E's first day of 3rd grade.
he was apprehensive.
he did not want to go.
but he did.
wearing his cons.
one of the hardest things is what has been taken from the boys.
james was not there today.
and E wanted him to be.
therapist dude told me i'm shitty at accepting a compliment.
then he laughed and said, 'you know, i don't cuss at all my patients.'
which made me laugh.
then he said, 'i'm going to pretend to be you. only i don't have a fucking sailor mouth so i'll leave out all the bad words.'
which made me laugh again.
he told me i am making things happen.
he says i make it look effortless and he is amazed by that.
that surprised me (the make it look effortless part).
because i feel like i don't know what the hell i am doing.
i am full of self-fucking doubt.
there is too much i don't know about selling a house.
buying a house.
having a house built...what i should and shouldn't do in that regard.
what's best for resale vs. what's best for our needs at this time.
he told me to try to see it from his perspective.
feeling guilt about moving is something i did not anticipate.
and it is totally pissing me off.
therapist dude says that guilt is unwarranted. misplaced. misguided.
he says i am dealing with the aftermath and doing what i think is best for me and the boys.
honestly (and i've been thinking a lot about this)....
i think i am afraid to not feel guilty.
because if i don't feel guilty it will be almost like admitting i am able to go on with my life.
maybe more that i WANT to go on with my life.
and i do.
i just really didn't anticipate how it would feel to do it.
it wasn't my choice....but i am now able to picture something without james.
that just makes me feel bad.
not much sleep in the last few days.
quick trip to astoria over the weekend.....
i'll talk more about that later.
right now i am tired.
and i'm going to bed soon.