Thursday, November 19, 2009

time warp.

i haven't blogged in two weeks?!
unheard of.
but i haven't felt like it.
seriously not sure where the last two weeks went.
yesterday was alexander's birthday.
he turned 6.
he said the only thing that could have made his day better is if his daddy was still alive.
i have had this feeling.
a bad feeling.
and it just won't go away.
i often felt this way over the 10 years james was sick.
it meant he was getting worse.
it meant something bad was going to happen.
yes. i really truly do trust my instincts.
so this way i've been feeling......
it makes me uneasy.
i'm not sure why i'm feeling this way.
could be the 'i fucking can't sleep' thing is back and maybe i'm just ultra sensitive to life.
or.....uh....yeah. that feeling, it just won't. go away.
i wake up a million fucking times.
AND...yeah....there's an and. AND...i wake up at 5am. no alarm required.
i just fucken wake up.
there are things i miss.
when i think about them i can't breathe.
if i don't think about them i am fine.


QuirkyGirl said...

Trust your gut, Momma. I don't care if it sounds nuts to everyone else. Trust this. I get these too and sometimes I think it's God's way of giving us a heads up. Talk it out, out loud, to no one at all. Ask for some idea as to what's up and what you can do. See if you get any answers. The universe may surprise you. I know I know it sounds cra-zazy to ask questions out loud to no one in particular, but I do this. So I'm leading you off a cliff I haven't already jumped from myself. LOL. Even if you don't get anything back, sometimes it's just nice to get it out of your head.

I've missed you by the way.


mary said...

I hope your son had a happy birthday in spite of the loss. It is always bitter-sweet my youngest has his birthday in Nov. too second one w/o his dad. I understand the sleep thing I still take stuff to sleep I hate to wake up and not go back to sleep. Wishing you peace I know it is a hard gig.

Anonymous said...

I have worried about you... you are frequently on my thoughts, especially without the blogging for 2 weeks. I heard that the storm was quite something on the Oregon coast- I was thinking about you being at a beach enjoying the 50+ mph wind gusts. With the holidays just around the corner and knowing that so many memories will be rekindled for you and the boys, I can imagine it is a double-edged sword. I also wish you peace.... and hope you have someone you can connect with in Astoria.

take care

Eva in Eugene

Lisa said...

Trust your gut. I'm emailing you.

Hels said...

I am watching your blog everyday, hoping that you are safe and having a better day today. You are doing a fine job. I agree with quirkygirl, talk it out loud. Shouting with swearing works for me or singing madly to german heavy metal. I am hoping that you can find peace. You are doing an amazing job with your boys.