got a lot done today.

another painting. just messing around, not trying to create great art.

working on a painting of a boat...having trouble.....so i walked away for a couple days. i'll come back to it. i'll change one thing and the painting will all the sudden work. it'll come together. love when that happens. i hope it does.

working on another painting (similar to the one i posted yesterday) but in different colors. it's gray, black, white and yellow oxide (which is a mustard color). it's an actual stretched canvas and is 11x14. i'll have to take a photo when i'm done. to big and clunky to scan.

grooving to R.E.M. (low low low). diggin' it.

then it's back to spanish music for a while. then jack johnson again.

friend of mine sent me a little treat in the mail. christina, you effing rock.

getting some things done.

bills paid (online bill pay rocks).

organizing the loft (where i paint..where the desktop is..my printer...scanner...sewing machine).

but...this means i'm having to go through some of james' things. which is hard. the desk, where i'm sitting now...was his. i mean, it was ours...but it was his. it was his space.

i'm feeling the need for organization. which is weird. because my work table and easel (where i ctually paint)...are a total disaster. and always are. but the rest of the loft? i want it under control. i'm such a fucking nut job.

still jamming to music every second i am awake.

still consuming massive amounts of caffeine and not sleeping much. duh.

hating late late at night. but liking it too....see....total fucking not job. that's when i paint...and know i have some time to myself (boys are in bed). but it's also when i miss james oh so much. if he were still alive i would still be up late at night by myself (dudes with heart probs have to go to bed early)...but at least i would know he would be in bed when i got there.

life is what you make it. i am trying to find my way out of this. i know i will.

i want to be in control of my life. not always waiting for something or someone else.

when james died i thought i might never be able to paint again.

it's strange that painting is what i've been immersing myself so deeply into lately. that i can still do it.

hating silence.

seeing the future. seeing me, and the boys...in a nice little house with a little front yard...a little back yard....near the water. rebuilding a life.