we are back.

loved the christmas message in the middle of all the greenery.

on the road. so many bridges. love that.

cape sebastian (a very beautiful beach).

part of the harbor in brookings.

me and alexander.

and of course me and E.

this trip was so many things for me.

it was hard to make myself go. i seem to feel paralyzed with fear. but i forced myself. packed up the car. and made myself go.

i was scared.

scared something would happen (flat tire...that we would get stranded).

i just wasn't sure i was ready.

i have a history of wander lust. i used to get in the car and go (all the time, long before i even met james). then after we met, the two of us used to do it together. then when we had kids...and after the virus attacked his heart...well...life sort of changed. and we didn't do that so much. oh how i have missed it. the freedom. just getting in the car and going. making no plans.

i didn't get us lost. i found places to stay. the boys had fun. they were fairly well behaved (we spent about 24 hours driving in the last four days). that was a lot for them.

for me it was extremely emotional. it felt good (once i got over my fear) to just be out on the road, driving. i love to think when i drive and to listen to music. so we would jam to music for an hour, then the boys could watch something. then we'd jam...then they could watch something again.

listening to music helps me feel....i know that may sound strange. but it's true. it helps me feel things....when normally i can't. not sure how to explain it. music touches me. it also carries me away. i can groove (while driving...dance in my seat)...think...feel....and not think. or think. it's a huge jumbled up combination....it just helps. i have been relying heavily on music lately. right now i have pandora up on the computer and i'm jammin'.

didn't have much time to just sit on the beach. we were too busy trying to get as far north and see what we could see before we had to turn around and head back)...after all....E does have school tomorrow. though i contemplated keeping him out a day and driving one more day. but in the end, i didn't want to over-do it with the boys. so we came home today.

it was sort of liberating. i'm a little bit proud of myself for doing it. not that it's a great big huge accomplishment....but if you had been feeling anything close to what i have for the last almost three months...you might think it's a big deal. i have never ever felt like this in my life before. so bad. just so so so so bad.

i wake up feeling full of dread. just so unhappy. and it never goes away. well...it sort of went away while we were on this trip...well, not really...but it was different. i was able to take a deep breath. i was able to think. it was just so good not to be here, in this house.

driving home today, the closer we got to 'home' the worse i began to feel. is it because the house is empty....because james isn't here? or is it because i really do hate living here? and i am ready to move? is it all of that? i don't know. am i just a psychotic mess and i really don't need to move....but i think i do??? i just don't know. but what i do know is that it felt good to be doing something. anything. i know that whatever i do, it won't be easy. and i may make a mistake. but i am beginning to think that would be better than doing nothing.

moving is complicated. i have no job, how do i buy another house? no bank is going to want to loan money to me. E is afraid. how will i feel once i leave this house? this house we shared with james. how will it feel to be totally and wholly alone (no friends where we move to). who will i call if i need help. can i handle the loneliness? will the loneliness be any worse wherever we go than it is here? i just don't know.

i decided i rely too heavily on jan and dan. so i have quit. i've made myself pull away. i'm just going to have to rely on myself 100% and that's it.

i could easily fall back into a pattern of emotionless days. of getting E to school, caring for alexander, feeling nothing. except for the complete and utter grief that washes over me frequently. violently. and without warning. i either feel nothing...or i feel so so so bad i don't think i can take it.

overall the trip was good. it was needed. it has left me emotionally exhausted. but at least i did something. i mean...seriously...the range of emotions i have been through in the last four days is astounding. well...to me it is, anyway.

next on my agenda? perhaps another little trip over E's spring break (in april). april is far away....but at least it's another small step. i just know i can't continue to live like this. something HAS to change.