today i....

fired a realtor.
hired a new one.
put 10,000 gallons of eye drops in my eyes.
allergies suck.
broke my glasses.
pissed off pretty much everyone who wasn't already pissed at me.
helped jan.
it's a nice change from her constantly helping me.
got angry with james' mom.
i just shake my head on that one.
it is mind blowingly unbelievable.
got my house ready to show in the morning.
made airline reservations.
made car rental reservations.
laughed my ass off while jan and i were trying to put up shelves in her garage.
put strain on a friendship (i'm not talkin about my friendship with jan here).
and i'm not sure the friendship is strong enough to take it.
got angry about all the judgment coming my way about the move.
the more i think about it, the angrier get.
but i'm going to let that shit go.
i am doing what i think is right for me. and for the boys. period. the end.
it's scary fucken shit...moving somewhere where i know almost no one.
where i will have no support/help.
where i am responsible for everything!
my dislike of where i currently live outweighs the fear.
apparently.
because i am motivating.
actually doin this.
why does friendship have to be so difficult.
why can't it just...be.
let it fucken be and go with it.
just fucking let it roll.
i can't pretend to be something that i am not.
someone i am not.
i just can't.
you either like it...or not.
i don't have to fucking answer to anyone.
so why do i feel i fucken have to explain myself TO everyone.
wtf.
it pisses me off that people are trying to crush the little bit of happy i feel about moving.
there is a lot to this.
fear, anxiety, happiness, hope, sadness...did i mention fear?
i'm pretty scared at what it will be like once we're there.
what if i am just as miserable there as i am here.
then what.
will i ever be open to starting again?
even the thought of that feels like a betrayal to james.
i have thought about this. for hours. and hours.
if i had been the one that died, i would 100% with all my heart want james to find hapiness again. if that meant moving somewhere else....
eventually finding someone else to love...
but i can't even fathom that.
what i just typed literally brought tears to my eyes.
and we all know i fucken hate to cry.
am sick of that shit.
when will it all just go away?!
will i ever not feel guilty about feeling a little bit of happy?
still feeling way fucking on overload.
but i'm about to go give it up.
time for yoga.
a peaceful mind.
quiet breathing.
some killer poses.