since i don't have james to talk to about anything...and everything...i'm using my blog as a place to put the random things that run through my brain.
before i die i want to make love to these two chris isaak songs:
in the heat of the jungle
i want to lose myself in an all-encompassing sort of way.
this last week i have felt self-destructive (just a little, please no one freak out). i want as much caffeine as i can consume. all i want is coffee (with caffeine), soda (with caffeine), candy (chocolate mostly) and to stay up all night listening to music. i feel like getting drunk (i haven't done it...but i'd like to). i don't want to sleep. i want to do things i should not do (like smoke, and i don't smoke). while these things aren't truly all that self-destructive, i have a 100% completely addictive personality and i can see myself fading away. it's hard to reconcile this part of me with the part that must not do these things...but instead must care for the boys. it's hard to self-destruct when you have to make three square meals a day, wash children, get homework done, be lovng...read story and tuck children in.
i am afraid i am losing more of myself if that's even possible...and everything is going to the boys. my life is all about caring for them, getting them through this terrible time in their lives....there is nothing for me. maybe this is just part of the grieving process, i have no clue. i've never done this before. but holy fuck i hope this part of it goes away....that i manage to hold on until i get through this. because i can see myself doing something i shouldn't.
the loneliness is almost unbearable. oh, friends can be there...call you up, spend 10 minutes on the phone. but late at night...every single night...when you are by yourself...no one to be close to, to share your intimate thoughts with....that is when it's almost more than i can take.
my mind is clearer now. i am going to move. don't know where to yet, but i can't stay here. i just can't. not because i am running. because i have been unhappy living here for too long. now there is no reason for me to stay. i will support E, help him adjust....get him through it. i have to go.
i felt semi-human during our roadtrip. it's when we got closer to 'home'...that i just started to be filled with....such a heaviness. it's like i get a glimmer of hope while driving, stopping whenever, wherever....just having some freedom. then when it's gone i am left with the horrible feelings. i may be trying to justify the move to myself, because i know it will be hard on the boys (especially E).....i don't know.