Wednesday, January 28, 2009

they are forgetting him.

they are forgetting him. even though we talk about him. i tell them stories. but it's not the same. and they are forgetting him. and it makes me sad. i showed E this photo. and he didn't know who it was.

there are many ways i can mark the passage of time since james died. how many bags of dogfood i have bought. how many days it's been. how many weeks it's been. how many hours it's been. how many times i have cried. and crying sucks. but i prefer not to mark this particular passage of time. obviously i haven' mastered that yet. i don't want to remember the date. or time. of course i always will. but i don't want to.


alexander said this: i am forgetting his voice. which made my heart break. made my stomach hurt. my little boy...loving his daddy so much. and so aware of what he has lost.

if we have to accept the bad....why can't we accept the good too? i want to focus on the good that we have...and what we will do...where we will go...and what we will make happen.

it wasn't until alexander told me he is forgetting james' voice that i realized just how long it's been since i heard it myself. somtimes it still seems unreal. like this can't really have happened. other times...it feels very real.

getting through it. really truly not giving a crap what anyone thinks about what i say and what i do. doing what i want. caring for the boys. consuming caffeine. trying to keep myself from doing the things i should not do.

4 comments:

Jody said...

wishing i could give you a hug...

Patrice~ said...

oh Kimberly.
where do you get the strength
to share your raw, gut-wrenching feelings so freely and openly?

this whole grieving shit process is absolutely wretched. My comment is not meant to minimize or disregard your pain, but to validate the actual physical and emotional pain you're experiencing. It's real. And some days it's brutal.

believe it or not, and I don't think you will believe this, but the pain will ease. And you will find strength like never before.

Dawn~^i^Brandon^i^, Jordan, and Seth's mom said...

I really can not remember how I initially came across your blog, but I admit....I have been a "silent lurker", while praying for you and your boys. I just want to encourage you to just keep breathing, keep sharing (without worrying what others may think),move at YOUR OWN timetable, & just "be" whatever that calls you to "be" from day to day.

Thinking of you,
Dawn

Punkass said...

I think about him all the time. Bottling my irish stout this weekend, wish I could invite hime over. I'll never forget him.