pomegranate martinis. yum. had a few at kathryn's 40th surprise bday party tonight. then tuffy (yes...that is his name, he was a firefighter) told me about red bull and vodka. holy shit. why didn't i try that sooner.
many people offered to drive me home. which was nice. so i didn't have to worry about how many drinks i had. sweet. it was, however, difficult to see many of the people i haven't seen since james' service. with everyone giving my questioning looks, coming up to 'hug' me...see if i'm okay. of course i'm okay. what the hell else am i gonna be. and people were watching me. i felt very on display. not everyone was...but some were. and the truth is...i really don't give a crap what people think. i just don't. it doesn't matter. i'll live my life how i want. admittedly, however, this is taking some getting used to after having been married for almost 18 years. i'm not quite sure how to explain it. it's just that i don't have anyone i have to discuss things with anymore....no one else to take into consideration (other than the boys). it's just so different now.
definitely still grooving on caffeine, sugar, no sleep and loud music (it's 12:30am and i'm not the slightest bit tired). kind of a bummer when the alcohol/caffeine buzz wears off...because yes...it IS wearing off....and yes people...it was nice while it lasted. kathryn had a photo of us (me, james and the boys) up on her wall that i hadn't seen before and it literally brought me to tears in an instant. and i am so sick of that shit. i want to move on with my life. i need to. i just want to wake up and for one day.....just one day...not to feel like complete and total crap.
someone said to me a few days ago, 'what do you want your life to be like'. and i've been thinking about that ever since. i want to live by the ocean. i want to paint (and make money doing it). i want to live somewhere the boys will be safe. i would like to not feel so empty and like there is something missing from my life.
i know the boys and i will be okay. because i will make us okay. we have this huge hole in our lives.....and nothing or no one will ever fill it up. it will be there always. but i don't think that means we can't go on...and change our lives. because that's what i think we need to do. when we move, i have no idea how different our lives will be, i just know they will be different. and i think that's a good thing.