Wednesday, September 16, 2009

10 days.

comfort and familiarity are nice.
but they aren't everything.
i want to be open to what is around me.
aware of it.
because i am scared of this move, i am likely to close myself off and live in a small portion of our new place.
hard to explain.
i will take the boys to school.
pick them up.
take the boys and walk on the beach.
for a while, (maybe a long while), that will pretty much be my world.
i will be afraid to open myself up to anything more.
to meeting people.
uh..hello...fucking shyest person on the planet!
whose fucking brilliant idea was it to move where we will know almost no one!!!!
holy crap. i sometimes wonder what the hell i am doing.
maybe once i find a level of comfort in our new place that will change.
we will go exploring. literally.
but for me, personally, i am pretty sure i will be wrapped up tight.
i am aware of that.
and trying to force myself to be open to what is to come.
whatever that is.
this may seem dramatic, but over the last two weeks at times i feel exactly like i did when james first died.
i cry for no reason.
omfg i hate that!!!!
i feel an emptiness i can't even describe.
it makes me feel like the breath is being sucked out of me.
it makes my stomach hurt.
nothing makes me more angry.
i really don't understand it.
these horrible, intense, make me want to vomit feelings are coming back?! really?!
and then....they are gone.
and i can picture our new house, us living in astoria.
the boys and i, starting a new life.
i think it's the fact that james isn't going to be part of our astoria lives (i mean physically)....
he will never live there with us.
that makes me so sad.
how something i've wanted for so long can leave me with such conflicted feelings fucken pisses me off.
i don't want to live closed off.
i really do want to be open to what is to come.
to not not just get by.
i want to feel passionate about something....everything!
i want to wake up and feel fucking jacked up.
when someone makes you laugh, or does something kind, or unexpected, it leaves you feeling, hm....almost a little lighter. a little bit happy.
i want that in my life again.
but i also don't.
because if i experience it, i will want more.
and that really truly scares the crap out of me.
maybe i'm afraid to live all out, because i would be doing it without james.
and if i did that, and was the slightest bit happy, i'm not sure i could handle the guilt.
when i start to feel that way, i try to think how i would feel, what i would want for james, if i had been the one that died.
i would want him to be happy.
i'm not sure why i am having such a hard time with this.
logically i know that my being happy again doesn't mean i don't love james.
i fucking have issues.
i am sad (and actually dreading) the fact i see therapist dude only one more time before we go.
he helps me see things more clearly.
i need that.


Anonymous said...

I'm hoping the day you are ready, you may want to reach out to a new person in your new place. I work and live here in Astoria and would love to be a new "friend" to you and the boys. Just know this "stranger" is here when you're ready to make some new awsome memories in your new space. Have a safe move and welcome to Astoria! My e-mail is - I work at the local radio stations, check out our main website

QuirkyGirl said...

For someone who feels like you've closed yourself off you sure have one hell of an adventurous spirit. Who takes a plethora of weekend trips to explore and show her boys a wider scope of life? You do! Who has the courage to do what she's dreamed of doing and move to someplace she actually likes without knowing a soul? You do! Momma, if you could only see what I read, man. Nothing ventured nothing gained, right? You got this, girl. You got this.

PS I think I'm going to miss therapist dude too. Some of my fav posts are with therapist dude.


Leah said...

it is scary...but you are so brave and already know that it is the right long have you hated reno? deserve to be happy...james would have wanted it that way...I can't believe it's only 10 days away!!

Anonymous said...

Hey, if we can crash at your pad in Astoria, we are only 3 hours away! We can connect there and have the boys play together at the beach!

10 days.... you can do it.... That also means in 10 days you cruise through here! We look forward to the visit!

Rock on!

E in Eugene

Marieke said...

I have full faith in you. Yes it is hard starting afresh but you'll be just fine. Take a few weeks to find your feet. And at the new school force yourself to look people in the face. I know it is hard, believe me. After a while you'll start to recognize people. Say hello. And it will roll from there. Truly. You know I was in a similar situation 6 months ago. We are doing okay now. I still feel like hiding sometimes and it's not always easy but you WILL get there and life will be GOOD!!
Kimberly do you ever step back and look at what you've achieved so far? Holy shit girl you've got balls!
As always, with love from Down Under.
P.S. I think of you often too. ;-)