Wednesday, November 04, 2009


alexander at the astoria coffee house.
a place i sometimes take the boys for a cookie and hot cocoa.
my dad had a heart attack and is in intensive care.
i am where i want to be (meaning astoria). i love it here.
but i do feel far away from everyone i know. duh. i am far away from everyone i know.
i miss having someone to take care of me.
not take care of me in the sense i can't do shit on my own.
that's not what i mean.
i mean.....someone who gives a crap if my day sucked.
someone to listen to me.
someone who will hug me and tell me it's going to be okay.
someone who just genuinely cares about me.
and gives a crap if i am upset about something.
someone who takes an interest in me.
what i think.
what i have to say.
i can do the single parent thing.
i've been doing it for a year.
but i've gotta say, the boys suck the life right out of me.
being a parent is demanding.
nonstop support.
answering nonstop questions.
easing their fears.
making sure they know how much you love them.
that you WILL be there for them.
because they are afraid you will leave them like their father did.
they go to YOU for everything. because you are all they have.
and i can't seem to figure out how to recharge myself.
having some weird-ass dreams about james.
WHEN i sleep.
go to bed exhausted.
wake up exhausted.
my frame of mine is better here. no doubt about that.
i knew i would be presented with new issues.
like the isolation thing.
the hurt i feel about losing my relationship with jan.
it's not the same. not even close.
today (and yesterday) my emotions are very close to the top.
so not where i want them.
this is the point where i get pissed off that this shit just never goes away.
and then i do things.
that i shouldn't do.
at least that's my tendency.
trying to maintain.
really really missing james.
a little pissed off.
there are good things out there in life.
i am not going to settle.
don't know what it is i want yet.
but i do fucking know i will not settle for less than what it is.
i will not apologize for who or what i am.

1 comment:

QuirkyGirl said...

I know. Wish I had something better to say to you, but that's what I got. I know.

Your's is a different circumstance. My marriage ended in a brutal divorce where the love of your life was ripped cruelly and too soon from your hands. But the single-parent thing is still much the same. My grievances are all the same ones you listed.

It's hard and it sucks. It's easier to shower your kids with affection and all the things they need when you have some one replenishing your reserves by showering it on you. It gets pretty lonely sometimes. And heavy.

I wish I had some better words of comfort for you. But sometimes I think just having somebody else get what it means to walk a day in your shoes makes you not feel like your the only one in the world with the same shit.

So...I know. ((wrapping my arms around Kimberly. Giving a shit that she had a bad day. Waiting to hear what she had to say cuz I really want to know.))

And the Maybe Cancer bit...that's how the blog started. Out of a need to make my own dreams come true 'just in case'. Trying to teach my girls not to wait on someone else to make things happen. Not to wait for life cuz life doesn't wait on you. Don't talk about it much. Trying to focus on the life that I have. Learned really good lessons from it though. The one that sticks out the best is the fact that your life is RIGHT NOW. This very second. Not what's ahead. Not what's already happened. But this very moment. As I write this. This is my life. It taught me to live in the now. I wouldn't trade that lesson for anything.

Send love and light to you and your boys from a little hamlet in Indiana.