Tuesday, August 18, 2009

the only dog on the planet that doesn't like puppy rides!

it's been a crazy week.
i am pissed off.
i think i'm irritated because i miss james.
and still love him.
here's what it is i think.
i fucken do things on impulse.
totally fucken stupid things.
then think, later...wtf.
why did i do that.
because yeah, the other day i did something totally stupid.
something i can't take back.
and i'll be fucken paying for that one for a while.
why do i fucken do this impulsive shit?!
my trip to astoria made me realize once again, what is missing from my life.
it made me miss james all over again.
and that really does piss me off.
you can live your life, not need affection, sex, intimacy (some of the things i really miss with james)....
but then...something happens...
someone brushes your hand lightly.....
does something unexpected....nothing major, just shares something with you.
and it comes rushing back to you.
with a fucking vengeance that makes you crazy.
makes you miss what you had.
makes you want what's being offered.
in that moment.
you can think no further ahead than that.
you thought you were fine without it.
but then you realize.
you're really not.
at least not all the time.
THAT is what is pissing me off.
i have made some huge decisions this week.
financial decisions.
buying a house.
selling a house.
all things i would have relied on james for.
i'm all or nothing.
i basically shut that shit down when james died.
but now, 10 months later....
i really miss it. him.
it fucking pisses me off.
i don't think i can be satisfied with putting all my energy toward the boys.
i need more than that.
that much i know for sure.
what will my life be like after we move?
no fucken clue.
will i be totally and completely happy?
will i be living in a place i don't hate?
and that's a start.
and about as far as i can see into the future.


lamarsd said...

Wow- sounds like a big move is coming up! Hopefully you will be in Astoria! It is not too far from here and is such an awesome location!

A very close friend of mine died 7 years ago. We were close- one of my few close friends. I still do double-takes when I see someone who looks similar, someone who laughs just like she did....

Keep on truckin, rocking and taking care of business. You are moving forward- sure beats being static... being stuck in place and in pain.

If you make the drive up to Astoria, please remember you are always welcome here in Eugene!


Kristy said...

You are extremely hard on yourself. Most people would make mistakes if they lost all that mattered to them. But most people who haven't lost anything are probably making bigger mistakes than you think you are.

I believe new surroundings are in order, but I think you knnew that already. I'm excited for you as you turn another page in your journey.


QuirkyGirl said...

I sooo get it. The bit about thinking your good without the touchy stuff until someone does it. Then it's all in your face and desire and longing are screaming for something that's missing. Oh, yeah, definitely get that.