Thursday, January 08, 2009

red bull, vodka and more bad language.

another painting.

pomegranate martinis. yum. had a few at kathryn's 40th surprise bday party tonight. then tuffy (yes...that is his name, he was a firefighter) told me about red bull and vodka. holy shit. why didn't i try that sooner.

many people offered to drive me home. which was nice. so i didn't have to worry about how many drinks i had. sweet. it was, however, difficult to see many of the people i haven't seen since james' service. with everyone giving my questioning looks, coming up to 'hug' me...see if i'm okay. of course i'm okay. what the hell else am i gonna be. and people were watching me. i felt very on display. not everyone was...but some were. and the truth is...i really don't give a crap what people think. i just don't. it doesn't matter. i'll live my life how i want. admittedly, however, this is taking some getting used to after having been married for almost 18 years. i'm not quite sure how to explain it. it's just that i don't have anyone i have to discuss things with one else to take into consideration (other than the boys). it's just so different now.

definitely still grooving on caffeine, sugar, no sleep and loud music (it's 12:30am and i'm not the slightest bit tired). kind of a bummer when the alcohol/caffeine buzz wears off...because IS wearing off....and yes was nice while it lasted. kathryn had a photo of us (me, james and the boys) up on her wall that i hadn't seen before and it literally brought me to tears in an instant. and i am so sick of that shit. i want to move on with my life. i need to. i just want to wake up and for one day.....just one day...not to feel like complete and total crap.

someone said to me a few days ago, 'what do you want your life to be like'. and i've been thinking about that ever since. i want to live by the ocean. i want to paint (and make money doing it). i want to live somewhere the boys will be safe. i would like to not feel so empty and like there is something missing from my life.

i know the boys and i will be okay. because i will make us okay. we have this huge hole in our lives.....and nothing or no one will ever fill it up. it will be there always. but i don't think that means we can't go on...and change our lives. because that's what i think we need to do. when we move, i have no idea how different our lives will be, i just know they will be different. and i think that's a good thing.


Violet said...

You're bad-ass... and I dig it!

I personally vote for you moving to Astoria... BEAUTIFUL. And, they shot The Goonies there. Can't go wrong with that.

Have a good Friday, ok?


Michelle Springer said...

i LOVE Red Bull and vodka! Maybe we should drink a few toether. This year perhaps?! ;)

Lisa said...

Red Bull and vodka huh? Never would have thought of that combo either.
You are working it out girl...painting, words, red all works.

Patrice~ said...

damn, girl!
whatever it takes, hit it!!
your creations are
simply amazing, of course . . .

Rachael said...

Hi, I found your blog from Emily's and have been reading it since....
Gosh I can't even imagine how you get through the day, I can't imagine how I would function in the same situation.
Do whatever helps so long as you are safe. I'm afraid I'd have been one of those people giving you a hug the other night and I don't even know you.