Thursday, November 05, 2009

kindergarten art.

my first art lesson is now up on the wall outside alexander's classroom.
kid artwork is pure.
went in today for alexander's parent teacher conference.
it was my intent to leave james' death as much as possible, out of our new life.
that's an odd sentence, i know.
his death never goes completely away.
i am always trying to find balance between me moving on with my life, yet still actively helping the boys remember their father and what/who he was and what he would want for them.
so it was a bit of a surprise to me today when jennifer (alexander's teacher) told me that alexander told her yesterday that his dad died.
the subject came up becuse they were talking about some dad-related thing/project in class. alexander matter of factly told her that this did not apply to him because he doesn't have a dad. that a virus attacked his dad's heart and he died.
i thanked her for telling me what alexander said.
i asked her to let me know of any other things she might over hear/discussions alexander might have involving his father and his death.
i maintained my composure.
kept my voice even.
finished the conference.
the boys were with me, of course.
we got in the car and i drove to the river.
left the boys in the car (it was raining).
i walked.
i needed a moment.
i have said this all along.
the saddest part of james dying was the boys losing their father.
they are still so so so young.
what they have had to go through (and what they have lost) breaks my heart.
it's just not fair.
i will never ever understand it.

2 comments:

Leah said...

love the art!
just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your dad...I hope you can get some answers soon!
hugs...to you and the boys.

Connor said...

I don't know anything about losing a parent as a five year old.

But my husband does.
And if it's any comfort, he somehow managed to be an awesome father and husband in spite of it all.

Love can do that you know.

You just keep on keeping on and loving. You do that REALLY well.