Friday, January 02, 2009

things i know the answer to.

how can i feel so many conflicting emotions at once? at the beach...i can take a deep breath. yet it seems surreal...james is not here. that's why we ARE here. it's just so freaking bizarre.
gut-wrencing total and complete grief just overtakes me at random times. like now. i keep so much emotion deep down...sometimes it comes to the surface. and it's rough. and wrenching. and painful.

i've gotta figure out a way to really really really want to live life again. like with a passion. and not for someone else, because of someone else or even with someone else. that is just so freaking hard for me. i have lost that and want it back. i need to figure out how to want/need to do things just for me...because of me and me only (well, the boys too) bykwim, right?
my kids are absolutely exhausted because they fell asleep in under 15 minutes. i think it's a record.

sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago that james died.
somtimes it seems just like yesterday.
when bad things happen time seems to warp.
sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to remember whether james is really dead, or...if it was just a bad dream.
i have felt many things over the last two days.
it seems like we have been traveling for much longer than two days.
it's hard for me to process all my feelings (first, i suck at it). secondly, i keep getting interrupted (i am a single mother now). my boys take a lot of time and attention. in the middle of some thought-provoking rift...i am brought back to reality by the fighting, and bickering of the boys. it's just how it is. i love my boys. but i do think i am having a difficult time adjusting to being everything for them at every given second. i know they miss their dad. i miss their dad.

but i know the answers to to a couple of things now.
brookings is beautiful. and quaint. i like that.
florence (where we are tonight) is bigger (though still a very very small place). it is not as quaint as brookings. i prefer quaint.
i should have gone on to newport (but the boys were done being in the car).
i hope to check out (not now...perhaps over E's spring break) newport, lincoln city, tillamook, seaside and astoria. i have been to all of these places before but i want to go back and look at them with fresh perspective. it's been a long time since i was there. i'm thinking i will like one or more of these places more than the ones i have been to in the last couple of days.
i still love the ocean. i feel like it has a hold on me.....over me. i want to move coastal. somewhere. as of yet undetermined. maybe some island far far away.....

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for a while now, and I am so sorry for your loss. It is a very hard thing to loose a husband, but time and faith will help. The pain NEVER goes away, but it does get easier. I know you are on a road trip right now. You are right, Brookings is a great place and you are traveling the coast. You passed a great little town called Reedsport that is a wonderful place to raise a family and have some great friends. All of the ones you have mentioned are great places, but Reedsport is a very homey place to live. God Bless you and your children.

Caseydog said...

You are on many journeys right now. Not easy but you are moving forward...deep bows to you and your boys

Patrice~ said...

go with that gut instinct,
womanly-intuition.
you're on a roll.
go with it.
what you're doing is all positive.
and part of the process.
especially for your boys.
and you.
ps: I like quaint, also.

jensmack said...

I don't know where any of those places are... but it sounds like you are on the right track for some GOOD things.

I'm glad you traveled and smelled some fresh air.

Carrie K said...

**excited squealing** portland...pick portland :)

ok so i know this journey is so NOT about me....but i cant help being over the moon excited that you potentially COULD end up within easy road trip distance

**more squealing**
:) love you!!

Lisa said...

Your trip sounds equals parts thrilling, exhausting, scary and reflective.

Trust your heart...it led you to James

And it will lead you to something else, different yes, but just as wonderful