listening to music. all the freakin' time.

the FDA should consider making caffeine a food group.

i don't like music by female artists (there are, of course, exceptions). but there is something about a man's voice. making me feel things.

james brought out the best in me. it scares me, now that he's gone, that that will slip away. i am an all or nothing kind of person. and i'm afraid. because i have no one to pull me back from the edge.

i cannot stop listening to music. still. sometimes loudly. sometimes not.

benicio del toro is hot. there is just something about him. he's got that bad boy sexy thing goin' on. and i like that.

denis leary is also hot. same thing. bad boy sexy thing. and i don't go for blondes.

mickey roarke? effing hot. the way he looks now...i so love that bad boy thing. holy crap.

i've been taking a hot bath at night. as hot as i can stand it. and watching movies/tv shows on my iPod or....duh...just listening to music.

E has been having nightmares. the kid is not sleeping. and is exhausted. last night i let him sleep in my bed. he was glued to me the entire freaking time i was in bed. granted...i was only in bed for a couple of hours. but still. the kid needs so much affection and love. he misses his daddy.

dan and jan are amazing people. they are spending time with the boys. dan is playing with them. like james used to. teaching them things. and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. happy to see the boys playing...and with dan...but sad too. because it's not with james.

trying to stay connected to people. but feel myself drifting away.

wanting so badly to get lost. to be consumed. to just feel. to not think and to act on instinct. to just be. and whatever happens happens.

they are forgetting him.

they are forgetting him. even though we talk about him. i tell them stories. but it's not the same. and they are forgetting him. and it makes me sad. i showed E this photo. and he didn't know who it was.

there are many ways i can mark the passage of time since james died. how many bags of dogfood i have bought. how many days it's been. how many weeks it's been. how many hours it's been. how many times i have cried. and crying sucks. but i prefer not to mark this particular passage of time. obviously i haven' mastered that yet. i don't want to remember the date. or time. of course i always will. but i don't want to.


alexander said this: i am forgetting his voice. which made my heart break. made my stomach hurt. my little boy...loving his daddy so much. and so aware of what he has lost.

if we have to accept the bad....why can't we accept the good too? i want to focus on the good that we have...and what we will do...where we will go...and what we will make happen.

it wasn't until alexander told me he is forgetting james' voice that i realized just how long it's been since i heard it myself. somtimes it still seems unreal. like this can't really have happened. other times...it feels very real.

getting through it. really truly not giving a crap what anyone thinks about what i say and what i do. doing what i want. caring for the boys. consuming caffeine. trying to keep myself from doing the things i should not do.

a painting. finally.

painted this today. jammed to tunes. consumed caffeine. lots of it. and painted. ultramarine blue is one of my fave colors. ever. ultramarine blue with purple...and violet..and some white flowers.....finally i was able to paint something. this piece is in my etsy shop here.

cannot stop listening to music. if i am awake music is jammin wherever i am. in the loft. in my car. wherever. no silence. silence leads to too much thinking. and i am always thinking. always. and sometimes i just don't want to.

missing james very much.

feeling disconnected.

feeling restless.

but whatever i feel...i feel it deeply. whether it's sadness, happiness.....whatever it is.

that's just my personality.

someone made a comment to me the other day...oh...artists..they are so tempermental. um. yeah. it's true. at least for me. that's when i get 'the look'. you know...the one that says without actually saying the words....dude....are you insane?! but if i am not feelin' it, i can't paint worth a crap. if i am not inspired in some way. for the last week i have not been feelin' it. painted four different pieces (all of which are still unfinished). and then today...and i have no clue how it happened...i painted..and it just happened. so maybe i am crazy...i don't know...but at least i was able to paint.

why in the fuck won't this photo post right side up??

i am wreckless. at times.
decisions are made on instinct. without over-thinking.
most of the time anyway.
sometimes to my detriment.
sometimes not.
can't stop myself.
never have been able to.
and i don't want to.
things need to be said.
and done.
life is too short. that much i have learned.
sometimes it's hard, but just say what you mean.
say what you want. in that split second of hesitation..make the decision. and do it.
still consuming large amounts of caffeine.
still jamming to tunes. non-stop.
not sleeping.
taking each day as it comes.

from bodega we went to san francisco.

