today in target.....
alexander clutches my leg.
A: i want to be with you.
Me: i'm right here. you are with me. i'm holding your hand.
A: i don't want you to go to the place of peace.
Me: oh zan, i'm not going anywhere. said with fierce emotion in my voice.
i will be with you always.
i hold him.
A: what if you do go to the place of peace. who will feed me?
so i sit down on the floor of target. and hold him tighter.
Me: alexander, nothing is going to happen to me. i will be with you. i will take care of you. i love you. if something does happen to me (and it won't), you and ethan are going to live with dan, jan and rachael.
he looks up at me. grabs me tighter. we sit. and then we finish our shopping.
the boys and i went to dinner with someone james worked with. we've sort of kept in contact. it seems like so long ago that james died....it was sort of strange to connect with this person....it just seems strange because james isn't here...yet he should be....hard to explain i guess. it's like, if james were alive, we probably would have never have had dinner with this person...and since he isn't...we did...it's like trying to stay connected to him maybe....but i don't have to leave my house for that to happen...weird. nevermind.
since i was at target today i stopped by the jewelry store (which is close to target) to get my ring checked. turns out the two settings on either side of the main setting are worn down. so the dude told me they need to be replaced. and i hesitated. because i'm not married anymore. i am not sure whether to wear my ring. or not. and i hesitated....unsure of whether to have it fixed (it's gonna cost a bit). in the end i gave him the ring and told him to fix it. so for now...i am not wearing my wedding ring. and it seems strange. not sure if i'll put it back on when i get it back. or not. i feel naked without it. but i'm not married anymore...but i've had it on my finger for 18 years.
slept about 30 seconds last night but still not wanting to go to bed tonight. just wanting to listen to music. and paint. and do other things for my etsy shop. anything but go to bed.