Thursday, October 29, 2009


blogger won't let me upload a photo. fuck.
over the last week or so i've noticed myself changing.
becoming afraid.
afraid to say what's on my mind.
afraid to do what i want. when i want. how i want.
it's almost like i am afraid to become vested in this new place.
i feel excited (when up at the house, among other times).
i want to scream out the things that before all this crap happened, i would have had no problem doing.
but something is stopping me.
i fucking need therapist dude.
i am getting mother fucking pissed at not being able to paint.
being in the classroom today, generating excitement about painting, watching all those kids paint. it was pure.
i need that back.
what the fuck do i have to do to get it.


QuirkyGirl said...

Courge isn't the absence of fear, Momma. It's doing it anyway even though you're freaked the fuck out. The thing about kids is that their spirit is contageous. With some luck, hope, and prayer maybe what they have'll rub off on you. You teach them. They give back to you. Great universal lesson. Just a thought here: But do you think maybe the reason you don't want to be invested yet is because you're not in your actual house yet? Who want to invest in what's not permenate? Trick is to not let the NOT speaking out become the norm whilst waiting for normal to begin.

And about that cup of coffee....dude, I'm totally in! If ever I get to Oregon or you to Indiana it's a date. I already know what to order you....A mocha as hot as they can fucking make it ;)


Anonymous said...

I agree with QuirkyGirl.... a temporary home is NOT the same. When we first moved to Oregon I was living in a nice apartment while Andrew was trying to sell our house in California. I was stoked about being in Oregon, but feeling weirdly unsettled and stressed. Once we got into our own house (over 1 year later) things started to settle a bit.

It sucks.... what you have gone through more that sucks, but you are making the difference. Life is not happening to you... you moved and found a much better place for your family. Being the only adult making all the decisions can be so daunting, stressful and overwhelming. Are you having to make a ton of decisions about the house? With no other adult to bounce ideas off of, even your friend Jan, holy shit... this can cause huge stress.

Keep on trucking. Sip some good coffee, aim at a awesome beach and keep on blogging! Damn, you are a determined person.

Painting with kids- how cool! How many kids were in the class? What did they paint? Abstract?

Rock on!

Eva in Eugene

Marieke said...

Yep I agree with Quirky. You just wait until you're in your own place girl. The flood gates will open. No holding back then. If I wasn't so fucking concerned about what the rest of the world thinks of me and in order not to totally embarras my kids and because I have to make sure I keep my job I'm holding back far too much. But let me tell you I can feel the excitement building inside of me, waiting, ready to burst out. Only good things coming from it.
there's no better feeling than putting down your roots. Temporary accomodation is all very well but it is just not the same as your own. I don't know if it is the tension of the anticipation coupled with the promise of summer or what but I have this restlessness inside of me and I just know it is a good thing. I think I'm coming out on the other side and it is an awesome feeling.
Wishing you the same my friend.

mary said...

I am still remodeling my house and I cannot do anything I like to do either, except think about when I will do it again. I buy beads and think about what to do with them but I am way to agitated to sit long enough to design anything, I think about knitting when I can hardly count to 3.... I think though when I am done with my house I will be better.... I think when you get your place and can set up a comfort zone you to will feel better, it will be a place to heal and start fresh... I just realized about maybe a month ago I am not fixing this house for Chris and I, I am doing for me and the boys Chris is not coming back and never will so time to see things different. I don't always want to be sad and mad and I am sure you don't either but it is just the gig.... I am very sick of crying and always looking like shit because I have been crying, I know someday I won't have to cry so much. I did find your entry on facebook about kitchens. My biggest thing was a gas stove because I like to cook, also granite because I like rocks so those are the 2 places I did not skimp, I did look at a lot of book at home depot and lowes to get ideas. If you have a specific question maybe I can help. Hope all this makes cense it late.