self-portrait while driving. i am so fucking glad i didn't drop my camera.

the boys and i walked across the golden gate bridge. it's something i wanted us to do. i hope E remembers it when he's older. it was pretty flippin' cool. cooler than i thought it would be. this is the view of the city from the middle of the bridge.

i dig this shot.

alexander was a little bit scared. the dude is 5. i held him...carried him...and we walked. it was pretty freakin' windy up there. like holy crap.

pretty flippin' awesome.

zan got cold so i gave him my jacket. i can't believe how fucking adorable that kid is.

me and E before we started walking across the bridge.

just happened across lombard street while driving through the city. so we went down it.

then we went to fisherman's wharf. and got crab. i dig the shot of the sign. why do i so dig taking photos while i drive? james told me this story once. we went to SF together (about a week into our relationship). spent some time at the wharf. eating pretzels, watching the sea lions, just walking around. he told me it was here, in SF, at the wharf, standing behind me, with his arms around me, that he knew that he was in love with me. and i am so glad he told me that.

driving over the bridge. yup. another photo i took while driving.

leaving SF on our way to berkeley. this is the bay bridge. i dig a b & w photo.

this is the bay bridge right before we turned and got onto it.

i love taking random photos in the various places i go. i think it really captures the feel...the moment. this was at the wharf where all the ferry boats leave. right by the sea lions.

me, ethan and alexander on the golden gate.

it was a good trip. but fucking-a do i feel like crap when i get home. because it just feels so good to be away. today has sucked. i have had an extremely difficult time concentrating. i feel anxiety i think...hard to explain. i feel unsettled. yes. that's the word i'm looking for. and i need to figure out how to get over it and focus. i also should stop slamming red bull. i did enjoy some red bull and vodka at a friend's house on sun night. and then some rum and guava juice. yummy. thanks pamela.

bodega bay in photos.

alexander. salmon beach. the kid loves the waves. playing. running. he had so much fun. it makes me happy that he loves the ocean. look at the smile on his face. i love how kids live so in the moment. and i fucking wish i could do it all the time.

alexander. he loves collecting shells. and giving them ALL to me.

i dig taking photos while i drive.

i freaking need this ride. sweet.

me and alexander.

salmon beach.

me and E man.

salmon beach.

goat rock beach.

E at salmon beach.

love driving down highway one.

it is so fucking beautiful.

we spent as much time as we could at the beach. the weather was perfect.
it was amazing.
see post below for details.

bodega bay.

bodega bay is a beautiful place. i'd post pics...but...uh...yeah...my laptop won't read my cam stick (for whatever reason).
the waves are HUGE.
the ocean is violent.
and beautiful.
and gentle.
and fierce.
it's powerful.
the sound of the waves crashing....it was so loud...i love that sound. that and the sound a buoy makes. two of my favorite sounds.
i stood in the water as a wave crashed around me and the water rushing back to meet the next wave almost took me with it. and it was freaking awesome. it literally left me dizzy. watching the water rush up toward me, then back with such strength. it was wild. it was amazing.
went for a walk on the beach.
thought.
didn't think.
breathed. deep breaths. the kind that center you. if that makes any sense. it does to me.
i didn't cry. crying sucks. i sometimes think it is a waste of energy. i just let my mind wander aimlessly...sometimes thinking about james...me and james...sometimes thinking about absolutely trivial and useless things.
it is only now, that the boys are asleep...and i am not....this not being able to sleep thing sucks so much ass....seriously....
but it is now, that i am awake and the boys are not that i feel sad. i sort of feel like all my forward momentum stops late at night...i'm just sitting...not sleeping...and it sort of all catches up with me.
i'm tired of feeling sad. so effing tired of feeling sad. i am glad we came here. spending time at the beach...the ocean....it is so much better than sitting at home. we are out. doing things. living life...trying to find our way...as lame as that sounds. i so hate fluffy sentiment. it makes me go...ICK.
in the morning we're off to walk across the golden gate bridge.
and eat crab.
and pretzels.
i hope i am showing the boys how to live with passion. to live fully. which isn't so easy right now (for me)....but i know it's what james would want. he would want the boys to be happy...he would expect me to right their world. as much as i can.
james was my balance. i miss that. i miss him righting me. making me see things from a different perspective...from a better perspective...he was so much nicer than i am. seriously.
now i'm off to watch a movie on my laptop then hopefully get some sleep.

