Monday, January 05, 2009

uncensored. contains bad language (so don't read if that offends you).

since i don't have james to talk to about anything...and everything...i'm using my blog as a place to put the random things that run through my brain.

before i die i want to make love to these two chris isaak songs:
in the heat of the jungle
wicked game
i want to lose myself in an all-encompassing sort of way.

this last week i have felt self-destructive (just a little, please no one freak out). i want as much caffeine as i can consume. all i want is coffee (with caffeine), soda (with caffeine), candy (chocolate mostly) and to stay up all night listening to music. i feel like getting drunk (i haven't done it...but i'd like to). i don't want to sleep. i want to do things i should not do (like smoke, and i don't smoke). while these things aren't truly all that self-destructive, i have a 100% completely addictive personality and i can see myself fading away. it's hard to reconcile this part of me with the part that must not do these things...but instead must care for the boys. it's hard to self-destruct when you have to make three square meals a day, wash children, get homework done, be story and tuck children in.

i am afraid i am losing more of myself if that's even possible...and everything is going to the boys. my life is all about caring for them, getting them through this terrible time in their lives....there is nothing for me. maybe this is just part of the grieving process, i have no clue. i've never done this before. but holy fuck i hope this part of it goes away....that i manage to hold on until i get through this. because i can see myself doing something i shouldn't.

the loneliness is almost unbearable. oh, friends can be you up, spend 10 minutes on the phone. but late at night...every single night...when you are by one to be close to, to share your intimate thoughts with....that is when it's almost more than i can take.

my mind is clearer now. i am going to move. don't know where to yet, but i can't stay here. i just can't. not because i am running. because i have been unhappy living here for too long. now there is no reason for me to stay. i will support E, help him adjust....get him through it. i have to go.

i felt semi-human during our roadtrip. it's when we got closer to 'home'...that i just started to be filled with....such a heaviness. it's like i get a glimmer of hope while driving, stopping whenever, wherever....just having some freedom. then when it's gone i am left with the horrible feelings. i may be trying to justify the move to myself, because i know it will be hard on the boys (especially E).....i don't know.


Heather Smith said...


I found your blog from Ali Edwards... From the first moment of reading I was touched to the deepest part of my soul by your story and what you were going through. I can understand all that you say... and it is not that I have gone through the hell that you are going through but maybe as women we just understand each other. that without having experienced the exact same thing we understand on a deeper level. Tonight you talked about those dark, late moments where you are alone with the boys asleep and you don't want to sleep and you feel so alone... but we are all here with you... Out here in the darkness of the internet we are with you on your journey. so in some odd sort of way you are never alone as long as you keep sharing your journey with all of us. I know that we are all praying for the day when your journey has more light than dark, more peace than tourment and more happiness than joy. I don't know if there is anything more that we can do out here than be with you as you continue to share... Please believe that day will come... I promise that it will...

Violet said...

It sounds like you soul is rebuilding.. very painfully and slowly. It's almost like it is trying to grow a new skin after having the last one ripped of so brutally.

I don't think that moving and starting fresh is a bad thing at all... I actually think it's good one. You've just had all but two of the littest leaves ripped of you and now you need some sun to try and bloom again. E. will do well, he'll probably just need some adjustment time and someway to bring a little piece of what his old life use to be with him. Just because you have the boys the boys does not mean that you need to be unhappy. It's like when you'e in a plane crash -- you must put your little mask on and give yourself oxygen before helping those with you... It's time to breathe, girlfriend.

Marieke said...

Now if you really, really wanted to get away as far as possible I know this quaint little island on the other side of the world.... j/k - sort of.
Okay I'm going to say something here that may not go down so well but perhaps you could consider doing another road trip earlier than April? E could get some work from school perhaps and you could spend a week or more on the road? Thinking, searching, whatever. Or could you go by yourself? Would your mom come for a week and look after the boys? Would she be capable? Just thinking out loud. I think you need some time alone. Time to grieve by yourself, uninterrupted. Try and start the healing process. I know it is hard. Desperation is a very dark and ugly place to be indeed. I know I cannot begin to compare my circumstances with yours but yet I know about the grief that comes in waves. And it keeps coming. Unexpected. Out of nowhere. For me the smallest of things can set it off and it will inter-connect with so many other things from my life past and present and increase in force tenfold. Overwhelming. Drowning. Anyway not telling you anything new there now am I? Hold on Kimbely. Hold on and ride it out. You'll come out the other end eventually.

(I've finally subscribed to your blog, duh rather than you having to re-hash everything in PM's. *slapping myself on the head.)

Carrie Kalmar said...

I have been following your blog for awhile and want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think about you and the boys often.
I think what you are going through it totally normal. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will get through it. It's all part of the grieving process.
I have not been in your situation, but was a single mom for years and you have to take time for yourself. Especially with all of your emotions and pain, you need to lean on your family and friends and make time for just you.
I hope you know that you have a lot of friends out here thinking about you and praying for you.

Michelle T said...


I have also been following your blog since you lost James and on12/27/2008 I lost my husband suddenly and I have two small children who are 8 and 9 years old. Reading your older posts on your blog has helped me to know that I am not alone with what I have been going through the last week and a half, for me everything is like an open cut, but I felt compelled to post, as I really think that you are such a strong person and I just wanted to let you know that there are those of us that find out here your blog posts so helpful and inspiring.

erin said...

while i do not know you, i've been following your posts since your husband's passing. a dear friend of mine, michelle, just lost her husband, and i hope she finds her way to you.
you're always in my prayers.

Christi said...

I think a move would be good for all of you. It's something you were thinking about for a long time and maybe it would help? That's my wish for you, my friend, for 2009. Much love

Leah said...

I :heart: chris
oh, did I just write that??
you know where you should have not been happy living there so why should you stay? E will adjust...he is young, they are very resiliant!
just a few weeks ago I almost I almost stopped at the gas station and got some cigs...and I'm not a smoker either! I told some girls at the gym and they said if I was going to smoke, I might as well smoke the good stuff...just thought I would pass that along!
love you much

Patrice~ said...

nothing ventured, nothing gained.

ps: I'm a real pro at packing boxes . . . hee.