Sunday, September 20, 2009

the night didn't go exactly as planned.

i was trying so hard not to cry.
sitting in jan's car.
she went off on me.
telling me i won't look at this from anyone else's perspective.
i. can't. do. this. i tell her that.
there are still aspects of jan that i do not understand.
do not know.
i feel a lot of guilt.
i am making things more difficult for people.
taking some things away from the boys.
what opportunities am i opening up for them? that is unknown.
jan, gettin all up in my certainly gave me perspective.
also made the first half of our night together suck.
i shut down.
she is far more socially capable than i.
mediterranean for dinner.
then the hippy store.
still a lot of tension between us.
she doesn't seem to understand one of the things that makes me feel the worst.
the fact i am afraid our friendship won't survive the distance.
it certainly won't be the same.
she won't be right across the street any more.
no more 'just had to come over for a minute' convos that last an hour.
no more sharing our (almost) daily lives.
except by phone.
visits will be few.
have to be long weekends, over christmas break, or spring break.
i wasn't feelin it when thinking about the two of us going out.
i just had this feeling.
for the last couple of days i have felt like something bad was going to happen.
just felt 'off'.
i was so right.
the topic was not brought back up between the two of us.
it was just too raw.
my biggest fear is we won't survive the distance.
we will drift apart.
i want to be excited about moving.
our new location.
but i am afraid to be excited.
whether meaning to or not, the constant 'you're moving so far away', what are we going to do about christmas, how will the boys see each other....are you sure you have to do this....
it's all taking its toll.
i am already so full of self-doubt about this move, all the crap isn't helping.
i suck at the friend thing.
like holy shit kind of suck.
i usually just don't let people in.
jan.....i let her in. she did the same for me.
but this is like foreign fucking terriroty to me.
and i fuck things up.
i know if our roles were reversed, jan would not live her life for me.
she would do what she needed to do for herself, rachael and dan.
i am doing the same.
doing what i think is right for me. for the boys.
i am leaving her behind. her words.
when i first told her i was moving she was all, i will come and see you. yes. you know i will.
then it was..well....yeah...i'll come and see ya. sometimes.
now it's, hm.....can't make any promises.
whether it's right or not, it hurts me.
that she won't come no matter what.
maybe part of why i have been feeling like such shit lately is i feel like our time is limited.
and we are pulling away from each other before i'm actually gone so when saturday comes.....
both of us aren't crying.
i really don't let many people in.
it just never seems to end well.


Anonymous said...

kimberly, you are just going thru alot of normal emotions. you are grieving hard. your past & future. friends & family being left behind feel betrayed, like you are leaving them 'after all they have been thru'. but, you have to do whatever it is that you think is right. even if it is the worse decision you've ever made, and it is a total disaster, good will come from it. I say hang in there, stumble thru it all & spread your wings & fly! so what if you hit a tree so to speak & don't come out with a nice soft landing, you are already there...right? you and the boys will grow and you will all figure out who you are and what needs to happen next. this is all a good thing. I've been in a similar situation and one day I made an impulsive decision & moved, away from everybody that loved me & cared about us. it was a mess at first, but little by little I learned to like myself again & be OK with me (& just my kids). it will all work out. finding peace is a blessing.

katrynka said...

I am sorry this is such a struggle. But it seems from what I have read, that you really need to change things. Not to criticize your friend, but friends should try to put the other person's happiness ahead of the fact that the person staying will miss them. Not sure I said this clearly. Just hang onto your boys and go for it.

Anonymous said...

I second what both Anonymous and Katrynka said. I can relate to what you are saying....

My son has a condition in which he gets heatstroke quickly and easily. This made living in Northern CA very dangerous and a problem with a toddler who heatstroked so quickly. It was a life-and-death situation in temps that could exceed 100 for days on end. It sucked. I had a job offer in Oregon.... I talked with the husband and we decided to take it. We moved.... left my parents and family behind in CA. I have a couple of close friends, but that was it. My closest had just died from breast cancer, the other close friend I was terrified of leaving behind.
I did move, though. I did not like the area in which we were living. The Sacto Valley is dry, ugly most of the year and congested.

It has now been 5 years and I have no real regrets. I was back 'home' this summer and felt the congestion, heat and how dry and ugly everything felt TO ME. I was happy, literally happy, to get back to Oregon where it is lush and green, much more peaceful, near a lovely roaring river and where there is little traffic. In high sight, I did the right thing. I have some sadness for not living near my parents as my son has limited access to grandparents. But... we needed to live where we would be happy and love our environment. Family is us...

Your family is really you and the boys. It is the day-to-day workings that makes a stable environment, extra grandparents and others make it better (or not, depending ) You don't like the Reno area.... it is not inspiring to you. You love Astoria.... go for it, then.

Jan has been a good friend. It sucks to move away from a good friend. I did that with my buddy back in CA. I rarely hear from her, but we do connect every summer when I visit. I miss her, but building a better life in Oregon has been the foundation of our healthier family. I hope that you will find the same.

It is just days before you leave.... keep your faith in yourself and that you are doing the right thing. If it ends up that you don't care for Astoria, you can move again. We are a fluid country, you are not locked in. The boys will adapt and grow from the experience.

Rock on
You are strong and can do this move
You are leaving a physical geographic area that you don't like, you aren't leaving because of friends. What you see everyday as you leave the house should be something you enjoy, something that aesthetically pleases you, the artist. This is how I feel about being next to a lush forrest, near a roaring river and close enough to an ocean. It is peaceful to the eyes, a stunning vision, inspiration.

E in Eugene

Marieke said...

The last days before a big geographical move are so full of conflicting emotions. And those emotions can get the better of you so easily. I remember so well the easy promises of keeping in touch with some people when I moved to the other side of the world 11 years ago, knowing full well I'd never see or hear from them again. And yes even my good friends dropped off one by one and I let them slip away as well. Perhaps in part a little because staying in touch hurts too much, reminds you of who and what you've left behind and you cannot get it back, ever. Saying goodbye hurts. And Jan may just be protecting herself by pulling away. I know I've done the same with lots of people. You've got to protect your heart for self preservation.
I'm sorry Kimberly, I know it's not easy. That feeling of the last few days, the mixed emotions, the guilt, the doubt, the fear and excitement all rolled into one is absolutely exhausting. mentally and physically. Just know that all will be okay. I believe in you and think of you daily.

QuirkyGirl said...

If I know nothing else. I know the moving bit. I learned as a young kid that those people who want to keep in touch with you and who you want to keep in touch with you will. It's not that they weren't good friends or that you grew apart. It's just the nature of the beast. Jan loves you and is acting out of her own fears. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. It's just her way. Only time will tell, K. You got this, girl. Jump in and swim in this crazy new adventure.

And we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on OK.
Don't worry, we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on alright.
Don't you worry, we'll all float on.
We'll all float on.
- "Float On" Modest Mouse