roadtrip.

taking the boys to san francisco for the weekend.
we have no reservations for anywhere.
we're just going.
we're going to walk across the golden gate bridge.
play at the beach in bodego bay.
be back monday.

some things i love.

i freaking love email. i cannot get enough.

and caffeine. duh.

and many other things that are bad for me. which i won't go into here.

i like doing things i know i shouldn't be doing...and not really caring...and then just doing them anyway.

i freaking love when my children behave at the post office (when i'm mailing out etsy stuff).

and i freaking love when they call each other bro. it's so effing cute. and i can see their bond.

i think i have been up until 3am for the last 21 days in a row. and i've been getting up at 6:30am (alexander doesn't understand the concept of sleep). or leave mommy alone and just let HER sleep. ha! i wish i could do that. but i can't.

thank you to everyone who has recently placed an order out of my etsy shop. you are rocking my world. and i mean that from the bottom of my heart.

still jamming to tunes non-stop.

out of red bull. and that is a fucking bummer.

working on a couple of paintings but they are not done yet.

probably won't get to paint again until next week.

finding that i can breathe and focus....calm myself, while listening to loud music. which is weird. but it works for me. for now anyway.

lost 6 lbs.

the caffeine, sugar no sleep diet (though unintentional) kicks ass.

one more painting.

painting i finished today. it's in my etsy shop here.

today in target.....

alexander clutches my leg.

A: i want to be with you.

Me: i'm right here. you are with me. i'm holding your hand.

A: i don't want you to go to the place of peace.

Me: oh zan, i'm not going anywhere. said with fierce emotion in my voice.

i will be with you always.

he cries.

i hold him.

A: what if you do go to the place of peace. who will feed me?

so i sit down on the floor of target. and hold him tighter.

Me: alexander, nothing is going to happen to me. i will be with you. i will take care of you. i love you. if something does happen to me (and it won't), you and ethan are going to live with dan, jan and rachael.

he looks up at me. grabs me tighter. we sit. and then we finish our shopping.

the boys and i went to dinner with someone james worked with. we've sort of kept in contact. it seems like so long ago that james died....it was sort of strange to connect with this person....it just seems strange because james isn't here...yet he should be....hard to explain i guess. it's like, if james were alive, we probably would have never have had dinner with this person...and since he isn't...we did...it's like trying to stay connected to him maybe....but i don't have to leave my house for that to happen...weird. nevermind.

since i was at target today i stopped by the jewelry store (which is close to target) to get my ring checked. turns out the two settings on either side of the main setting are worn down. so the dude told me they need to be replaced. and i hesitated. because i'm not married anymore. i am not sure whether to wear my ring. or not. and i hesitated....unsure of whether to have it fixed (it's gonna cost a bit). in the end i gave him the ring and told him to fix it. so for now...i am not wearing my wedding ring. and it seems strange. not sure if i'll put it back on when i get it back. or not. i feel naked without it. but i'm not married anymore...but i've had it on my finger for 18 years.

slept about 30 seconds last night but still not wanting to go to bed tonight. just wanting to listen to music. and paint. and do other things for my etsy shop. anything but go to bed.

got a lot done today.

another painting. just messing around, not trying to create great art.

working on a painting of a boat...having trouble.....so i walked away for a couple days. i'll come back to it. i'll change one thing and the painting will all the sudden work. it'll come together. love when that happens. i hope it does.

working on another painting (similar to the one i posted yesterday) but in different colors. it's gray, black, white and yellow oxide (which is a mustard color). it's an actual stretched canvas and is 11x14. i'll have to take a photo when i'm done. to big and clunky to scan.

grooving to R.E.M. (low low low). diggin' it.

then it's back to spanish music for a while. then jack johnson again.

friend of mine sent me a little treat in the mail. christina, you effing rock.

getting some things done.

bills paid (online bill pay rocks).

organizing the loft (where i paint..where the desktop is..my printer...scanner...sewing machine).

but...this means i'm having to go through some of james' things. which is hard. the desk, where i'm sitting now...was his. i mean, it was ours...but it was his. it was his space.

