Wednesday, October 07, 2009

parting words.

self-portrait taken with my iPhone while driving to astoria (on moving day).
every couple of days the boys and i go to the property and look and see what's been done on the house. we now have a foundation! sweet. better than that, no rain for a few days so the foundation can dry.
october 3rd is the day the blood clot went to james' brain and he ended up in the hospital. today, a year ago this morning, is the day james died. the day i had him taken off of life support. the day i discussed organ donation out in the hall. this post isn't about boo hoo, how sad. it's for me to acknowledge how far we have come in the past year. am i sad? you bet your fucking ass. but, as harsh as this sounds, instead of being nothing but sad today i am choosing to look forward. we no longer live in hell. we live in a beautiful place. i am AT the ocean. it smells good. the sounds are amazing. life goes on. it sucks. and it doesn't. i wish more than anything to have james back. but that will never happen. so i am figuring it out and showing the boys that we can do this while helping them remember their father, how much he loved them....and telling them what he would want for them. trying to help them become even anything remotely close to what he was. if i can do that, THAT will be amazing. because james was the best man i have EVER met.
therapist dude's parting words to me were, 'you can choose to be sad. you can choose to be happy. OR....you can choose to be mother fucking happy. i hope you choose the last one.' i have thought about what he said. i am choosing not to be sad. i still have deep, piercing make me want to vomit moments. i get through them and move on. i haven't quite gotten to 'happy' or 'mother fucking happy' but i'm working on it.

14 comments:

Jennifer (Ambushed) said...

You are amazing! I'm so happy that you are at a place you want to be. It really will be a good thing for you. And you need to get that house done. I need to escape the snow. :)

Anonymous said...

MFH- my new acronym. I struggle with finding that happiness and am inspired by yours. You continuously amaze me. Your strength and fortitude is amazing and something that you have worked hard for. Anniversaries like this suck... the distance you have traveled in one year is quite something. Keep traveling.... rocking on... digging the new house.... and loving those fabulous boys! We will visit sometime soon!


Eva in Eugene

Misty-couldn't remember my password :P said...

I just love you. I have never seen so much strength in one person. You and the boys are in for an amazing future.

DonaB said...

Woman, you are amazing. I have so much respect for you.

Marieke said...

Wise words in hard times. Look how far you've come. Can you see the victories big and small though the pain?
Just this past week or so I've begun to start enjoying life rather than enduring. It's been an amazing revelation.

Patrice~ said...

sister, I'm told every Thursday that I will feel better and feel happy. someday, she said.
you will too.
I like your new home.
do you have a basement?
the location looks absolutley fabulous.
I love the way you express yourself so freely by way of the written word.
love you.

QuirkyGirl said...

You've come a long way, Baby. I'm proud of you.

Helen of Aus said...

I have been reading your blog from far away for the past year and I am so in awe of you. You are so strong most of the time and so honest all of the time. It takes courage to honour the past and to move on. You have made the move physically and now the emotional journey continues. Be MFH that is the best choice that you and we can all make in this life that we are given, no matter where we live.

Punkass said...

I hope to someday tell E & A about what i thought about their dad and how proud he was of them and what kind of a man he was.

I'm proud of you for taking matters into your hands and going after your happiness.

Violet said...

You've gone and made me cry again! Happy tears this time! Look at you... I mean. I'm just blown away by you. <3 You have a piece of my heart!

jensmack said...

I'm so fucking proud of you.

That's all.

(well, for now)



xoxoxo

Erin said...

You rock. I have been reading your blog for the past year and cannot believe how far you have come (I guess both literally and figuratively). And I think I am going to get MFH tattooed somewhere - it's brilliant.

Christi said...

that photo of you in the car is fabulous
thinking of you and the boys and remembering all the wonderful things about James

Leah said...

MFH...isn't that what we all should aspire to? good for you and A and E...in your new home...living life...being happy...you know that I am amazed by your courage and your strength!
love you!