Thursday, September 10, 2009

nbvnbvcbvbxvb

another no photo post (which sucks).
not feeling artistic, or creative.
my closest friends are pulling away.
before i'm even gone.
makes me sad.
but it doesn't make me change my mind.
just makes me stronger in my resolve.
it reaffirms that i am doing the right thing for us.
that taking care of us...and us only...it is what i need to do.
i sing in the car. actually i rock out. and i don't care that people stare at me.
i don't do it for the attention. i would prefer people NOT stare at me. but whatever.
i do it because it is me.
i need music right now.
i am used to being the odd one out.
i prefer to do my own thing, not blend in with the crowd.
i don't go out of my way to be a freak (yeah, i know, you don't have to say anything to that)!!
apparently i'm a freak by nature. lol.. and i'm down with it.
i don't really care if i fit in.
i am trying to impart that to the boys.
it's a hard thing....kids naturally want to fit in.
i just want my kids to stand on their own.
to stand up for what they believe in (whatever that ends up being).
i am prearing myself.
to go to a new place.
where we know almost no one.
for what that will be like.
having no one to turn to.
might not even be able to call jan.
might just choose not to call her.
i think i have spent so much time hating it here i haven't really pictured in my mind what it will be like when i actually live somewhere where i don't hate it.
the move, selling my house, buying a new one...all the change that is about to take place...it is overwhelming.
dealing with my feelings about feeling like i'm leaving james....
yes, he will always be a part of me.
but this is harder than i thought it would be.
i am talking to the boys about it. a lot. every day.
the more we talk about it, the less scary it will be for them.
they know our plan, step by step.
yoga tonight.
and more ibuprofen.
then hopefully sleep (last night i barely slept at all and that just sucked)!

2 comments:

abfab74 said...

I was falling always
and now I'm falling this way
what will become of me?
when I'm all far away

I'm spinning down
I'm spinning up
upon this way
wondering what will become of me
when I'm all far away

I'm spinning down
I'm all away
a greater way

K- I never really know what to say, so I'll let Dave say it...although I'm sure you listened a million times before. You will find a greater way.

QuirkyGirl said...

Dude, I so love that your a freak. I'm such a TOTAL freak that it's not even funny, but the older I get the more I love that I am. Don't have to meet you in person to know we are some sort of kindred spirits. Your words tell me that, so personally, I'm diggin on the fact that it takes one to know one. Let that freak flag fly, Momma!