Saturday, January 10, 2009

love the color midnight blue.

painted this today. it's in my etsy shop here.
i want to let go of all of this sadness.
but i think i'm scared that if i do, it will be as if i am letting go of james and what our life meant together.
because i think my life will go in such a different direction now.
cannot get enough jack johnson.
the smell of gesso, canvas and paint....there is nothing like it.
still consuming massive amounts of caffeine.
and wanting to consume massive amounts of alcohol.
had a couple of hours to myself today. it was effing awesome. i painted (duh). i sat. and breathed. i listened to music. i ran some errands (bought a new paintbrush, some canvas and stretcher bars). my favoriate brush had a little accident the other night. i fucked around with sewing machine until i figured out what was wrong with it.
currently listening to sting (shape of my heart). it's mellow. full of feeling. i need that. for 5 minutes. then i'll be back to wanting it loud and rocking.
CANNOT get enough music.
so so so tired of feeling this way. just want it to go away.
trying to be thankful for every little bit of peace i feel, every deep breath i can take. for every single second i can laugh and/or smile...for every email i receive that helps me forget (at least for a few minutes).


Violet said...

No! Letting go of the sadness is like celebrating James' life! You SO know that James wants you to be happy. You know that he wants your boys to have a smiling Mom, not one that sad more often than not! He'd want you to blast that music and dance around your studio, flicking paint everywhere and feeling that joy! It's horrific that James is gone, but the essence of him, what he stood for and what made him happy, will never leave as long as you keep it alive.

I know you want to, but you'll never be able to forget what has happened. You will only be able to be more at peace with it. What you do and how you act now will forever shape the boy's lives and their outlooks on life. Let James live on through that! Raise those boys the way that you and James wanted to. Just because he's not here, doesn't mean that what he was all about has to be forgotten.

Oh and do you think you could perhaps mess with my sewing machine, too? It's doing this stuttering thing and I don't know how to fix it! ;D

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog about a month ago. So sorry for your loss of your husband. I am a Mum of two (girls aged 6 & 3) from Australia and I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and hope that your pain eases with time.

clare b said...

I LOOOOVVVEEE this painting. So very deep and vivid and calming. I even know which wall I would put it on. In my blue and white room (which is currently beige and brown - but i'm working on it.. just got to put the ideas into action).
Big hugs from me.

Patrice~ said...

and wow.

I'll be 'e-ing you.

ps: Did I mention I love blue, too?

Carrie K said...

ack!!! its already gone...

i adore that blue...

almost as much as you :)

just are WAY better than a color

love ya

Rachael said...

Another gorgeous Kimberly creation!! I'm so glad you are continuing to paint!!

Love ya!!