Sunday, February 01, 2009

too fucking much.

two hours of sleep in the last 48, not enough food...add in pomegranate martinis and you get me. in this moment, missing james with every fiber of my being. wanting him to hold me. to talk to me. to right my world.
apparently i do not react to james' death the way many people expect me to. and i just fucking shake my head at that. it effing pisses me off that people are judging me. making comments to me about what i am doing. and how i am doing it. people can eff off. unless you're living it shut the hell up.
its a pretty fucking awesome responsibility....caring for these two little boys. being their everything. and trying to figure things out for myself all the while. where we're gonna go. how i'm going to ultimately support us. so many fucking things spinning inside my head. sometimes all i want are distractions. so i don't have to think about all of this. because it's too much. it makes me feel like the air is being squeezed right out of my body. it makes my stomach hurt. it makes me feel very alone. i am like the biggest fucking nutjob on the planet. i crave time to myself. i pull away from people yet i am lonely. i crave time to myself. yet i don't know what to fucking do with it when i have it. seriously. i am something else. are ya kiddin' me?!! and now i am fucking going to bed. maybe...just maybe i can sleep. i just want this all to stop. to stop feeling everything...so....deeply. i am such a high and low person. there is no effing middle...no balance. i know it's who i am. but holy crap. some middle ground would effing be nice. why am i not capable of that.

15 comments:

Moira said...

Dear Kimberly;
Like many people, I'm sure, I do SO wish there was something I could do for you. Everything you've written seems completely normal to me re... your reaction to this horrible loss, so I am dismayed to hear that you are feeling judged or criticized by some people in your life. There is no "RIGHT WAY" to grieve !

I've mentioned this before, but now that time is marching on and you still are having major sleep disruption, difficulties eating, and so much grief (again, NORMAL !), I truly hope you will consider seeking professional help from a counsellor and/or physician.

There is no need to struggle through this without some outside help. You deserve it. Your sons deserve it. This is a medical issue and a safety issue now. And of course I didn't know James but from what you've described - no doubt he would want this for you.

Please do not be insulted by the suggestion; I have the best of intentions. I truly don't mean to give advice and tell you what you "need". {I am speaking as someone who has dealt with PTSD and a sleep disorder for many years. I have not lost a husband, but I have dealt with major trauma and longterm sleep deprivation. Ahem... notice I am reading your blog at 2:15 AM :) }

I wish you peace. and sleep. Hugs from Canada.

Anonymous said...

Love your blog, it makes me think, to realize life, to be thankful, to understand and not to judge. I have not lost my husband and want to give you a hug and make you feel all better. i understand and totally believe this would be my normal too...believe in yourself, your life is toooo important...and forget about the judgemental people!!
HUGS
Karlynn

Rachael said...

Screw those people!!!

You are such a wonderful person! I so wish I could be there to give you a great big hug!!

Michelle said...

Kimberly you are soo right it is a huge responsibility that you have with the boys and its totally unfair and unjust you have to do this without him. I am sorry but I know that does nothing for you. I can see why you are listening to music so much especially Jack Johnson...I can see how you can relate to his songs. They make you feel the things you can't put into words. I am sure his words speak to you as if James was talking to you and that must be so comforting. I know we have never met irl and I have not even known you as long as others online have but I think of you often (again I know this does not help you). Your grieving is normal and you just need to do what you think you need. Screw anyone else because they are not in your shoes. I do hope that you find some balance or a sense of inner peace. Its going to be a long hard journey and the hurt won't ever go away but it will lessen. Over time you will stop feeling like you have been sucker punched and can't breathe. For now just breathe slowly and know there are people who care about you, whether they have ever met you, James, or the boys. Wish there was something I could do but ultimately no one can right the wrong that has caused you so much grief for that I am deeply sorry.

sausan said...

