Monday, December 07, 2009

i never claimed to be a good mom.

for many years i did not want to have children.
james didn't either.
then, somehow, (and at the same time i might add), we both decided we wanted kids.
i am not your typical mom.
i hate playing games with my kids.
i am ferociously protective of my kids.
if i don't know you, do NOT fuck with my kids.
but there are things i have noticed that other moms love to do, that i do not.
being a mother is a constant struggle for me.
on one hand, i love my boys more than anything.
on the other, for so many years, i put everything into them, being here for them.
and it sort of sucked the life out of me.
that was part of the reason for my trip to thailand.
to get away.
not be a mom.
to hang with my girl peeps.
to paint, create and make blissful art....
and then, of course, right before i was scheduled to leave, james died.
that, of course, changed my perspective on life.
all the things i 'thought' were making my life so difficult...yeah. whatever.
those things suddenly became no big deal.
my boys once again became 100% the focus of my life (they needed so so so so much from me after james died). and they still do.
so now....about a year later....i once again find myself struggling with being a mom and then still finding time to just be me.
finding time to focus on something else.
to seriously just NOT be a mom, worrying about two little boys.....making sure they have what they need. and let me tell you. they need a lot.
kids are constant non-stop never-ending care, love, support blah blah blah.
i am feeling a little burned out.
and i'm kinda pissed at myself because now i want a real tree.
but i really really really don't feel like buying one, dragging it home and decorating it.
but then i worry that maybe i'm taking away from the joy and happiness the boys feel over christmas.
can you say neurosis??
i am so damn tired.
so fucking low on energy.
so fucking sad sometimes.
really happy at other times.
i know, as a single mom, i will never ever find any kind of balance.
i guess i should just give in to that and let it roll.
maybe that will help my perspective!


QuirkyGirl said...

I love your courage. You may not see it as that, but it is courage to say you struggle with the mom bit. I do too. It's not that I don't want my kids, or wish I didn't have them. I can't imagine them not being there. It's not that I'm a selfish person. I'm not. I'm constantly looking out for everyone else. It's just that who I am as a singular being makes this mom thing a challenge for me. Writers, artists, musicians, we're a strange lot and often the things that suck the creative out of us leaves us with these types of feelings. I'm glad you said it out loud. It's nice to hear that I'm not such a colossal prick if someone else can understand.

Marieke said...

Amen sister, amen.
I can so relate to everything you've written. I feel so bad for just wanting some space, some time for myself. I love them fiercely but the single mom thing has seriously distroyed any chance on giving in to the creative urge. It's there, simmering underneath all the guilt, the doubt, the frustration and the love over them but I can't act on it and it's killing me slowly. There is always something else that is more urgent than time just for me.

Anonymous said...

TOTALLY understand you!!! TOTALLY!!

Anonymous said...


there are a lot of people who thrive on being a mom. They live and breathe being a mom and identify themselves through that role. There are those of us who are not this way and struggle with whether it is 'right or wrong' to wish for our own identity. I am a mother, but I do relish in the every element of it. I need my photography, I need a sense of myself. I wonder if it is due a hard childhood or what, but it is the way I am. Perhaps it has something to do with having a child with special needs as well. Either way, it is what it is.

Rock on... being yourself is what your kids need. That is how they know you.

ps- do you want me to come down over New Years or just before? We could do that over the holiday if you are in town that week!