bodega bay is a beautiful place. i'd post pics...but...uh...yeah...my laptop won't read my cam stick (for whatever reason).
the waves are HUGE.
the ocean is violent.
the sound of the waves crashing....it was so loud...i love that sound. that and the sound a buoy makes. two of my favorite sounds.
i stood in the water as a wave crashed around me and the water rushing back to meet the next wave almost took me with it. and it was freaking awesome. it literally left me dizzy. watching the water rush up toward me, then back with such strength. it was wild. it was amazing.
went for a walk on the beach.
breathed. deep breaths. the kind that center you. if that makes any sense. it does to me.
i didn't cry. crying sucks. i sometimes think it is a waste of energy. i just let my mind wander aimlessly...sometimes thinking about james...me and james...sometimes thinking about absolutely trivial and useless things.
it is only now, that the boys are asleep...and i am not....this not being able to sleep thing sucks so much ass....seriously....
but it is now, that i am awake and the boys are not that i feel sad. i sort of feel like all my forward momentum stops late at night...i'm just sitting...not sleeping...and it sort of all catches up with me.
i'm tired of feeling sad. so effing tired of feeling sad. i am glad we came here. spending time at the beach...the ocean....it is so much better than sitting at home. we are out. doing things. living life...trying to find our way...as lame as that sounds. i so hate fluffy sentiment. it makes me go...ICK.
in the morning we're off to walk across the golden gate bridge.
and eat crab.
i hope i am showing the boys how to live with passion. to live fully. which isn't so easy right now (for me)....but i know it's what james would want. he would want the boys to be happy...he would expect me to right their world. as much as i can.
james was my balance. i miss that. i miss him righting me. making me see things from a different perspective...from a better perspective...he was so much nicer than i am. seriously.
now i'm off to watch a movie on my laptop then hopefully get some sleep.