i'm feeling the need for organization. which is weird. because my work table and easel (where i ctually paint)...are a total disaster. and always are. but the rest of the loft? i want it under control. i'm such a fucking nut job.

still jamming to music every second i am awake.

still consuming massive amounts of caffeine and not sleeping much. duh.

hating late late at night. but liking it too....see....total fucking not job. that's when i paint...and know i have some time to myself (boys are in bed). but it's also when i miss james oh so much. if he were still alive i would still be up late at night by myself (dudes with heart probs have to go to bed early)...but at least i would know he would be in bed when i got there.

life is what you make it. i am trying to find my way out of this. i know i will.

i want to be in control of my life. not always waiting for something or someone else.

when james died i thought i might never be able to paint again.

it's strange that painting is what i've been immersing myself so deeply into lately. that i can still do it.

hating silence.

seeing the future. seeing me, and the boys...in a nice little house with a little front yard...a little back yard....near the water. rebuilding a life.

love the color midnight blue.

painted this today. it's in my etsy shop here.
i want to let go of all of this sadness.
but i think i'm scared that if i do, it will be as if i am letting go of james and what our life meant together.
because i think my life will go in such a different direction now.
cannot get enough jack johnson.
the smell of gesso, canvas and paint....there is nothing like it.
still consuming massive amounts of caffeine.
and wanting to consume massive amounts of alcohol.
had a couple of hours to myself today. it was effing awesome. i painted (duh). i sat. and breathed. i listened to music. i ran some errands (bought a new paintbrush, some canvas and stretcher bars). my favoriate brush had a little accident the other night. i fucked around with sewing machine until i figured out what was wrong with it.
currently listening to sting (shape of my heart). it's mellow. full of feeling. i need that. for 5 minutes. then i'll be back to wanting it loud and rocking.
CANNOT get enough music.
so so so tired of feeling this way. just want it to go away.
trying to be thankful for every little bit of peace i feel, every deep breath i can take. for every single second i can laugh and/or smile...for every email i receive that helps me forget (at least for a few minutes).

yeah. 'nother post with bad language.

one more painting.

spent an hour laying with alexander in his bed at bedtme. he cried. i held him. he told me how much he misses his daddy. we talked about james. and it broke my heart. then i went in and checked on E. and he was crying. so i spent some time with him. broke my heart. or did i mention that already. i can't stand to see them so broken. so sad.

i want to lose myself. wholly. and completely. to feel passion.

i want to laugh. long, deep and hard.

i want to smile. at someone. who smiles back. or smirks.

i want to share a knowing glance....smile with the look of understanding an inside joke.

i like spending time alone. a lot of time alone. yet at the same time i am somtimes extremely lonely.

i need to show the boys how to live. fully. openly. carelessly. with passion. with love.

my sewing machine is pissing me off...like i'm gonna beat the living shit out of it kind of pissing me off. i broke a needle and now can't get the self threader to thread. fuck.

i want to be carefree and less damaged. to not be afraid.

to live without restraint.

i want more pomagranate martinis.

and red bull and vodka.

i am so pissed about what i have lost. i never knew pain could run so deep. so hard.

i am pissed at what i had the chance to do but then didn't get to. (yes, i'm talking about thailand). i wanted that trip. i needed it. and no, i'm not angry at james about that in any way. how could i be. it's not his fault. but i know i missed out on amazing time and on meeting amazing people. clare, i want you to tell me about it.

seriously, last night...drinking martinis, red bull and vodka...much better than holding and rocking sad kids. explaining to them why this happened. trying to make them understand. doing everything i knew how to make them feel better. and it isn't enough.

red bull, vodka and more bad language.

another painting.

pomegranate martinis. yum. had a few at kathryn's 40th surprise bday party tonight. then tuffy (yes...that is his name, he was a firefighter) told me about red bull and vodka. holy shit. why didn't i try that sooner.

many people offered to drive me home. which was nice. so i didn't have to worry about how many drinks i had. sweet. it was, however, difficult to see many of the people i haven't seen since james' service. with everyone giving my questioning looks, coming up to 'hug' me...see if i'm okay. of course i'm okay. what the hell else am i gonna be. and people were watching me. i felt very on display. not everyone was...but some were. and the truth is...i really don't give a crap what people think. i just don't. it doesn't matter. i'll live my life how i want. admittedly, however, this is taking some getting used to after having been married for almost 18 years. i'm not quite sure how to explain it. it's just that i don't have anyone i have to discuss things with anymore....no one else to take into consideration (other than the boys). it's just so different now.

