Monday, December 14, 2009

apparently....

apparently my way of dealing with things is to pretty much NOT deal with them.
i get a flip attitude.
an i don't give a fuck attitude.
i do whatever it is i want to do that makes me forget.
i realized today, when i was oh so angry with ethan, that this angry person is not who i want to be.
taking care of the boys is swallowing me up.
it is no secret i struggle with being a mother.
i struggle with the amount of time and energy it takes.
with the constant-ness of it.
is that even a word?
if it isn't, it should be.
sometimes it really feels like it sucks the life right out of me.
and before you go gettin all up in my face about i'm lucky to have kids and blah blah blah....
yeah. i get that.
part of me is all about it.
the other part of me....not so much.
i was talking to one of the dudes building our house the other day.
he has 5 kids.
he's been married for 26 years.
when he met his wife she was pregnant (not by him) at 16 years old.
he loved her.
and took on another man's child.
they built a life together and had children together.
i told him his was a pretty amazing story.
that there aren't a lot of men who would do that.
he looked at me and said, 'it wasn't the kid's fault'.
he raised that child as one of his own.
why am i telling you that story?
to remind myself.
it's not ethan's fault his father died.
it's not alexander's fault either.
and they deserve better than i have been giving them.
E yelled at me tonight, 'why don't you just kick me out?!'
i calmly told him i will never ever do that.
that i love him.
that i will always be here for him.
but he has to understand he cannot continue to push me.
being so angry and disrespectful.
today was not my best day.
along with all of this alexander had his christmas recital at school tonight.
i loved watching him up on stage.
but at the same time, it made me so so sad.
because james just ate that shit up.
he LOVED being there for the boys.
going to their school functions, games....and everything else.
so it was glaringly huge tonight to me, that james wasn't there to see alexander up on stage.
and, as i've said a million times before, that is the saddest part about james' death.
that my boys, at such a young age, have to grow up without their father.
i watched as they looked longingly at other 'families' with a mom and a dad.
i had to turn away and breathe.
and dude.
i am mother fucking sick of that shit.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

interesting identity struggle! don't we all have that as mothers & wives? its amazing we want to be "ME" but in reality we are not complete without the others. so embrace being 3 (4) people & not just ONE!!! you are your boys, your husb...all 4 rolled into YOU! thats why you are so confused!!! cuz don't you just look at them sometimes are wonder...who are these people????

Happy Holidays! love your blog! EMB

QuirkyGirl said...

I wish I had words. But sometimes we don't need words. We just need to say this shit outloud and not be judged for it. So I'm just going to let you know that I'm 'listening' as I read your words. Listening without judgement. Hearing and understanding (as much as I can) to what you're saying. And still thinking your great all the while.

Sara said...

It took Joe a year to stop pushing me. He actually pushed me to a crying mess a couple of times (which, surprisingly, stopped his attitude dead and produced an apology during that fight because I guess he thought he broke me).

I remember realizing that I had kids and would rarely get to just be me anymore and I was pissed about that. I felt selfish about it but that didn't change how I felt. It was hard and I feel for you there. I wish I had a better solution than just keep telling and showing him you love him and try to carve out a little you time when you can. As they get a little bigger you'll get more and more time for you though I remember sometimes just wanting them to get a little bigger already.

amy said...

wow