Tuesday, September 15, 2009

11 days.

if i don't take photos, i forget.
where we've been.
what we've seen.
the boys' reactions to where we are.
i love this shot of E.
a kid, throwing a stick, there's just something carefree about that.
and that's what his life should be like at this age.
a few shots of the place we are moving to.
it's all strangely surreal to me.
it's like i won't believe it until i see it.
it somehow doesn't seem like it's really happening.
having told the boys' teachers that their last day will be the 25th, word is spreading.
apparently we are big news.
people need fucking lives.
people that i didn't think know who i am, know who i am.
and came up to me tonight at the spaghetti dinner (fund raiser for the boys' school).
apparently my reputation precedes me.
apparently someone's husband dying is still big news. this many months later?! really??!!
this shit is NOT following the boys to their new schools.
no one will know our circumstances.
we will be able to start fresh.
i am looking forward to that.
no one will walk up to me in the middle of alexander's classroom and tell me how sorry they are my husband died.
yes, i know he was trying to be polite.
but people don't get it.
that is a conversation to be had OUTSIDE the classroom in a private setting, not one where every kid (and parent) in the classroom can hear you.
school is supposed to be a 'safe' place for the boys.
not a place where they have to have their father's death put right back in their faces again.
so i didn't handle it well.
i looked at the dude and said, 'someone just kill me now', turned around and walked away.
he, of course, was floored. didn't understand my reaction.
therapist dude and i talked about this event.
he said, 'really? that's exactly what you said and did?'
people really don't get it (yes..i KNOW he was trying to be nice)...
but i don't want that shit brought to the school!!!
therapist dude laughed.
couldn't believe i actually said those words.
i told him, 'yeah, i know, i didn't handle it well.'
he said you know what?
you handled it fine.
you handled it how you handled it.
now move on.
feeling overwhelmed.
so so so much to do!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


way to go. I must admit that I would have no idea what to say to you in school.... the lenses in which we see people in our everyday lives is so fogged by our perceptions of how life 'should be'. My guess is that I would have talked to you about the kids, the weather, and other mundane crap. I suck an small talk... and HATE big social situations. LOL

I can only imagine his face. Yet, I pray he understands how what he said in front of the kids did violate a safety zone... a place where life is about being a child, not dealing with adult issues.

As a teacher I am often saddened by what students tell me about their lives. Deaths of a parent or sibling, parents in jail/prison, one in detox again for Meth and alcohol. Crap they should not have to deal with. They often have no safe place to talk about it. I don't push it, if they want to say something I am there to listen. When they don't want to talk, I still listen and follow their lead on topics.

11 days.... a redefining of you and your kids, a little rain, a real beach, and some damn cold winter weather! Canon Beach, just south of you, is a great place for camping and exploring a beach and safe creek. You will so thrive....

11 days girl... you can do it! you are strong, you are determined and you are intelligent and capable.

Rock on!

E in Eugene (after a totally F'd day)