they are forgetting him. even though we talk about him. i tell them stories. but it's not the same. and they are forgetting him. and it makes me sad. i showed E this photo. and he didn't know who it was.
there are many ways i can mark the passage of time since james died. how many bags of dogfood i have bought. how many days it's been. how many weeks it's been. how many hours it's been. how many times i have cried. and crying sucks. but i prefer not to mark this particular passage of time. obviously i haven' mastered that yet. i don't want to remember the date. or time. of course i always will. but i don't want to.
alexander said this: i am forgetting his voice. which made my heart break. made my stomach hurt. my little boy...loving his daddy so much. and so aware of what he has lost.
if we have to accept the bad....why can't we accept the good too? i want to focus on the good that we have...and what we will do...where we will go...and what we will make happen.
it wasn't until alexander told me he is forgetting james' voice that i realized just how long it's been since i heard it myself. somtimes it still seems unreal. like this can't really have happened. other times...it feels very real.
getting through it. really truly not giving a crap what anyone thinks about what i say and what i do. doing what i want. caring for the boys. consuming caffeine. trying to keep myself from doing the things i should not do.