Thursday, January 29, 2009

listening to music. all the freakin' time.

the FDA should consider making caffeine a food group.
i don't like music by female artists (there are, of course, exceptions). but there is something about a man's voice. making me feel things.
james brought out the best in me. it scares me, now that he's gone, that that will slip away. i am an all or nothing kind of person. and i'm afraid. because i have no one to pull me back from the edge.
i cannot stop listening to music. still. sometimes loudly. sometimes not.
benicio del toro is hot. there is just something about him. he's got that bad boy sexy thing goin' on. and i like that.
denis leary is also hot. same thing. bad boy sexy thing. and i don't go for blondes.
mickey roarke? effing hot. the way he looks now...i so love that bad boy thing. holy crap.
i've been taking a hot bath at night. as hot as i can stand it. and watching movies/tv shows on my iPod or....duh...just listening to music.
E has been having nightmares. the kid is not sleeping. and is exhausted. last night i let him sleep in my bed. he was glued to me the entire freaking time i was in bed. granted...i was only in bed for a couple of hours. but still. the kid needs so much affection and love. he misses his daddy.
dan and jan are amazing people. they are spending time with the boys. dan is playing with them. like james used to. teaching them things. and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. happy to see the boys playing...and with dan...but sad too. because it's not with james.
trying to stay connected to people. but feel myself drifting away.
wanting so badly to get lost. to be consumed. to just feel. to not think and to act on instinct. to just be. and whatever happens happens.


clare b said...

I can tie a string to your big toe, and tie you to the shoreline, so that you can drift to your heart's content - but won't get lost. So then when you are ready, you can drift back into shore - back to all of us.

Patrice~ said...

caffeine isn't in it's own food group?

we're listening.
keep talking.
b/c we hear you.