every couple of days the boys and i go to the property and look and see what's been done on the house. we now have a foundation! sweet. better than that, no rain for a few days so the foundation can dry.
october 3rd is the day the blood clot went to james' brain and he ended up in the hospital. today, a year ago this morning, is the day james died. the day i had him taken off of life support. the day i discussed organ donation out in the hall. this post isn't about boo hoo, how sad. it's for me to acknowledge how far we have come in the past year. am i sad? you bet your fucking ass. but, as harsh as this sounds, instead of being nothing but sad today i am choosing to look forward. we no longer live in hell. we live in a beautiful place. i am AT the ocean. it smells good. the sounds are amazing. life goes on. it sucks. and it doesn't. i wish more than anything to have james back. but that will never happen. so i am figuring it out and showing the boys that we can do this while helping them remember their father, how much he loved them....and telling them what he would want for them. trying to help them become even anything remotely close to what he was. if i can do that, THAT will be amazing. because james was the best man i have EVER met.
therapist dude's parting words to me were, 'you can choose to be sad. you can choose to be happy. OR....you can choose to be mother fucking happy. i hope you choose the last one.' i have thought about what he said. i am choosing not to be sad. i still have deep, piercing make me want to vomit moments. i get through them and move on. i haven't quite gotten to 'happy' or 'mother fucking happy' but i'm working on it.