Tuesday, January 13, 2009

one more painting.

painting i finished today. it's in my etsy shop here.

today in target.....
alexander clutches my leg.
A: i want to be with you.
Me: i'm right here. you are with me. i'm holding your hand.
A: i don't want you to go to the place of peace.
Me: oh zan, i'm not going anywhere. said with fierce emotion in my voice.
i will be with you always.
he cries.
i hold him.
A: what if you do go to the place of peace. who will feed me?
so i sit down on the floor of target. and hold him tighter.
Me: alexander, nothing is going to happen to me. i will be with you. i will take care of you. i love you. if something does happen to me (and it won't), you and ethan are going to live with dan, jan and rachael.
he looks up at me. grabs me tighter. we sit. and then we finish our shopping.

the boys and i went to dinner with someone james worked with. we've sort of kept in contact. it seems like so long ago that james died....it was sort of strange to connect with this person....it just seems strange because james isn't here...yet he should be....hard to explain i guess. it's like, if james were alive, we probably would have never have had dinner with this person...and since he isn't...we did...it's like trying to stay connected to him maybe....but i don't have to leave my house for that to happen...weird. nevermind.
since i was at target today i stopped by the jewelry store (which is close to target) to get my ring checked. turns out the two settings on either side of the main setting are worn down. so the dude told me they need to be replaced. and i hesitated. because i'm not married anymore. i am not sure whether to wear my ring. or not. and i hesitated....unsure of whether to have it fixed (it's gonna cost a bit). in the end i gave him the ring and told him to fix it. so for now...i am not wearing my wedding ring. and it seems strange. not sure if i'll put it back on when i get it back. or not. i feel naked without it. but i'm not married anymore...but i've had it on my finger for 18 years.
slept about 30 seconds last night but still not wanting to go to bed tonight. just wanting to listen to music. and paint. and do other things for my etsy shop. anything but go to bed.

8 comments:

~Amie~ said...

love love love the painting, the grey with the splash of yellow is fantastic!

still sending you guys hugs!!

Patrice~ said...

I'm glad you're getting
your wedding set repaired.

Red bull and vodka, eh??

tiffany said...

you are one amazing mama.

mary said...

Hi,
I read your blog. All that you write hits home with me. My husband has been gone 8 months. I drank, drove as fast as I could and as far as I could many times... I still have major anxiety but it is getting better. I wear my wedding ring along with my husbands on my right hand now and have since he died. I do not have the strength to completly remove them. I also got a tattoo with his name on my wrist. I love it, he is always with me. Time heals yes but it still hurts all the time, and most people will never understand because they cannot, they have not walked a mile or even a couple steps in your shoes. I can say I understand. Your writing is so raw and full of true emotion. I bought some beautiful cards from your Etsy shop in December keep up the beautiful art work there is no better way to heal.

Leslie Ashe said...

I just wanted to say....

I {{heart}} you sweet girl.

big time,

Leslie

Caseydog said...

You are so strong....one day forward. May be two steps back but you are moving. Give yourself some peace and time....

karlynn said...

You are AWESOME!!!

Lisa said...

You are working through this private hell
private becuase none of us can really understand it

I can see the strength and beauty and raw emotion

It is on your heart
and in your words and in your art