goodbye to friends.
but mostly it's been the way i feel like i am leaving james.
it makes no sense.
it's just how it feels.
i feel like i have lost something else.
with therapist dude i could discuss anything. everything.
no judgment, just guidance.
he was a positive in my life.
it just felt like i was losing a friend today.
i do think our patient/therapist relationship is unlike any other he's had.
he cussed at me.
i cussed at him.
we laughed.
i cried.
he listened.
he offered guidance/suggestions and flat-out gave me direction.
all of which i needed.
and still do.
but now won't have.
things are going to be different for me.
some of the issues that have been difficult here will be less so there.
other, new issues will arise, i am sure.
we all know i'm freaked out at being 100% responsible for the boys.
afraid of fucking them up.
but moving was my choice.
i think i feel even more scared than before.
because i now have one less resource.
therapist dude asked me to promise him i will paint once we're settled.
he said i need it.
and if painting isn't enough, find a new therapist in astoria.
and keep looking until i find someone i am comfortable with.
someone who won't make me pay their full rate.
he said if they want me to pay the full rate then they aren't interested in helping me.
they are interested in money.
therapist dude said i paint my emotions whether i intend to or not.
he said if he opened up blue dot he could show that to me.
i told him to not open blue dot until i was gone.
i vividly remember what he said today.
with the neutered and domestic thing we try to make it, remember....life is still a wild fucking adventure.
don't try and change that.
therapist dude gave me his email address.
apparently that isn't normally done after termination of the client/patient relationship.
he wants me to tell him how i'm doing.
he said if i need him, if i need a 'tune up'...let him know.
he gave me a hug before i walked out the door.
i'm pretty sure that's against the rules too.
but like i said before, that's one of the things i love about him.
he just doesn't give a crap about the rules....
between being exhausted.
sorting and packing up our lives.
helping the boys deal with their fear, anxiety, sadness.
dealing with my own emotions about james.
my own self-doubt about the decisions i have made.
selling my house (that is a fucking insane process btw).
buying a new house.
the crash course in everything i've had to learn to do these things.
dealing with the unsolicited advice about what i am doing.
saying goodbye to friends.
dealing with intentions that were right but somewhere along the line went wrong....
it has been a wild fucking roller coaster ride the last few weeks.

ps: not that he will see it, my nephew isn't allowed to read my blog because i cuss like a sailor...but anyway...happy birthday kyler! auntie loves you!!


downhomediva said...

My thoughts and prayers to you and your boys. You will be alright, because you are determined to make it so! Believe in yourself!

Cari said...

I really, really, really like therapist dude! He cares about you! YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING! I can't wait to hear about your new adventures with those awesome boys of yours!!!! Safe Travels!

QuirkyGirl said...

I haven't felt like talking today, but after reading your entry I sort of want to purge. Excuse me while I vomit a bit.

Thanks for your comments to my blog. Even the ones that only say a couple of words seem to speak directly to my spirit somehow. I've needed that lately. So thanks.

I'm sad about Therapist Dude. I'm gonna miss him. He gave me some good advice through the re-telling of your sessions too. Love love love the bit about how we try to tame and domesticate life, but it's really a wild adventure. I think I forgot that lately.

I'm diggin on your move and will be thinking of you all day on Saturday. As far as the boys go...take it from a kid who moved every 2-3 years. They'll be more than great. A little hard at first, but they'll find it easier than you will. The one thing my mom did that helped me with moving so much is that she got everything out of boxes and on the walls and ditched the cardboard asap. With all our stuff surrounding us so fast it felt like home sooner than you'd think. And camping out together in one room the first night is easier than sleeping alone in a new room.

Your not alone in worrying about being solely responsible for your boys. I freak out AT LEAST once a day that I'm fucking my kids up for good. I'm not a June Cleaver kind of mom. Somedays I think they're lucky that I'm not. Other days I'm convinced they deserve better than me. But for whatever reason God knew you were the only person who could be the mom they needed. Same for me and my girls. We'll get there. One way or another. We may or may not fuck it all up. We just have to do the best we can. It's the parents who think they do it all right that scare the piss out of me.

I'm going to miss you while you are without internet. Post us some pics of the new place when you can. Oh! Whenever I move the first thing I do is find my local library. Love the smell of the stacks, plus internet access, and free movies. Plus they have stuff for kids and it lets them meet people on an equal playing field.

But that's me. You'll find your own cool playing fields.

Happy traveling vibes coming your way, Momma

Marieke said...

Someone who swears like a sailor will at least feel right at home near the ocean. So there, you've made the right choice!
You're my hero do you know that Kimberly? So many people would be absolutely paralized with fear after going through what you have. Stuck in a rut forever because it is easier to wallow in self-pity than to move forward and make hard and life altering choices.
There is this saying here that drives me absolutely mental at times because it gets used in situations where people just don't know what to say in sympathy or support when a loved one is going through a difficult time. "She'll be right". Drives me up the wall because it basically can be interpreted as what are you worried about, things aren't as grave as you think they are and it will all work out in the end. But in this case I think it's rather appropriate, not in a condesending or negative way but meant positively and with hope for the future: "She'll be right Kimberly".
Good luck with the last stressful days and the drive up. what an adventure! I'll be thinking of you that's for sure. Much love.

Michelle said...

Therapist Dude is what most other therapists try to be but can't be because they are too consumed by the money and the rules to be the way they need to be to really effect a change. I am so happy Therapist Dude was in your life even if it was only briefly. I am so happy you are starting to find some peace and a fresh start.

Anonymous said...

In almost every post your sons seem to be at the top of your concern... how could you possibly screw them up when all you ever want is what is best for them? It really is going to be okay. Olivia

Mary said...

I am glad you made it safe with your family... You are brave and doing good... What a beautiful place and and new adventure for you and the boys... They will love the ocean and all the treasures that it has to give...