Friday, December 11, 2009

i am a firm believer.

i am a firm believer in appreciating what you have, when/while you have it.
do what you want.
sometimes that's hard.
do it anyway.
i am a firm believer in karma.
what goes around comes around.
there are a lot of assholes in this world. just sayin.
treat people well.
we soak up the energy of those around us.
most of my emotion remains inside.
you won't see it on my face.
i laugh, and smile....
but the real emotion.....i prefer to keep it deep inside.
but sometimes emotion escapes.
mostly it's when i'm tired, frustrated....and i have just absolutely had fucking enough.
i still haven't learned how to answer the inevitable question.
and what does your husband do?
no one expects you to say he's dead.
pretty much everyone assumes you're divorced.
clearly they don't know me very well.
i'm not a negative person.
i sometimes wish i was able to show more emotion on the outside, instead of just feeling it all on the inside and dealing with it 'later'.
it builds up.
and grabs hold of me at inopportune times.
which pisses me off.
death is a beautiful part of life?
i'm not buyin' it.
i am not over it.
sometimes it feels as if i am living my life with a great big hole in it.
i am afraid.
i am lucky and i fully realize this.
and i absolutely try to never take anything for granted.
i am hoping one day to get my shit together.
to be able to paint again.
to be be less afraid again.
and i am trying my mother fucking best not to be sad right now.
to make this a good christmas for the boys.
we (the three of us)....we are enough.
we are all we have.
and we are enough.
when i decided to move here, i knew it would go one of two ways.
either the boys and i will be super duper close...or....uh....yeah. we won't.
because they are all i have.
and i am all they have.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You hit the nail on the head. Who ever said death was "God's Plan" or something you get over- is a person in denial. The death of a spouse and a parent causes huge holes that cause lives to unravel. Living with a spouse that has a life-threatening illness is terrifying for a child, not to mention the spouse. "God's Plan"? WTF? Plan to cause so much pain in a child's entire life? WTF? There is no plan that is being controlled by a higher being. A plan that sets a time for the death of someone... that would be sadistic, torture, and cruel. My son's life has been very hard- how do you explain to a young child that Daddy is having a seizure because he is almost dead from low-blood sugars? That Mommy is doing things to save his life and that he is mad at himself for something that he couldn't prevent?

I imagine your boys have had their fair share of experiences. It changes their own expectations of life. What a monumental step you have taken to move to a new area, to give them their innocence again. The courage... and balls..... you rock! It is not the baking of cookies and desire to be the 'all American mom" that makes a great parent, it is knowing when to make sacrifices and choices for your family that you family needs WHEN they need it. You did this and continue to do so every day. THis while taking care of yourself and figuring out your own path and needs. Holy Shit!

Not many people understand the sense of how temporary any situation is until they have a spouse, themselves, or a child with a serious illness. One where it requires another family member to be a caregiver or 'aware' enough to get medical help when necessary. Then to deal with the death.

Even though I live with that reality in my life, I am unsure of what to say to someone that I just met. I have no idea what to say... so I ask about the husband, or as such. I am NOT a natural communicator... I HATE social situations because I have to think about everything because I tend to say the wrong things.

What you have written, though, makes me pause and think about how I meet new people, especially parents of kids in my classroom. I have been given the gift of insight... how I can better start a conversation so it really focuses on the kids, not a generic conversation starter that can open such wounds.

Your words remind me of wounds.... ones that others can't really see, but somehow sense are there. Perhaps they don't sense it at all. The wounds are getting reopened again and again, and shit, that hurts. Healing in any way is excruciating when the wound is torn again and again.

Maybe a shirt that says it all, "Death Sucks, don't ask!" ? or WTF?

Rock on!