Monday, January 12, 2009

got a lot done today.

another painting. just messing around, not trying to create great art.

working on a painting of a boat...having i walked away for a couple days. i'll come back to it. i'll change one thing and the painting will all the sudden work. it'll come together. love when that happens. i hope it does.

working on another painting (similar to the one i posted yesterday) but in different colors. it's gray, black, white and yellow oxide (which is a mustard color). it's an actual stretched canvas and is 11x14. i'll have to take a photo when i'm done. to big and clunky to scan.

grooving to R.E.M. (low low low). diggin' it.

then it's back to spanish music for a while. then jack johnson again.

friend of mine sent me a little treat in the mail. christina, you effing rock.

getting some things done.

bills paid (online bill pay rocks).

organizing the loft (where i paint..where the desktop printer...scanner...sewing machine).

but...this means i'm having to go through some of james' things. which is hard. the desk, where i'm sitting now...was his. i mean, it was ours...but it was his. it was his space.

i'm feeling the need for organization. which is weird. because my work table and easel (where i ctually paint)...are a total disaster. and always are. but the rest of the loft? i want it under control. i'm such a fucking nut job.

still jamming to music every second i am awake.

still consuming massive amounts of caffeine and not sleeping much. duh.

hating late late at night. but liking it fucking not job. that's when i paint...and know i have some time to myself (boys are in bed). but it's also when i miss james oh so much. if he were still alive i would still be up late at night by myself (dudes with heart probs have to go to bed early)...but at least i would know he would be in bed when i got there.

life is what you make it. i am trying to find my way out of this. i know i will.

i want to be in control of my life. not always waiting for something or someone else.

when james died i thought i might never be able to paint again.

it's strange that painting is what i've been immersing myself so deeply into lately. that i can still do it.

hating silence.

seeing the future. seeing me, and the a nice little house with a little front yard...a little back yard....near the water. rebuilding a life.


clare b said...

*happy tears*... honestly, you rock! This post is fantastic... I can see you bopping out to music while you work. And - I love the picture you described of the little house for you and the boys.

Lisa said...

Happy tears is right

Just that you can imagine yourself in a good place down the road nakes my hear all kinds of happy for you

And that you are painting...OMG are you painting. It's all just pouring out of you and onto the canvas.

Wowzers...I just had some great visual imagery from that idea.

Jam on sister-friend...little by little you will find your way back to a place that is good for you. and the boys

Patrice~ said...

look at you go, girl!
amazing . . .

Misty said...

For real? I mean I JUST talked to you and you said you wanted to paint some more yesterday...and then the next day....BAM, it's here. You are blowin' my mind lady. Beautiful.