Monday, August 24, 2009


i have a thing for lighthouses.
like i have a thing for boats.
like i have a thing for the ocean.
this is north head lighthouse.
and it's beautiful.
6 more days and E begins 3rd grade.
2 weeks from today alexander begins kindergarten.
i wasn't sure i could survive the summer.
but i did.
the offer i put in on the new construction house has been accepted.
i'm flying back this weekend to meet with the builder and actually look at the property and some other houses he's built....basically to work out the details of our deal and make sure i like what i see.
estimated completion date is march 15th.
if my house sells sooner, rather than later, i'll rent a house in our new location until the new house is done.
trying to be true to who i am, what i want, and what is good for the boys.
if i am making a mistake, well.....i'll figure it out.
but at least i won't have just sat here....complaining...being unhappy.....doing nothing about it.
therapist dude said my episode on the beach was me dealing with some of my grief.
he said it's me, figuring out how to live without james.
feeling guilty about what i'm doing, feeling like i'm betraying james by trying to be happy.
by actually moving.
it's just something i've thought about for so long.
it seems almost surreal that it's actually happening.
therapist dude said to me, right in my face, i am doing nothing wrong.
james would want me to do this.
he asked me if james spoke to me on the beach.
i was like...uh...are you a crazy fucking person?
he said, kimberly, you know in your heart what james wants for you.
so tell me.
because he spoke to you on the beach.
he spoke through you, as you were walking that same path back and forth for two hours.
i don't like crying because it's a loss of control.
therapist dude says i keep things deep down, that i don't often let myself express emotion.
and when i do i see it as a sign of weakness.
he may be right. i do see crying as a sign of weakness (in me only)....NOT in other people.
in other people, i see it for what it is.
i feel strong emotion (all the fucking time), just rarely express it, especially when i'm around others.
you could look at me and have absolutely no idea i'm screaming on the inside.
or that i'm choking back emotion.
what you will see is someone smiling, being polite....breathing...pushing it all down...away....
how is it possible to feel excited AND so sad about something is beyond me.
but that's how i feel about moving.
excited to be leaving here.
but sad too, because this is the place we shared with james.
and dude.
i never EVER thought in a million years i would say i am sad about leaving here.
because yes. i hate it that much.
i feel like i am abandoning james.
therapist dude says that i am not.
i know i am not. that is stupid.
but emotions have a way of screwing up the logic.
therapist dude said to expect more freak outs as the move progresses.
oh. yay.
i told him i'm opting for the get drunk and forget all the shit plan.

1 comment:

Marieke said...

Emotions have a way to screw with the logic. Vodka in your water bottle should solve that shit. ;-)
Just keep putting one step in front of the other. You can do it. And don't forget to breath. You know it is right. James' spirit will gladly move with you guys.
Wishing your house to sell quickly so you can begin living this new chapter in your lives.
Oh and from one staunch girl to another: allowing others to break through your barriers feels so unnatural but a relief at the same time. You are worth to be loved.