definitely still grooving on caffeine, sugar, no sleep and loud music (it's 12:30am and i'm not the slightest bit tired). kind of a bummer when the alcohol/caffeine buzz wears off...because yes...it IS wearing off....and yes people...it was nice while it lasted. kathryn had a photo of us (me, james and the boys) up on her wall that i hadn't seen before and it literally brought me to tears in an instant. and i am so sick of that shit. i want to move on with my life. i need to. i just want to wake up and for one day.....just one day...not to feel like complete and total crap.

someone said to me a few days ago, 'what do you want your life to be like'. and i've been thinking about that ever since. i want to live by the ocean. i want to paint (and make money doing it). i want to live somewhere the boys will be safe. i would like to not feel so empty and like there is something missing from my life.

i know the boys and i will be okay. because i will make us okay. we have this huge hole in our lives.....and nothing or no one will ever fill it up. it will be there always. but i don't think that means we can't go on...and change our lives. because that's what i think we need to do. when we move, i have no idea how different our lives will be, i just know they will be different. and i think that's a good thing.

little something i painted last night.

painted this last night (then effed around with my scanner for about 2 hours trying to get it to work so i could scan this)...couldn't get the effin' thing to work....so today i figured it out. i kicked its ass. yeah...uh...i unplugged it and plugged it back in. whatever. piece of crap. but...it worked. i emailed this piece to someone who asked me to paint something for her. if she likes it, i'll list it in my shop and she can pick it up. if she doesnt like it, i'll list it in my shop and someone else can pick it up.

still going on caffeine, sugar and no sleep. i'm sort of tempted to see how long i can do it. seriously. how long can i go without proper nutrition or enough sleep. makes me laugh (in sort of a twisted...i think it's funny kind of way). but apparently i'm easily amused. maybe if i add copious amounts of alcohol into the mix i'll eventually fall asleep. it's definitely tempting. still listening to pandora every second i am awake. craving music that makes me feel something. and i'm lovin' it loud. my poor kids. ;) a lot of jack johnson, the wallflowers, chris isaak, throw in some spanish music....jesse cook (dance of spring), rodrigo y gabriela (juan loco) and of course, some gipsy kings. but really diggin' the jack johnson. and chris isaak. or did i mention that.

got my hair cut this morning (oh my effin hell it was too long). then spent the rest of the day working in the loft (on stuff i am slowly adding to my shop). house is a distaster and i don't care. we're actually out of food too. i have no clue what i'm feeding the boys tonight but i guess i'll figure it out soon enough.

uncensored. contains bad language (so don't read if that offends you).

since i don't have james to talk to about anything...and everything...i'm using my blog as a place to put the random things that run through my brain.

before i die i want to make love to these two chris isaak songs:

in the heat of the jungle

wicked game

i want to lose myself in an all-encompassing sort of way.

this last week i have felt self-destructive (just a little, please no one freak out). i want as much caffeine as i can consume. all i want is coffee (with caffeine), soda (with caffeine), candy (chocolate mostly) and to stay up all night listening to music. i feel like getting drunk (i haven't done it...but i'd like to). i don't want to sleep. i want to do things i should not do (like smoke, and i don't smoke). while these things aren't truly all that self-destructive, i have a 100% completely addictive personality and i can see myself fading away. it's hard to reconcile this part of me with the part that must not do these things...but instead must care for the boys. it's hard to self-destruct when you have to make three square meals a day, wash children, get homework done, be lovng...read story and tuck children in.

i am afraid i am losing more of myself if that's even possible...and everything is going to the boys. my life is all about caring for them, getting them through this terrible time in their lives....there is nothing for me. maybe this is just part of the grieving process, i have no clue. i've never done this before. but holy fuck i hope this part of it goes away....that i manage to hold on until i get through this. because i can see myself doing something i shouldn't.

the loneliness is almost unbearable. oh, friends can be there...call you up, spend 10 minutes on the phone. but late at night...every single night...when you are by yourself...no one to be close to, to share your intimate thoughts with....that is when it's almost more than i can take.

