photo taken 10.27.09.
i look tired.
oh. maybe that's because i am.
sleep issues are semi back.
if they ever went away.
i am happy here.
well, i can be.
i'm actually a little afraid of being happy.
because i know the flip side of that.
i have tried damn hard not to let james' death make me afraid.
but it has.
every once in a while i start to feel good. a little bit happy.
and it scares the shit out of me.
not because i don't want to be happy. i do.
i guess because it reminds me of how i used to live life.
pretty much at full throttle.
it reminds me of what i used to have.
that i used to feel emotion sooo deeply.
i still feel emotion deeply, but it used to be happy emotion (for the most part).
but then that changed.
i've been trying to protect myself. and the boys.
i guess i'm not ready to stop doing that.