Friday, January 09, 2009

yeah. 'nother post with bad language.

one more painting.

spent an hour laying with alexander in his bed at bedtme. he cried. i held him. he told me how much he misses his daddy. we talked about james. and it broke my heart. then i went in and checked on E. and he was crying. so i spent some time with him. broke my heart. or did i mention that already. i can't stand to see them so broken. so sad.

i want to lose myself. wholly. and completely. to feel passion.
i want to laugh. long, deep and hard.
i want to smile. at someone. who smiles back. or smirks.
i want to share a knowing with the look of understanding an inside joke.
i like spending time alone. a lot of time alone. yet at the same time i am somtimes extremely lonely.
i need to show the boys how to live. fully. openly. carelessly. with passion. with love.
my sewing machine is pissing me i'm gonna beat the living shit out of it kind of pissing me off. i broke a needle and now can't get the self threader to thread. fuck.
i want to be carefree and less damaged. to not be afraid.
to live without restraint.
i want more pomagranate martinis.
and red bull and vodka.
i am so pissed about what i have lost. i never knew pain could run so deep. so hard.
i am pissed at what i had the chance to do but then didn't get to. (yes, i'm talking about thailand). i wanted that trip. i needed it. and no, i'm not angry at james about that in any way. how could i be. it's not his fault. but i know i missed out on amazing time and on meeting amazing people. clare, i want you to tell me about it.

seriously, last night...drinking martinis, red bull and vodka...much better than holding and rocking sad kids. explaining to them why this happened. trying to make them understand. doing everything i knew how to make them feel better. and it isn't enough.


Violet said...

Girl, being damaged only helps you build yourself. Life is never easy and there is nothing that you can do about the past now. I know that that's cliche, but it's true. Learn from the things that happened in the past that you would have changed. Absorb the lesson, even if it was small, and let it go like a kid lets go of a balloon. This is your life, right this second, and what you make of it.. who you choose to be, is up to you.

There is nothing wrong with spending time alone. In fact, sometimes that's the best was to help yourself heal.. on your own terms, on your own time.

My heart's broken, too, even if it's for a different reason. Sometimes my heart's pain makes my soul want to vomit. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and shrivel up like a moldy raisin. I really feel you. :/

I think it's good for the boys to see you upset sometimes. For them to see that life isn't all rainbows. That even though this terrible thing happened to your family, there is still love in the world and that their Daddy loves them endlessly, just like you do. I know you can do it, Mama. I know that you can smile again, and make good memories and celebrate James even thought he isn't there to join in. I can just feel it.

I don't blame you for being unhappy about missing Thailand, but it happened for a reason... maybe you would have caught some insane disease or you would have drown in the ocean or.. eaten really bad pork and you would have spent the whole time vomiting, in another country, sick as a dog. You were meant to stay home and that's something that you'll have to accept eventually.

Look at you! You're already "living without restraint"... you said "fuck" on your blog and I bet it felt good! I'm smiling at you right now. I'm smirking 'cause you said the 'f' word and didn't even care!

Your painting kicks butt, too. :]

clare b said...

You know i really wanted you there.XXX Let me know how much you want me to tell you - and I'll tell you ... :)

Patrice~ said...

your boys have an
amazing pillar of strength
with you as their mama, Kimberly.
bloody hard for you, I know.
you are loved.