my mind is clearer now. i am going to move. don't know where to yet, but i can't stay here. i just can't. not because i am running. because i have been unhappy living here for too long. now there is no reason for me to stay. i will support E, help him adjust....get him through it. i have to go.

i felt semi-human during our roadtrip. it's when we got closer to 'home'...that i just started to be filled with....such a heaviness. it's like i get a glimmer of hope while driving, stopping whenever, wherever....just having some freedom. then when it's gone i am left with the horrible feelings. i may be trying to justify the move to myself, because i know it will be hard on the boys (especially E).....i don't know.

we are back.

loved the christmas message in the middle of all the greenery.

on the road. so many bridges. love that.

cape sebastian (a very beautiful beach).

part of the harbor in brookings.

me and alexander.

and of course me and E.

this trip was so many things for me.

it was hard to make myself go. i seem to feel paralyzed with fear. but i forced myself. packed up the car. and made myself go.

i was scared.

scared something would happen (flat tire...that we would get stranded).

i just wasn't sure i was ready.

i have a history of wander lust. i used to get in the car and go (all the time, long before i even met james). then after we met, the two of us used to do it together. then when we had kids...and after the virus attacked his heart...well...life sort of changed. and we didn't do that so much. oh how i have missed it. the freedom. just getting in the car and going. making no plans.

i didn't get us lost. i found places to stay. the boys had fun. they were fairly well behaved (we spent about 24 hours driving in the last four days). that was a lot for them.

for me it was extremely emotional. it felt good (once i got over my fear) to just be out on the road, driving. i love to think when i drive and to listen to music. so we would jam to music for an hour, then the boys could watch something. then we'd jam...then they could watch something again.

listening to music helps me feel....i know that may sound strange. but it's true. it helps me feel things....when normally i can't. not sure how to explain it. music touches me. it also carries me away. i can groove (while driving...dance in my seat)...think...feel....and not think. or think. it's a huge jumbled up combination....it just helps. i have been relying heavily on music lately. right now i have pandora up on the computer and i'm jammin'.

didn't have much time to just sit on the beach. we were too busy trying to get as far north and see what we could see before we had to turn around and head back)...after all....E does have school tomorrow. though i contemplated keeping him out a day and driving one more day. but in the end, i didn't want to over-do it with the boys. so we came home today.

it was sort of liberating. i'm a little bit proud of myself for doing it. not that it's a great big huge accomplishment....but if you had been feeling anything close to what i have for the last almost three months...you might think it's a big deal. i have never ever felt like this in my life before. so bad. just so so so so bad.

i wake up feeling full of dread. just so unhappy. and it never goes away. well...it sort of went away while we were on this trip...well, not really...but it was different. i was able to take a deep breath. i was able to think. it was just so good not to be here, in this house.

driving home today, the closer we got to 'home' the worse i began to feel. is it because the house is empty....because james isn't here? or is it because i really do hate living here? and i am ready to move? is it all of that? i don't know. am i just a psychotic mess and i really don't need to move....but i think i do??? i just don't know. but what i do know is that it felt good to be doing something. anything. i know that whatever i do, it won't be easy. and i may make a mistake. but i am beginning to think that would be better than doing nothing.

moving is complicated. i have no job, how do i buy another house? no bank is going to want to loan money to me. E is afraid. how will i feel once i leave this house? this house we shared with james. how will it feel to be totally and wholly alone (no friends where we move to). who will i call if i need help. can i handle the loneliness? will the loneliness be any worse wherever we go than it is here? i just don't know.

i decided i rely too heavily on jan and dan. so i have quit. i've made myself pull away. i'm just going to have to rely on myself 100% and that's it.

i could easily fall back into a pattern of emotionless days. of getting E to school, caring for alexander, feeling nothing. except for the complete and utter grief that washes over me frequently. violently. and without warning. i either feel nothing...or i feel so so so bad i don't think i can take it.

overall the trip was good. it was needed. it has left me emotionally exhausted. but at least i did something. i mean...seriously...the range of emotions i have been through in the last four days is astounding. well...to me it is, anyway.

next on my agenda? perhaps another little trip over E's spring break (in april). april is far away....but at least it's another small step. i just know i can't continue to live like this. something HAS to change.