Monday, August 31, 2009

therapist dude made me laugh today.

E's first day of 3rd grade.
he was apprehensive.
he did not want to go.
but he did.
wearing his cons.
right on.
one of the hardest things is what has been taken from the boys.
james was not there today.
and E wanted him to be.
therapist dude told me i'm shitty at accepting a compliment.
uh...fucking duh!
then he laughed and said, 'you know, i don't cuss at all my patients.'
which made me laugh.
then he said, 'i'm going to pretend to be you. only i don't have a fucking sailor mouth so i'll leave out all the bad words.'
which made me laugh again.
he told me i am making things happen.
he says i make it look effortless and he is amazed by that.
that surprised me (the make it look effortless part).
because i feel like i don't know what the hell i am doing.
i am full of self-fucking doubt.
there is too much i don't know about selling a house.
buying a house.
having a house built...what i should and shouldn't do in that regard.
what's best for resale vs. what's best for our needs at this time.
he told me to try to see it from his perspective.
feeling guilt about moving is something i did not anticipate.
and it is totally pissing me off.
therapist dude says that guilt is unwarranted. misplaced. misguided.
he says i am dealing with the aftermath and doing what i think is best for me and the boys.
honestly (and i've been thinking a lot about this)....
i think i am afraid to not feel guilty.
because if i don't feel guilty it will be almost like admitting i am able to go on with my life.
maybe more that i WANT to go on with my life.
and i do.
i just really didn't anticipate how it would feel to do it.
it wasn't my choice....but i am now able to picture something without james.
that just makes me feel bad.
not much sleep in the last few days.
quick trip to astoria over the weekend.....
i'll talk more about that later.
right now i am tired.
and i'm going to bed soon.


Christi said...

you are making things happen
you are slowly trying to keep moving forward, keep living, keep your boys happy and healthy

seriously, you should ask Therapist Dude if you can continue to work with him by phone when you move.

Marieke said...

I agree with Christi. It would be a shame to lose therapist dude. He seems a good guy.
Moving forward, forward motion. I think you have no choice. Because if you stop it would be like you stopped "being". It would paralize you. You might drown. I know I would in your situation... You're doing good K. Let it happen. Let life unfold.

QuirkyGirl said...

I'm jealous as hell of E's chucks. I can't wear mine anymore and since they don't come in half sizes new ones don't fit either. How the hell am I suppose to function without chucks? answer me that?

Leah said...

love the back to school pics!
and I love me some chucks...E is so cool and you can tell him I said that!
I know I say this all the time...but I am so proud of you and all of the things you do to keep on keeping on!