spent an hour laying with alexander in his bed at bedtme. he cried. i held him. he told me how much he misses his daddy. we talked about james. and it broke my heart. then i went in and checked on E. and he was crying. so i spent some time with him. broke my heart. or did i mention that already. i can't stand to see them so broken. so sad.
i want to lose myself. wholly. and completely. to feel passion.
i want to laugh. long, deep and hard.
i want to smile. at someone. who smiles back. or smirks.
i want to share a knowing glance....smile with the look of understanding an inside joke.
i like spending time alone. a lot of time alone. yet at the same time i am somtimes extremely lonely.
i need to show the boys how to live. fully. openly. carelessly. with passion. with love.
my sewing machine is pissing me off...like i'm gonna beat the living shit out of it kind of pissing me off. i broke a needle and now can't get the self threader to thread. fuck.
i want to be carefree and less damaged. to not be afraid.
to live without restraint.
i want more pomagranate martinis.
and red bull and vodka.
i am so pissed about what i have lost. i never knew pain could run so deep. so hard.
i am pissed at what i had the chance to do but then didn't get to. (yes, i'm talking about thailand). i wanted that trip. i needed it. and no, i'm not angry at james about that in any way. how could i be. it's not his fault. but i know i missed out on amazing time and on meeting amazing people. clare, i want you to tell me about it.
seriously, last night...drinking martinis, red bull and vodka...much better than holding and rocking sad kids. explaining to them why this happened. trying to make them understand. doing everything i knew how to make them feel better. and it isn't enough.