Well...it is too fucking much you have to deal with..and it seems for you that time is torn and stopped somewhere on the way thus it is still moving on...well..it is moving on for the others and while they think that time should have healed all by now or that at least you should be almost back to normal you feel like falling deeper into this dark black hole....well...there will be an end to all this one day..you will know when it arrived but you will not know when...and there will never be an end to you feeling the loss..it will calm down but will always be a part of your life....and you will remember his voice, his smell you will remember all better than before. But it will not hurt anymore as it hurts now. You will be getting through all...and if you'd love to rush..don't...it will take its time but you will get through it and your kids will, too. And don't care about the others ....
hugs from overseas and excuse my bad english

Melissa said...

You're grieving...what was "normal" before isn't your "normal" now. You're life has been completely tipped upside down.

Unless anyone has walked in your shoes they have NO place to judge you or your actions.

Many years ago I witnessed my fiance committing suicide. After that there were many people with ideas of how I should be, what I should do, and how I should react. If I was grieving it was lasting too long. If I was moving forward they were telling me it was too soon.

I'm now, enough removed, from the raw pain of it all that I can say that they just had no idea. If they were judging me- they weren't my friend. I did lose friends. Some just didn't know what to say or do and I didn't know how to let them in. Some were too judgemental and it was better that they fell by the wayside. I couldn't handle the pain I was feeling never mind trying to deal with what people were thinking of me!

I know I'm just going on and on. I'm just trying to say that I'm sorry. I remember the rawness, the pain, the confusion and the social difficulties. I didn't however have the added stress and worry and pain of 2 little ones to feel and care for.

((hugs)) to you. I'm so sorry for your pain and for your loss.

Melissa

Erin said...

You are getting through each day the best way you know how. There are no rules for dealing with the bitter and gut-wrenching emotional pain that life hands us.

Don't let anyone tell you that you should be better or dealing with this trainwreck in any other way. People say stupid things. I know from experience that grief hits when least expected and comes back when you think it is feeling far away.

Misty said...

Do you want me to beat someone up?

Robyn said...

Kimberly,

How ever you choose to deal with your emotions, thoughts, pain is all your own choice and no one's right to judge! You have the dauting task of juggling life for these two sweet boys and for that you are amazing. Keep on the road you are on, it will get easier and those boys need you every step of the way...many hugs to you!

Patrice~ said...

well.
you're not a nutjob.
I'm blown away by
your strength and determination.

Your stomach will hurt.
I'm really sorry about
the hurting stomach part,
because nothing tastes
good, smells good or looks goood
at this point in time.

what's normal?
you are.

Lisa said...

No judgment here girl.
Just love and concern.
I think Moira may have some insight that a lot of us don't.
I just worry about you and the boys.
Worry isin't judgment, just love thwarted by an inability to make things okay for you.

Carrie K said...

oh babe...im so sorry about all of it...the whole fucking mess and especially that people feel like they have a right to say ridiculous things to you (although everyone that posts here has super sweet stuff to say...so thats a bonus)

please please find someone professional to talk to for your own sanity...and so i wont worry about you :)

love you!!

Violet said...

Oh my love!

I don't know how you can function with out sleep.

People will always have their opinions on how you *should* be doing things... it's human nature to want to help, even if the only way that they know how is to tell you what you should (to them) be doing.

No one is going to understand on the exact level that you do, but do try and remember that I (and a bunch of other ladies one here) love you and want to help -- even if it means just reading and replying to your posts.

You're such a little badass and even though you're feeling shitty and your heart continues to break, you'e doing it, girl.

*One foot in front of the other. *One breath at a time.
*One shitty feeling may lead to a really good one.
*One more kiss and hug for those boys.
*One hour at a time.

Hugs and paint smears,
Violet

emfalconbridge said...

sending love...
xxx

Anonymous said...

Like Dr. Seuss once said:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

In other words, screw them for judging you. No one can possibly understand what it's going to take for you to go through this because they aren't you. When you are ready to move to the next stage then that is the right time for it to happen and until then it is not the right time.

I'm sending good thoughts of sleep your way.