Wednesday, September 09, 2009


peoples' actions speak louder than words.
the amount of suckage i have dealth with in the last two days???!!!
holy shit.
but i am fucking walking away.
letting it go.
finally made a fucking decision about the house today.
holy shit wtf is wrong with me.
took me a freaking week to make this decision???
what the hell.
pretty damn tired of everyone giving me their two cents.
about every move i make.
didn't ask ya. so shut the hell up.
i am doing what i think is right for us. me. and the boys.
i don't need your analysis.
or opinion. unless of course i ask you for it.
i just keep saying the same thing.
i'm not gonna sit around here and bitch about being unhappy.
i am going to make some fucking changes.
if it works out? great.
if not? i'll fucking figure it out.
at the very least i will have done....something!! at least tried to change things!!
i can't make things better for everyone.
right now...i just don't have it in me.
i can take care of the boys. they come first.
the others??
you made choices.
now you have to live with them.
i cannot make it better for you.
and if i could?
i'm not even sure i want to.
because every time you were given the opportunity?
you failed us. james. the boys.
so get to deal with it.
maybe in time i will want to make it better.
maybe in time i will try.
but not now.
am i a shitty person for that?
but it is what it is.
i am going to miss therapist dude.
he is my reality check.
puts me back in the right direction when i go off....
he makes me hear things.
like it's not my fault james died.
i am not sure i will ever get over the guilt of taking james off life support.
therapist dude says i need to find someone in astoria.
look until i find a good connection like he and i have.
he wants me to keep seeing someone.
yesterday was alexander's first day of kindergarten.
he was SO excited. and happy.
i was excited and happy for him.
that is all he saw.
he had no idea that inside i was sad.
because james wasn't there to see alexander go off to kindergarten.
you know...truly...since james died i HAVE put the boys first.
even before james died the boys came first...but now?? even more so.
i put aside my feelings, to take care of theirs.
there are people in our life that are not capable of doing that.
and that is sad.
while alexander and E were at school i took that opportunity to take some of james' clothes out of our closet and donate them. it needed to be done. realistically i can't pack all of james' things. i would like to, and the boys would like me to. but it's not realistic. so while they were gone, so they wouldn't be distressed, i took an entire car load of james' things to goodwill. i am not done.
i can honeslty say me not making them feel better about what they have is the first time i have been like this. it is the first time i have been this strong in how i feel. i am not a mean person. but i am not over it. the fact they can't put their own emotions aside for the boys? that is just damn sad.
it's been an emotional few days which makes me crazy.
emotions suck. they are just so messy.
the closer i get to making this happen...i just have such mixed feelings.
happiness, excitement....but i also feel that sick to your stomach feeling. because even though i know it's crazy, i do feel like i am leaving james.


Anonymous said...

I found your blog through Ali Edward's right after James died. I have been following yours ever since. I have never posted any comments, but I wanted to share this with you.Something I recently read came to mind after I read your entry. In her memoir, Julia Child talks about selling their home after her husband had died. Many people talked about how sad she must have felt to let go of the house. Her reply was something along the lines that it was not the structure of the home that she would miss, that it was all the wonderful memories and the people that she shared them with that had meant everything to her. For me, I hold on to a lot of material things from those I loved who are now gone. As if holding on to that stuff is a way to hold on to the spirit or memories. When I read that, it really hit home. It is not about the possessions. It is about spirit. You cannot "leave James," despite the fact that it might feel that way right now. From the way it sounds, he is with you always and lives on in your boys...
Wishing you peace...and a good nights sleep..

Anonymous said...

Holy cow,

I don't know what people have said to you, or what advice they have imparted. What ever it is and was, how frustrating!

Having an autistic child, I get so much 'advice' from people on how to "better" handle his behaviors, quirks, and other issues. I look at them as if they are crazy. What? Come live my life for MORE THAN A FEW FRICKING DAYS.... come LIVE my life and see how insensitive the offerings and suggestions can be. How the suggestions and advice leaves a tone of judgement and connotation of failure.

People who have not been 'there' only can comment from a distant view point. For those of us in the situation, it can feel extremely judgmental and infuriating. That stinks... it makes me so angry at times. I live with an autistic child and a diabetic husband... You live without James.... beyond your control.

Keep following your heart and your goals! Rock on. Paint on. Move on! Do as you need! I am inspired by you capacity to swear and convey such emotions. What inspires me, though, does not matter. What matters is YOU and your BOYS.

For every person that sends such negative emails to you, may they live in your shoes and see what life is really like as a surviving spouse.

Rock on.... pack on.... do as you need! I feel blessed to see into your thoughts through your blog. Thank you for sharing....

Eva in Eugene

Marieke said...

Fuck 'm Kimberly, they are not worth your energy. I know there will always be a connection with them, cos that's just how it is but you do not need their approval to life YOUR life. The boys can always make their own decisions regarding these 'elements' when they are older. good for you for standing up to it. Let 'm have it. Fuck 'm all. They are not worthy.

Christi said...

K, a friend of mine used to have phone sessions with her therapist instead of office visits.
Maybe that's something Therapist Dude might be open to?

As for the rest of the people, I like what Marieke says. Eff 'em!!

James will always be with you and the boys no matter where you live. I have no doubt of that. Or that this is a wonderful opportunity for all of you.

Much love!