the night didn't go exactly as planned.

i was trying so hard not to cry.
sitting in jan's car.
she went off on me.
telling me i won't look at this from anyone else's perspective.
i. can't. do. this. i tell her that.
there are still aspects of jan that i do not understand.
do not know.
i feel a lot of guilt.
i am making things more difficult for people.
taking some things away from the boys.
what opportunities am i opening up for them? that is unknown.
jan, gettin all up in my face.....it certainly gave me perspective.
also made the first half of our night together suck.
i shut down.
she is far more socially capable than i.
mediterranean for dinner.
then the hippy store.
still a lot of tension between us.
she doesn't seem to understand one of the things that makes me feel the worst.
the fact i am afraid our friendship won't survive the distance.
it certainly won't be the same.
she won't be right across the street any more.
no more 'just had to come over for a minute' convos that last an hour.
no more sharing our (almost) daily lives.
except by phone.
visits will be few.
have to be long weekends, over christmas break, or spring break.
i wasn't feelin it when thinking about the two of us going out.
i just had this feeling.
for the last couple of days i have felt like something bad was going to happen.
just felt 'off'.
i was so right.
the topic was not brought back up between the two of us.
it was just too raw.
my biggest fear is we won't survive the distance.
we will drift apart.
i want to be excited about moving.
our new location.
but i am afraid to be excited.
whether meaning to or not, the constant 'you're moving so far away', what are we going to do about christmas, how will the boys see each other....are you sure you have to do this....
it's all taking its toll.
i am already so full of self-doubt about this move, all the crap isn't helping.
i suck at the friend thing.
like holy shit kind of suck.
i usually just don't let people in.
jan.....i let her in. she did the same for me.
but this is like foreign fucking terriroty to me.
and i fuck things up.
i know if our roles were reversed, jan would not live her life for me.
she would do what she needed to do for herself, rachael and dan.
i am doing the same.
doing what i think is right for me. for the boys.
i am leaving her behind. her words.
when i first told her i was moving she was all, i will come and see you. yes. you know i will.
then it was..well....yeah...i'll come and see ya. sometimes.
now it's, hm.....can't make any promises.
whether it's right or not, it hurts me.
that she won't come no matter what.
maybe part of why i have been feeling like such shit lately is i feel like our time is limited.
and we are pulling away from each other before i'm actually gone so when saturday comes.....
both of us aren't crying.
i really don't let many people in.
it just never seems to end well.