therapist dude bought blue dot.
he asked me to hold it until our last session.
that was today.
he always comes outside to get me.
when i got out of my car today he saw me with a painting all wrapped up.
when he saw it he said, 'so this means you're moving to astoria on saturday.'
it was a hard appointment.
one in which i cried.
i am sick to fucking death of crying.
therapist dude asked me to think about what i wanted to walk away from our sessions with.
i told him it's clarity, direction and a way to deal with the guilt i feel.
i get buried in the shit and can't see a way out.
i get stuck on one small thing and can't move forward.
he openly gave me direction.
made it seem easy to complete what once seemed impossible.
even though this move is something i want....
the last couple of weeks have been extremely mother fucking hard.
basically sorting through our life together and keeping very little.
saying goodbye to friends.
but mostly it's been the way i feel like i am leaving james.
it makes no sense.
it's just how it feels.
i feel like i have lost something else.
with therapist dude i could discuss anything. everything.
no judgment, just guidance.
he was a positive in my life.
it just felt like i was losing a friend today.
i do think our patient/therapist relationship is unlike any other he's had.
he cussed at me.
i cussed at him.
he offered guidance/suggestions and flat-out gave me direction.
all of which i needed.
and still do.
but now won't have.
things are going to be different for me.
some of the issues that have been difficult here will be less so there.
other, new issues will arise, i am sure.
we all know i'm freaked out at being 100% responsible for the boys.
afraid of fucking them up.
but moving was my choice.
i think i feel even more scared than before.
because i now have one less resource.
therapist dude asked me to promise him i will paint once we're settled.
he said i need it.
and if painting isn't enough, find a new therapist in astoria.
and keep looking until i find someone i am comfortable with.
someone who won't make me pay their full rate.
he said if they want me to pay the full rate then they aren't interested in helping me.
they are interested in money.
therapist dude said i paint my emotions whether i intend to or not.
he said if he opened up blue dot he could show that to me.
i told him to not open blue dot until i was gone.
i vividly remember what he said today.
with the neutered and domestic thing we try to make it, remember....life is still a wild fucking adventure.
don't try and change that.
therapist dude gave me his email address.
apparently that isn't normally done after termination of the client/patient relationship.
he wants me to tell him how i'm doing.
he said if i need him, if i need a 'tune up'...let him know.
he gave me a hug before i walked out the door.
i'm pretty sure that's against the rules too.
but like i said before, that's one of the things i love about him.
he just doesn't give a crap about the rules....
between being exhausted.
sorting and packing up our lives.
helping the boys deal with their fear, anxiety, sadness.
dealing with my own emotions about james.
my own self-doubt about the decisions i have made.
selling my house (that is a fucking insane process btw).
buying a new house.
the crash course in everything i've had to learn to do these things.
dealing with the unsolicited advice about what i am doing.
saying goodbye to friends.
dealing with intentions that were right but somewhere along the line went wrong....
it has been a wild fucking roller coaster ride the last few weeks.
ps: not that he will see it, my nephew isn't allowed to read my blog because i cuss like a sailor...but anyway...happy birthday kyler! auntie loves you!!