it's been a crazy week.
i am pissed off.
i think i'm irritated because i miss james.
and still love him.
here's what it is i think.
i fucken do things on impulse.
totally fucken stupid things.
then think, later...wtf.
why did i do that.
because yeah, the other day i did something totally stupid.
something i can't take back.
and i'll be fucken paying for that one for a while.
why do i fucken do this impulsive shit?!
my trip to astoria made me realize once again, what is missing from my life.
it made me miss james all over again.
and that really does piss me off.
you can live your life, not need affection, sex, intimacy (some of the things i really miss with james)....
but then...something happens...
someone brushes your hand lightly.....
does something unexpected....nothing major, just shares something with you.
and it comes rushing back to you.
with a fucking vengeance that makes you crazy.
makes you miss what you had.
makes you want what's being offered.
in that moment.
you can think no further ahead than that.
you thought you were fine without it.
but then you realize.
you're really not.
at least not all the time.
THAT is what is pissing me off.
buying a house.
selling a house.
all things i would have relied on james for.
i'm all or nothing.
i basically shut that shit down when james died.
but now, 10 months later....
i really miss it. him.
it fucking pisses me off.
i don't think i can be satisfied with putting all my energy toward the boys.
i need more than that.
that much i know for sure.
what will my life be like after we move?
no fucken clue.
will i be totally and completely happy?
will i be living in a place i don't hate?
and that's a start.
and about as far as i can see into the future.